I love how you have it all in me

Okay i'm back from hanoi. So this is when the short countdown begins.

Coming through 5 days in vietnam, i cant tell who's more of a fucking manwhore, a vietnamese taxi driver or a homegrown mat rempit? The resemblance is uncanny. But for once i've arrived back home thanking myself that i live here. I wish you could grow hydrophonic versions of those two in comparison so i can pluck them from their styrofoam bases and crush them into pulp.

Not that i have something BIG against any of them but a vietnamese cabbie once ripped me of 70 ringgit for a ride in less than a kilometre. Not very long ago. In fact, just yesterday. Although it would've been 90 or 20 american dollars without a quarrel. Thankfully, I'm NOT that gullible.

But hell, i'm back, and i can now climb and gym intensively for the next one week or so before judgement day. Which brings to my mind that christmas eve is in the next 15 minutes.

Exactly a year ago i'd have my biggest regret to date. I was at a barbeque, chucking fireworks into the night sky when my grandmother was gasping for breath, unknowing to us that it'll be her last. Maybe she wasn't gasping for air, she was peaceful as i was told, but point is i wasn't there. Everyone else was, but me. How ignorant of me to assume i'd have plenty more time to make up for my absence in her dying days.

And then the year has passed. As quickly as it cometh. Soon enough, we'll step across into another, leaving one more eventful year to rest. A year with loss and accomplishments, riddled with firsts and possibilities, and opportunities well taken, as well as abandoned.

But of course, loss is abundant. Perhaps, the most notables. Many relationships lost, as often as forged. Possesions come and go. But i'm contented that those in which i work for has stuck with me right up till this crossover.

Some things were shamelessly easy to let go. Actually most things, now that i've found myself more open to changes. I've had released many to lessen the burden, things that i've found of no benefit to my well-being, or to me at all. Things that i've felt that i'd be a slight bit happier if it weren't in my life. Sometimes, all you can do, is let go, leaving it all behind as we move one step ahead, taking it all in our strides. Learning from the past and applying it to the future, the oh-not-so-optimistic future.

I like how this year has treated me. Harsh, yes, but it doesn't mean i wasn't harsh either. But i've come to realise how fragile i can be, or everyone else in that matter. Or how headstrong and stubborn the human nature is. How the harshest things can be said but we take the hit to the chin as ignorance of another, the insecurities or the yet-to-develop-more mind. And we move along. In conjunction with the release of the all american rejects song, this year was practically all about moving along.

I've broken down, so many times. I've broken down in the right arms, i've broken down in the not-so-right arms. Machismo or buff or whatever floats your boat, i was broken, am still broken but have been glued in the right places. Sometimes the undefined actions of the people around you are the ones that plays with your mind most. The worse ones are those that seem obvious but are still undefined. But still, you move along, you try to fix it, but you move along.

As far as i'm concern, blame is not something that can be pushed about. And sometimes you find yourself taking more of the blame than you've done. People killing themselves for the pressure being put by a govermental education system. And the system cannot be changed although many know its flawed, because everyone follows the majority. Not everyone's an Akon. Not everyone can ask someone to "put the blame on me" or "i'll take that blame from you" without reasonable doubt.

Before this reverts into a melodramatic fit.

This is (about almost)what the year has brought me. Enlightenment in certain areas of my life. And there are those things or people that i'm more than happy to have as the year unfolds. My Lovely Bones as i would call it.

"A little hush please, the next episode is about to begin."

Jinny

Greetings from hanoi

The drivers here are quite high. They think they're in the land of 1000 virgins and can drive with their eyes closed. Its like they achieve multiple orgasms if they blare their horns. I'm serious.

And they NEVER drive according to lanes. One lane is NOT enough.

Dad loves this place, he has a natural affinity to a place like this considering he's working here from next year onwards. But I silently loathe everything here but halong bay.

Halong bay is the most beautiful place on earth.

Okay, enough for tonight. Oh, its one hour slower than the time back home here.

Damn i bloody miss you.

Jinny

The scope's in black and white now

"Cause I need you now."

This void, absence of you is like a crucification to my senses. My conscience. Staying home throughout the entire day today made me feel, and reluctantly embrace the vortex that you left behind. The time is playing games, i know. Its slowing more than usual, but like we've agreed, through tooth and nail, as much as i'm longing for your presence now, we'll get through this.

Like i promised time and time again, i'll be that person you'll only have to look for as you rush your way out of the gate.

We should be waltzing through hectic week ahead. You on a euro trip, and me to the communist vietnam. And by the time we're back on sunday, the short countdown commences.

Sounds awesomely good.

Nothing much to have a spitfire going about really. The week's filled with climbing, climbing, gym, and more climbing. Nuff said. However i must admit that my proportionally out-of-shape body is creeping towards a comeback trail. The skin's tightening and muscles inflamed, which could only be a positive indication.

Gaining the girlfriend's praises for a good week's workout.

As for the year's summary, i'll let other people speak for it. My own account in my words might ignite dying embers. Certainly enough (unnecessary)drama for an annual timespan. But next year isn't looking bleak at all. A few (overseas)holiday trips with thegirlfriend or herfamily included is already on the plans, we'll see how it goes about that.

Still struggling to get my brain in unison to write.

Jinny

Good tattoos ain't cheap, cheap tattoos ain't good

"And the hardest part of this, is leaving you."

I guess i'm doing fine. I cant really tell for sure but i think i'll be okay. Till you get home and into my already pumped-up arms.

Camp 5 and the gym are doing magical things to my body mass or some sort. The flabs are turning into abs i suppose, and my skin slowly feels too tight on me. Which could probably mean i'm on the right track to regaining the ultimate level of climbing and a magical figure.

Prior to this, i have successfully dispell the impression to others that i'm a growing glutton who does not potray visual evidence of getting heavy. Until now, when i lift my shirt above my abdomen, you'll see. Typing that just makes me feel like binge eating.

One thing i'm not on course to regaining is the spark to write. I feel bland and boring.

Haircut. I probably need a haircut.

The concert was wet. But awesome nonetheless. Gerard Way is one cheeky lad. Heh. Good concert with complimentary stiff neck and sore throat.

Gosh, i'm thinking so much. Not fun anymore now that i cant write.

Jinny

I'll be good, i promise

Fuck, it hurt.

Its an Ankh by the way.

Everything intensive starts today, that thegirlfriend is already on her way to abudhabi now and will probably be arriving arab land in the next hour or so. Very highly emotional moment for me.

26 days. I wish i didn't knew how to count.

I bloody fucking miss you already.

The birthday dinner. Steak hardly digestable, but jersey and everything else made up.

Christmas come early in Singapore.

Fuck, i love my new phone. ('s camera)

Like how i have fulfilled that notion, that i'll be there when MCR comes down. I got the cheapest seats though, free SEATing at a rock concert. Cut cost. Another gay-escapade with brad.

I wish i had high midi-chlorian counts now. Oh crap, