Finally, finally, climbed outdoors. In ipoh, lost world of tambun to be exact. The land with abundance of limestone caverns and towering walls of solid sharp jagged rock.
Drove down early saturday before dawn as to maximise climbing time. The foursome. Me, brad, chikhan and jordan. Joined by noel, and the 2 austrians marianne and johannes. Them in their bangvan, we in suzy.
Proceeded to be slightly high on (suspectedly)magic mushrooms somewhere between slim river and kampar. Because chikhan apparently stuck his ass out of the rear window everytime he had the urge to fart. Attempted to fart outside with the travelling wind but instead the stench will somehow leech back into the car.
There's a place in ipoh called simee, which reminds me of the portugese football player simao.
Okay random. The dimsum there's pricey as well.
So then we had many pictures taken. Plenty of topless ones.
Testing the aerodynamics of jordan's new la sportiva katanas.
Educating marianne and johannes about siewmais, cheecheongfuns and hakaus.
Raring to climb.
The lost world of tambun. Magnificent landscape.*Ran out of captions*
The Climbing Foursome
Us in bouldering action.
Okay so i jammed the stupid picture loader. I seemed to have hit the picture-uploading brickwall again.
I'll have more pictures up when i feel like it.
After all the climbing, jordan, chikhan and i were to slide about the water park like bloody pre-adolescent kids while the rest retired back to their shabby, sleazy deluxe hotel room.
They proceeded to lead-climb the next day which left us battered hope of learning how to lead. The 3 of us set for home sweet home on the day we arrived instead and after chikhan managed to tear up his pants on the water slide. I think they both got their balls hard-boiled in the hot springs as well.
My last post failed to garner a constructive critism from that anonymous friend of mine. It was a reminder instead. A harsh one. To open my eyes and observe my own flaws and impurities before taking the further step.
Then again, there'll be some others who just love to hate. I dont know. I'm incapable of being the verdict as to whether the comment was more of a subtle personal attack or genuine word of advice. Choice of words can reflect many opinions.
But then again, I don't realise where i've gone wrong if nothing's being said.
Oh wells.
This is usually the part where i start pondering about the future, my future. How insecure and uncharted it seems. How i might be squandering chances into universities and having a hellish life at the end of the day. With a future next to none, i'd die depressed, delirious, possibly before i hit my mid-life crisis.
I'm slowly rectifying my problems, fixing myself and going back to organizing my own life, having things planned out for myself although i'm somewhat an illiterate in laying out plans. Not at my desired pace, and definately not at a pace to grant myself a peaceful, successful future. But i try, am trying.
Sometimes i'd like to think of myself as a late-bloomer.
Right now i'm stalled at my physics notes. Time to flick on the hazard lights and roam back on track. Only after i get my sleep.
"Baby, if you look like death, then i'm necrophilic."
(Only because its on the top of my head right now.)
Was feeling really gutted all the way in college today because some bloody things just stay in your ass. All the pent-up frustration. Had my fist clenched. And muscles tightening. That wanting feeling to punch someone random.
One of these days. When my stomach does cockscrews and mind unleashes an impulse of rapid anger movement. I will wreck destruction, and condemn myself to more intense pressure and hatred towards. But at least i think i'll get my satisfaction.
Coming home, i get online and see myself to more of those 'insignificant' feelings. The brainchild of my constant paranoia. But feeling what my mind and body tells me to feel, dispells the notion of being paranoid. Paranoia stems from assumption, but when everything's in real-time and happening, there's no need for assuming.
Some certain people loathe me for doing something they assume i did. Or that i'm not suffering in the same moat as they are. Something i'd accomplished from my own (whateversleft) courage and self-confidence to pick myself up from a ravine and campus my way up to the top again. I've done my part to patch and be normal. Bless you, but what is it about me that you're against again?
I'd go on. If not for to save readers from another barrage of self-explainatory ranting and assaults on you, you, and more you(s).
Made the attempt to escape and unwind after break today by skipping LAN and chemistry with baby to toy with the manuals of her peugeot. Zoomed down to batu caves, to the kl city center, to utama, to ampang, and kepong and along the federal highway and other speed-prone freeways around. And thankfully made it back on time for biology. Destressed with aimless driving and accelerated euphoria.
Okay, its lovely bones time.
And you know how i look forward to our fridays and weekends. Its about time i pit my skills against ikea furniture(if the ikea workguy doesn't beat me to it) and mass packing. I'm helping you, your mum, cass, ah girl, ah boy move houses and i dont care. Heh.
Yehaa. A climbing trip. One to climb topless and show off my newly reformed abs. Coming soon to you.
As for now, i feel like reading my lovely bones. Or fantasise on 'what if' our football team had beaten iran. Or complain to my mother how my ankle is in excruciating pain.
Oh fuck, i totally forgot about my ankle. How to climb trad rock?
Fuck la.
I cant join the adidas run or pj half marathon or subang jaya run.
Fuck la.
Back to where i was wondering what i feel like. I'd jump into my suzy, make my way to uncivilization, only to have you entirely in my hulking pumped-up arms.
Yes and no. My mind refuses to aknowledge the idea of my long lost dog possibly buried under mounds of human excretion somewhere in a rural dumpsite. But my intuition is convinced that he's dead. Or he could still be roaming the streets, sniffing feet for a meal, or living the life of luxury we could have never afforded for him. Its simple, if he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, i wish him well.
Nobody seems to give a rat's ass about his disappearance anymore. However my maid's still living in denial and occasionally pretends to herself that my dog's still prancing about at the porch.
For someone who bathes and feeds the dog all the time. She took his hiatus the hardest.
I'm gutted from ranting about my retarded dog.
My dad went on an electronic gadget spree recently. I have a videocam which i already conveniently took saucy clips with, and an 8.1 megapixel camera and i hardly even know how to take angled shots. I've always been an illiterate in bloody electronic gadgets. Not very dope for me.
But i got through a few nice(in my humble opinion) shots.
Had an impromptu crab dinner with bren and her family(including extended) yesterday.
Apparently i've never done that in my life. Milestone!
"One day, the sun fell into the sea and created a big tsunami. OMG the tsunami destroyed the make-up factory and OMG the world has never seen my 2 sisters without their cover up." -edited from a story typed by Cassie on her 2 sisters
"You'd get wrinkles if you smile so much; Baby, those who hardly smile dont live long enough to even see their own wrinkles."
I've heard optimists say that as long as you only immerse yourself with thoughts and visualizations of your wants in life and dont anticipate the outcome, your universe will find ways to mould to accomodate you. Or was it the law of metaphysics?
At times i cant help but knock myself and wonder. How'd you move along with the flak and scrutiny that you've most willingly recieved? Maybe its your tongue that's living the knive's edge, you're controlling as much as your conscience can tell, but how long more before you really pierce a heart, or break a spirit with words like your mother warned you?
You always seem to assume superiority upon your own image. Maybe ego-stricken and arrogant to some. Wary of what other's think about you and of your purpoted infidelity. Again to some, you're maybe potrayed as slightly materialistic, constantly flanked by the opposite sex, a womaniser. But deep down inside, you know better that when you've found that someone, its the only person you want.
Now that you've extinguished old embers to ignite a new flame, you're basking in a whirlwind of love. You hope this euphoria doesn't fizzle anytime soon, but your experience tells of otherwise. You know after these initial stages, commitment, something you've never been afraid of, overrides everything else. You want to give everything, but your battle scars are a vague reminder that your other half might not share the similiar prospects of your relationship. "Its never a bed of roses", but everyone can see so clear, you want it, and you're ready. For her.
You know better that optimism can only bring you thus far. You've been more of an opportunist in your lifetime. You've had your (pussy)suicide attempts, carressing your skin with surgical blades. A streak of great depression decorates your portfolio. Many a times you celebrate life and its splendours only to allow others to bring you down. People say you're somewhat melodramatic and can never see the sunny side up in things, which i personally think is too honest of others. Once or twice you still get bouts of 'below-neutral' sensations, but you're coping rather well now, so well you tend to laugh (some) of your worries away.
You can be proud of the fact that you're trying to be an impact in her life in everyway possible so you could support and mould her into a better person than she already is. With every good intention. I hope she's proud of you too. This is just about one thing about you that no one really knows of, you want to make an impression in the lives of others, because its probably the only thing you'll feel accomplished for.
That's why you know you love her.
Oh, and Jinn, let love and hate shower you. You need a good balance anyway.
I carefully stuck a post-it on my semester fee invoice reminding mum to issue a cheque only for her to ignore in the morning. She conveniently left it in the middle of the room for dad to walk into it. And i came back from college today to see my purple post-it replaced by a larger yellow one.
'Will review with you when we meet your college this Saturday for the results. The fees can be paid 14 days after 3 July. Hope you can appreciate the opportunity to have a good education.'
Daddy arrr. Taylors parent-teacher day cancelled. Form 6 registration closed already i think. TAR college intake passed long time. You highlighted 'WITHIN 14 DAYS FROM DUE DATE' on the invoice like i have 14 days to choose whether its abdul samad or taman sea for form 6. Fucking hai latt.
And then today i recieved another invoice for the external examination fees and it totalled up to about 1000+ ringgit which i'm not planning to reveal to my parents yet as long as my 2nd semester is not assured.
Mum was an annoyance early this morning. She contributed to the pre-college tulanness.
My family's away in s'pore for my sister's convocation and i could get out. I could gallavant without the need to spray WD40 on the main grills so they wont squeek. I could get out till 4 in the morning and my maid would still be asleep to report anything. I'm surprised, but i think it'll surprise everyone else in my family more if they'd knew i was home all night.
Mum or anyone hasn't called back to check. I wonder if they realise that i'm not actually with them.
My maid confessed to me today that she fancies malaysian rock to indon. Isabellaaa......
One of these days i'll strangle the neighbour's kids.
Baby, you're right. I shouldn't have been defiant and gone climbing today. My left foot swelled up so badly i can hardly squeeze into my shoes. And i think i really need to initiate the keyhole surgery on my left wrist. With my education fund.
I was supposed to sleep at 10 to douse the lonely feeling. I think i'll sleep now.
"Bloody hell, i fucking love it that you're mine." -Jinn
Oscar's so long gone, i feel like i only have a vague recollection of how he looks. The guessing box is open. Dead or alive, it could be either way. If someone's keeping him, i hope they'll love him for the slippers he ravages, the bloody retard he is, and the metal grills and gates his piss corrodes.
Two months and moon cycles on, you're my solace.
For the record, i win the corny warfare. Hands down. Even if you'd never voluntarily conceed.
No quotes because i've not mouthed anything smart or significant during the build up to this post.
Mid term results came in yesterday. Christened me with a 2 hour session of blatant mother to son lecture. Facing mum on some terribly uncomfortable coffee chair yesterday was the tightest slap i've got since i spat words back at her long before i reached puberty. And i dont know, maybe you're discreet and reading my blog without being over-obvious, but dad, i am hiding my results from you.
As much as i hate a talking to. Now my mother knows where the hell i go in the late hours and why. Accustomed herself to my tendency to make empty promises. And firmly lodged in my head is when to say no, and yes.
And then dad, something you shouldn't know is that i drove to port dickson. With 2 girls. We overnighted in a resort. So maybe if you're really reading this, you'd probably be furious. Its hard to relate to you sometimes, and i'm guessing its our family upbringing. Its not that you're not important, its just so fucking much easier to talk and express to mum. Its tough to peck you on the cheeks without feeling self-conscious, heck, its hard to even say good night to you, let alone an apology text message.
And now with oscar long gone. I dont know if we'll even see him again.
Nobody seems to really care.
Beach holiday was different. I now know my way in and out of port dickson like the back of my hand. I know where bayu beach resort is, where most of the haunted spots are, the most cursed road, new market, lighthouse, almost everything i should familiarise with and suddenly its not the size of camp 5 anymore.
Thanks to ah girl(shuyi) and ah boy(leroy) who met up with me, xr and chucs for dinner after our sunbathing attempt. They led us to seafood. Then the lighthouse. Was an accomplishment for chucs who'd claim its the most adventurous trip she's been in. Had an evening walk up a jungle road in pitch black conditions and i surprised myself for not feeling any fear whatsoever. The panting and sweat was worth it though, because just the mere thought of being alone so high up at the lighthouse coupled with the sea breeze can be euphoric. Sorta like a faraway, minus you. Took up a few cancer sticks due to daddy issues while listening to boy's emosong classics. Made the treacherous journey down through scary pitch black road to the car after almost 3 hours up and got back to the resort to sit by the beach. With kampais and arnotts in hand, gradually freaked ourselves out with scary stories. Briskwalked from beach to car to mamak for another round of stories, supposedly less-frightening with presence of light and people. Ended up sleeping with lights on.
Weouw. Its difficult to blog in the manner which i just did.
I'll do better with pictures.
From this trip, my car's finally got an identity, an anatomy, and chastity. I requested a name that'll invoke the feeling of abuse towards it. Something that'll make people just wanna dent and bruise. Suzy.
"Baby, I was about to ring up the malaysian navy to enquire if there was a plane from kl that didn't make it to koh samui." -Jinn
Okay so you're basking in the sun, chalking up old caucasian perverts and getting gay massages from thai gays. Not like they're much different from tranvestites. Working your fingers amongst electronic gadgets which you slowly and horribly are getting used to. You just blew 60 bucks from your purse making international calls so i could hear you and you could suscribe to my daily report. Poor baby. And oh, i miss you terribly(not like i've not made it a little too apparent).
So you've got your beach holiday in honeymooner's paradise, and i'll have mine in a place the size of mid valley tomorrow. An all-girl's (road)trip. Literally.
In the past week i was deflowered of my wheelchair-bound-virginity. I was someone so full of hope for the holidays, all plans laid out, brimming with anticipation for self-improvement attempts, amongst them to "tonify" my already flabby seeham tummy. And then i was climbing, bouldering as usual, when i fell from bloody 2 feet with my ankle in a fragile stance.
*CRACK*
The caps lock and bold was to signify that it was THAT fucking loud. Next thing i knew i was whimping in front of a dozen international school kids. The ice-packs only seemed to fuck things more and hopping on one leg from camp 5 to the clinic was worst than having my car ploughed into by a senile old man's car. Clinic conveniently braised my skin with the infra-red light during the heat-therapy and thank bloody god for the bloody wheelchairs.
Special treatments. Priorities on who gets to go in the lifts in front, habsyixixixixillion stares. The perks of being wheelchair-bound. The stares are most likely due to me and brad being convincing retards.
"Excuse, excuse, *waves arms* i'm a retard." -Jinn on wheelchair
Oscar, my narcoleptic dog is on the run again. For almost 2 days now. I wouldn't be brave enough to say i'll accept that he's probably road kill or beagle stew, but we just might have to deal with reality harsher and sooner than we thought. As far as i'm concerned, he could still be a virgin. Okay seriously, i need blog readers around my area to just be attentive to white and lemon-brown dogs roaming around. Ears long and flappy and probably black with dirt right now. If a kid or indonesian maid says its oscar, then its oscar because they know best.
Oh wait, i have a picture to simplify matters.
As much as i say i despise him, i do care for him. Please come back.
"Ah, i take 100 only, uncle ar, next time look at car then only turn. Sigh" -directly translated and edited from a jinn saying(jinn nailing a stupidity home-run)
Okay, this is me with panties up in a bunch. I'm a more controlled person now, i'm encouraging myself to give and take with people around, i'm slowly and finally starting to enjoy grandma's food instead of pretending anymore.
And god sends a senile, berserk old man behind a wheel to fucking ram my stupid car.
Not only that, i got a shelling from mom for only accepting 100 bucks from a possible 150 from that stupid old man. Only because he was frail and balding and the fucking terrified children in his car eyeballing me. And now i'm left with a crater of debts to my dad for dents and more dents, and summons aren't bloody paid yet.
So much for being kind and understanding. Fuck, me for being so stupid.
Then, the indian(contrary to popular belief, not all barbers are indian) barber today screwed my hair up for the 2nd time already. Parents are on a bitching run. And i just found out that the mid term results will be mailed by next week.
Beach holiday coming up and my bee's off for a week to koh samui in abit. Sigh.
Will take full advantage of 'us week' just yet. :)
Sighhhhhhhhh, stop whining over how whiny this is, what do you expect at 4 in the morning?
Remember i made a bold statement that i'll self-teach myself french. Dont rule it off like all the other stupid statements i've made in my entire stupid life. Its Francais time. Oui!
Okay, so the exams were fucked. And i'm waiting on death row for my time on the noose in the form of a result slip. Am chasing mum to go settle the 2nd semester fees so when my results do come, it'd be too late to pull me out. Hah.
Just came back from apple shisha and 80 kilometres of highway cruisin. With my new stereo's on 29 and windows down, yelled to songs on my player like fuck with a bunch of ho's ridin wit me. Okay i didn't just say that. The new sound system's a ho magnet. But i stick to one only(before i get circumsized).
So this holiday, i'm contemplating on a new blog layout, educate myself with at least 101 french lines to turn up the heat, cook up something magnifique and get started on the very overdue crash pads to add to the bradjinn production portfolio.
Oh la la! La catastrophe!
"Give me a love smile. Gay ha ha." -heavily edited from a jinn saying simply because i vaguely remember what i actually said.
"You'll never get anything done if you anticipate the mood to do it." -edited from a Jinn saying
Haisehhh. Deep.
Whewoo, 2 days and 3 papers just like that. Just like alot of head-scratching, wall-banging, i-dont-fucking-believe-it laughs. The sub-zero conditions in the multi-purpose hall is to equilibriate the hot-headed menopausal invigilators who are really slowly biting on my ass. I mean, just relax lah!
Contrary to the tight toilet-rules and freezing conditions. Already am accustomed to minimal of 3 minute pissings after each paper yesterday and today. Even standing over the bowl and aiming/peeing so long is testing my tolerance level.
Really really trying hard to understand the word "ductile" now. To no avail, i'll save physics for a fresher, flashier me tomorrow. Before i sleep tonight, i'm gonna need channel-surfing.
A plan i'm going to execute, NOW.
Hmm, my late grandma just strayed into my conscience. Damn I miss her.
"Baby, I got a new sound system, can ride around and pick up the ho's." -edited from another Jinn saying
"Love means giving something you don't have to someone who doesn't want it." -Jacques Lacan
Right now, i'm pissed. Partially devastated. Because someone in this household on this very day had the pleasure of disposing my soft flaccid tube of japanese mayonaise.
Damn you whoever it is. Seriously damn you la.
Brad should've bloody lost his tube so i wont get bukkaked so soon.
Sigh. Just did 5 odd hours of chemistry, on a food foraging break now, and i'm quite confident i've forgotten most of whatever i read. Mid terms starting tomorrow!
I dont want to be juxtapositional over physics and chemistry. But they're both piling up misery, misery, and very heavy eyelids.
It will be another devil's day of formulae and facts mass cramming before my anxiety and delirium slowly builds up and devours me on monday. Fuck it that they're mailing the mid term results over but thank god it'll only last 4 days.
Am still in the dark on so many things left to read up on. Which would only contribute to more frantic attempts to peek on other people's answers to save my ass. And not get busted. But in the multi-purpose hall? Sigh.
I'm not motivated by fear. I'm hardly motivated at all. I fear regret and the outcome of my lack of motivation. I work on encouragement, not prospects or promises. Which concludes that i'm really really fucked.
Urhh.
Last night was slightly fatigued and i almost swerved into the dividers at 120 at least a handful of times, but was almost the best of the other nights we've had. Albeit you dozing off, and me almost. Mosquitoes charging at the soles of my feet.
Hands in mine, under a visibly satisfying starry sky, paused in the dim glow of streetlamps, you whispered "I love you too".
And the pieces fit.
Okay! To the bathroom for a cold face splash and back to organic chemistry.
You know. Its the kind of situation where you read and the page blurs out.
I'm struggling so badly i'm flapping. No one's supposed to realise i'm living out my life in here with discontent. My ego wouldn't allow anyone to that tiny piece of information.
I think i'm so sucked and deep into the maelstrom that i'm already accustomed to naturally procrastinate. I forcefully try to blot myself from various distractions, but to no avail. Lest we forget that exam starts monday. Because the majority of exam period is spent in the multi-purpose hall, peeking and answer sharing is near-impossible. So i'll just ready myself to flunk out unless i kick into gear in time.
Which is, highly unlikely because my brain was never effectively trained nor manufactured to decipher urgency.
I feel darn cranky now.
Might drag on till tomorrow. Until you come to me at whatever time.
I think i'm capable of limping through the week till friday with substantial amount of motivation. Convincing myself that i am actually spending precious ticking moments with productivity.
That is. Until we retreat to our sanctuary again. Hopefully by the end of the(this) hectic week. Which would neutralise the tension and stress at the same time, while enjoy doing what we enjoy doing best.
Aha. So one more miserable week left, before something serious comes up. To make or break the rest of our season. Before mum and dad starts bombarding me with enquiries about my results so far and why my bloody summons aren't paid. And then they see a little envelope with a pretty Taylors University College emblem emblazoned on the front, and start making arrangements to send me back to fucking form 6 or TAR college of my choice. Sigh. How melodramatic.
I have one week to change all that. Or at least i think i do. Without the drive or certain motivation, i've got a feeling i'll just scrape through. Only just.
Typing is a bitch right now. I've got my old robocop wrist guard going on right now. Stupid TFC cartilege decided to menopause on me again after a bout of some sick ass overhanging climbing on wednesday. I just ripped a bloody zit off the side of my head, am in pain. And i had someone's trailing heel clipped the back of my head during futsal the other day, which gifted a nice slightly-proportional mound. That still hurts a little despite the bump being pecked and kissed a few times.
And after a habsyixixixixillion years. Was at subang parade today with bee, to get her friend J a fucking pony. Pinkbluewtv 'my little pony' aptly named morning star(?) with a ridiculous parrot tattoo on its ass. You can tie bloody pleats from the long strands of pubic hair of the pony in a spectrum of colours. Sigh, i'm beating the toy up so badly. Its really pretty though. The sort of object only the females will consider into collecting. Yea, then was clowning around toys r'us with mechanical claws and pink tutus. And the tickle-me-elmo advert was gradually pissing me off.
Got fascinated by the little keychain that bore your name lying somewhere definately not close to where it came from. While we were preoccupied admiring human anatomy toys. Seriously. Out of a gizillion names, and a gizillion shelves, and a gizillion other nooks and cranny(s), your name on a keychain, staring at me in the face. Hah.
Then to some grocery shopping and aimless gallavanting. Flashing our flower decorated rubber-uglies.
Its not an empty promise, but i'm really determined to self-teach myself french during the upcoming vacation. Also get myself signed up for some hospital attachment programme because apparently its quite interesting. Maybe go for a(or two?) beach holiday and if i have time, whip in a brownie/scone/devil's food baking session. For the sake of self/relationship-improvement.
A month since i last pinched the moon. In a faraway sanctuary probably only both of us can actually enjoy and feel home even with the endless hoardes of mosquitoes.
Between the urge of kicking my studying patterns into rhythm for chemistry test tomorrow or insisting to myself that i'll still eke out a little something from my barren and dry brainchambers.
Quite apparently the latter choice prevailed.
Okay, so the mid-terms are in about 2 weeks from this date. The urgency for an examination of this magnitude is due to a substantial amount of pride involved. And of course, the forecast. Something that isn't really stimulating the bloody endorphins in me just yet. Soon lah, soon.
Sister's got a new flashy car. Which reminds me that i already have a little plot to manipulate her for the car until the new-car smell fades off. Fuck, i know she's reading this.
Oh and Happy Birthday Xue Rou. The horrific wrapping of the lillies were bren's fault. So were the abundance of insignificant other flowers(and leaves). Her choice. But dont hold it against her for she spilled tomyum all over herself at steamboat already. Okay. Shut up me.
Back to chemistry. No i mean, back to contemplating on whether i'll forcefully start to study chemistry.
I'm being charged for I collapsed into my feelings. I moved and am moving on. Regardless of how insensitive i am and may be. Its my world for the taking.
This is fucking stupid. Why do i even bloody bother?
Okay. So roxx is slain and gone. There were a fair share of those megre and mean routes being set up. None failed to impreganate my already pregnant finger even more.
And now that roxx is slain and gone. There's no more better reasons for me to procrastinate on studies. Just almost a fortnight left before i push myself into overdrive with last-minute redemption. Sigh. Fucking mid terms.
Anywayyyyy.
Mid table finish. Hey, its about 2400 points from being in the top 5. Brad was having a day from hell. And i got my ass whooped my a 13 year old girl called kim by a mere 150 points. But i'm least bothered. I was only there to climb and have fun right(referring to a certain previous post)? Ish. Bloody kim.
Despite the effort. I managed home with a new white roxx t-shirt, a powerbar, a car sticker, a fucking red bull tissue box the size of my palm, and wowoweewow, a flashy blingy silver medal.
Then again, everyone has a medal. So yea.
I have a few good shots of myself in action. And i know brad's slightly pissed because marsh didn't snap anything about him. Except for one, which would compensate for all because it looks the best of the bunch.
Brad can take consolation for having the better looking ass.
Number 1 fan. Reminds me to tape up. Helps me tally the number of routes i've done. Drills motivational thoughts in my head but to no avail. Hah. Ahead and in front of the crowd when i'm on the bloody wall. And carries my chalkbag whenever i want it to be carried. Just like a caddy. :) Shit, my loss.
Ah. Nice pictures. Good marsh. :)
So, roxx whatever. I wet myself in college today. What a shame.
And now the face has a name. And a little outstretched hand.
You got me. Initially you never did. But now you do.
I see the both of them again. How'd he move on so fast? Where's that mental breakdown i expect he'll be suffering from? Infidel. Garnering feelings when everything was still in the boat. It must be. For he would not have stood up in gallantry so quickly, so shunned and oblivious of the not so distant past of his. Typified excuses just to carry on with his whims and fancies. He's a bastard who's losing touch of the world. The world around him as he's being twirled around the sinkhole of attraction. He's pushing luck, he's pulling out his tricks from his bag again. He tries to make her his, or somewhat so. But the question remains, is she his' now?
Third person views. How i love to interpret those disgusted wondering, rolling eyes.
That dispute. The conflict that's been bearing down on us and so many others is finally done and dusted. Thanks to a certain quick-action plan due to desperation. So many harsh words in so many unforgiving tones. I dont deny what i've been potrayed in that madness. It is only known that the real stuff only seeps out during times of turmoil.
Yes, i've been rough. I've been rude. And i've blatantly swiped at anyone and everyone who has had me ticked off. What patience i have. As much as i've pointed out other's mistakes, i was oblivious to my own. Mum was right at the start, after much tinkering with divine powers, she's been able to warn me about my year that lies ahead. Well 5 months into it now, and so far still so subtle. But i'm keeping myself open for possibilities that i (out of a moment of furious frenzy), could potentially hurt one or many people beyond limits. It is already apparent how sharp and penetrating my words can be.
One thing i've come to hate myself for, is the fact that i'm always allowing myself to remain mediocre. It may be a slice of humble pie too hard to swallow. Me complaining about being insignificant is probably the brainchild of this mediocrity shit. Maybe its my way of life, i sit back and watch others soar. Leaving no room and no chance for myself to excel. I always thought being humble and keeping low would get me something somewhere in the patient future. But truth be told, the humble ones are those who die first.
Well, seems like it though.
Recently, i've found my solace. Somehow, in the pandemonium of things, i found that little solace. After half a year so far of a waning and gone relationship, study worries piling up, friends more prone to hurting and being hurt by friends, its the teenage crisis. I'm still thankful to have found that faraway someone or something or someplace to help me drown it all. And for now, its probably the only thing that i'll wake up in the morning and pray i'll have later in the day. That is, until me and my tendency to fuck things up fucks it up.
And next week sunday, will be roxx. Climbing competition at the Summit. Where apparently the best climbers around play and win cash and prizes. Leaving people like me with battered hope and red faced. But thats just an assumption. I've no intention whatsoever to be closely contending for any glory. My conscience is programmed to something a little more simple, climb and enjoy. When you know you're not that good its all you can think of actually.
So be there if you can! Bouldering competition starts at 1.30. And after it all there'll be a DYNO competition. Oh you'll know when you see. Thats where the fun starts. Haha.
Oh, if you see a black toyota vios with registration number WKD 1616, its Joe Jer. :)
Okay. Enough. Even dumbfucks like me gotta stop writing somewhere.
Firstly, its kinda harsh dont you think? Considering i'm the one who's offering you my services, well as a humble little friend, and you take the liberty to demand on what you want to be done in your favour all the time, i reject, you ask again, i reject even more, well i cant give in all the time as per my own independence and personal choice(but to you it seems as though i've never given in to you). Its okay, most girls have the best reasons in the world to victimise another. You get pissed because i'm denying your wants with wants of my own, and you go on to set me on hellfire with irrelevant comments that i'm always "taking it out on you". My dear, you're being MOTHERFUCKING paranoid like you always are. :)
If you didn't catch my apology in the rift, well i'm reminding you that i (from the bottom of my fuckrotten heart) did apologise for my usage of language. While you were tearing and yelling and hyperventilating while i was well, having chicken.
And then when things couldn't stoop any lower, you go on to say you defended me when fuckholes around me were jutting knives into my sorry ass. You never doubted me. And make it sound like i'm forever indebted to you. Okay maybe i am. But hey, things now maybe rainbows and butterflies for you now, and you think back and ask yourself how many times have i done the same when you're in the shithole with vicious remarks aimed at you?
Heck, i even got stick from my ex-girlfriend because i *apparently* defend you all the time. From whatever remarks that'll stifle your image.
And you have the gusto to tell me "you always take it out on me"?
And yes, i'm an eyesore. Not only in your case. I see those around me, people who'd glare at me from the corners of their eyes, observing and scrutinising every twitch of my muscle. I'm also an eyesore to many. Some, most, beyond my control. I didn't bring myself up to be this way, but if others have a problem with almost whatever the fuck i do, how am i to oblige to their preferences? By quarantine?
See, the thin line seperating us now, is that you're refusing to accept that side of you which all of us(who dares to) can only warn and tell you about. I've never asked for an apology, neither have i asked for anything drastic from you. I just hoped and hope you'd come to terms about your flaws and maybe try to fix that small way of yours. It may reap all the benefits for you initially, but when you keep hounding and hounding on your wants towards others, there is only a certain amount we can take. Or in this case, I can take.
I see you hop in my car, playing pretend like i'm just another employed driver. Drivers where their only motive to you is to drive and shut up. Now dont talk about what you pay me, i'm not sending anyone to and fro for the money. I've never had that bubble of thought ever. You ask me, i'll see my capabilities, and i'll welcome you into my car with open arms. Just dont fucking associate yourself with me merely JUST for transport reasons.
And oh, i apologise again for my language usage. I'm a foulmouth and it isn't something i admire about myself. Besides, i'm pathetic and restless. Even more so.
And my dear friend, i'm not in this for the victory. There isn't a battle to be won just so you know.
And to the other one. To you. The fact that you're being someone who's doing the "dirty job" for others, is not because you dont have a choice, you're unwilling to make another.
I see you have changed around me these days. Like i'm the poison in your soup. You see me and you shun away. It could be because i've changed? Not to your liking, not to everyone's likings? You think i've traded your closeness with another? Well, sorry if i got it wrong, but seems like it.
Well, to clear pictures up, you and her are always there, will always still be there, other people, new people come in and go out of our lives, but who are we to stop one another's likes and dislikes? Someone said she doesnt like new faces incorporated into our group of 3, but really, is it any one of our rights to stamp the notion that we cant have anyone else but 3? What i'm trying to say is that i have my own choices in life, and not all may go yours or my way, but i could AT LEAST make do with a little support in the things i do? And vice versa. From you? And her?
Please?
Sigh.
For some reason, i pissed my maid off today. She came up to me and said i'm more or less an idiot. And stood depressed at the edge of the sink. I stood up, walked over to the cabinet, pulled out a kitchen knife. "Okay. Use this."
This is the part where i question why the fuck cant you or any others get off my back.
Let me live my life and do whatever i'm contented of doing. Leave me to my achievements and maybe dont challenge me on that. Go make your own.
Is it compulsory that i get scrutinised for whatever the fuck i do? You think you know me well, but you hardly understand me!
And you, dont fucking think for one moment that everything's okay. When one person says something, you have your basic rights to question, when 2 says the same thing about you, then you're dysfunctional somewhere inside.
Bold statement, but dont you feel that i'm just being nice after that fucking outburst of yours?
You take one pinch of fatal attraction. And you get a night to remember.
Okay, maybe i dont know the world about marvel comics and superheroes. But i know this much that i love venom. Crimson black, with that superwide razor grin. No tongue action in the movie though. Sigh.
Yay, the weekend's (almost) here.
And maybe, just maybe i'll get my yoga mat out, shrinkwrap any bare skin, get a hoodie on and lie on the grass again. Pinch the blimey moon with my stubby fingers, hear the occasional rumblings of a mixture of planes and thunder, with streetlamps as the only light source. I doubt there'll be moonrings this time around. Fuck it. :)
And maybe, just maybe, let the breeze blow us off again.
Busted my ass on mathematics throughout the weeks on math probation because i didnt score above a certain bloody grade. I've been tossing and turning over a new leaf ever since, and it still isn't kicking into my system much. The urgency. Maybe i lack motivation, maybe i lack the certain amount of love and compassion, well maybe. But one thing's for sure, i'm fucking deprived of discipline and internal support.
Okay, college is a drag. What a drag it is, this state i'm in. So days without having to attend lectures in sub-zero conditions, is doing the world to me. These days when i can take my creaky grey lotus for a spin, bring it to camp 5, bring it to shah alam for bouldering. Bring it to places where (literally) the sun dont shine. I need it, this freedom, this leash-less life. Do whatever the fuck i want whenever the fuck i want. Although i'm still subjected to some domestic violence back home if i happen to cross any unspoken rules.
Well this is what i need. I've gotten it, but i need it even more now. I need to be in that open field by the lake. I need to lie next to someone, and i need to pinch the moon with my stubby fingers again. Let the breeze play my hair around. Present the bloody mosquitoes to a feast before dining in hell. Have grass particles brush all over my bare skin and aggrevate another bout of senseless scratching. And the stars, oh the stars. The stars and alleged satellites, occasional rumbling of planes up in the sky. Flashes of lightning in the horizon. And moonrings. As i laid, feeling the heat of another someone, it was euphoria. I repeat, it was euphoria. Feels so bloody good.
I got back quite late/early last night. And now i'll probably have to write out a report of places i have been and people i was with to dad.
Yehaa, on a brighter, more painful note. Shah alam bouldering. Following that green hippy van of noel, the bangvan(as referred to by chi khan), travelled along the highways in search of climbing paradise. It wasn't really searching, we had in mind where we were to go, at least noel did. And then we ended up next to the football stadium, much to our amazement, we found paradise. Well until i tried topping over the bloody boulder, lost my balance and fell. Stupid boulder had to rake off bits and pieces of my shin. After that it was more of climbing then wiping blood off then climb again then wipe then fall again and again. The stupid handholds on the climbing walls were so loose they were spinning, so fell there again.
But i'll go back there someday. And probably when i go back, i'll find every excuse to climb topless because its cool. :)
Blessed with another summon today. Bloody scratched and dented this HUGE long scratch and dent on my car as i squeezed through a narrow passage with utmost confidence. I swear it wasn't me, it was my ego.
Okay, so apart from another trip to the mpsj building, the fitness first wall challenge finals is on this sunday at the curve. Hopefully i'll be knocking the fuck out of others who'd speed climb with me, including you brad. There, my ego's speaking again.
So i didn't fail my maths test, AND (here's the amazing part), i'm spending my time in the library after college. People never knew me for the study-er i am, people never aknowledged that. Maybe because i dont. I claim i do, although sometimes i deny spending time with productive learning, but unlike certain people, when i say i didn't study for that test, or fuck, i didn't study for spm, i really didn't do shit. Point is, i'm
Fuck there isn't a point. Ranted a whole load of bullshit.
I'm in a depressed interval of life again. How do you spill your mind out without making it obvious?
I wont lie and say i didn't miss college through the 2 weeks we've been doing nothing much productive. Well in my case, i thought i'll be able to finish my maths work before i actually get back to college only to find that i remember jackshit about what i've learned.
But we're back tomorrow. Pistons up and running again. My mechanism hasn't readied me for further education yet but i hardly have a choice do i?
Xr was complaining about 2 weeks not being enough. But you ponder, if we had one month, what difference would it make if we'll go about procrastinating? I wait until today to actually brush through my college files and notes after a fortnight, if we had a month, i'll also do the same probably on the day before we return. See the thing is not everyone's like me, which could only solidify the fact that i'm fucked. Like seriously.
Okay on a less fucked note, i finally came across pictures of me and us in college. That day we celebrated our lecturer's birthday and some of us licked cream of the cardboarded base of the cake.
The word is, insignificant. You dont know how fucking hard, how fucking much you wanna throw in the towel. I'm always not good enough. Never, good enough. To you, you and all of you. I'm always a step behind. Jack of all trades, master of none, it rings.
They're right.
You should've raised a baby girl, i COULD'VE been a better son.
Despite being strong enough to clamp my fingers on crimps and small handholds, I started jogging today. Again. Much to the dismay of my unlubricated throat. I managed to maintain composure and keep my lunch firmly at the bottom of my throat while i was gagging and gasping for breath.
I feel herculean.
Sometimes i get so upset about everything I contemplate to..Well basicly i have no balls for anything, there's still so much of life to live out, yet there are equally as much to die for. Literally.
I get so preoccupied with unnecessary thoughts. Stuff that i shouldn't give two fucks about. Yet, stuff that stresses the shit out of me. Why do i care about you?! And what you do. You'll do what you do, and you'll enjoy what you do, and why am i breaking myself because of what you fucking do? You like bohemian, so be it.
I feel myself rolling 3 years back. 3 long fucking years back into the depression.
Singing songs that make you slit your wrists, it isn't that much fun. And if your heart stops beating, i'll be here wondering, did you get what you deserved?
Testing the aerodynamics of jordan's new la sportiva katanas.
Educating marianne and johannes about siewmais, cheecheongfuns and hakaus.
*Ran out of captions*
The Climbing Foursome
Us in bouldering action.
Okay so i jammed the stupid picture loader. I seemed to have hit the picture-uploading brickwall again. 
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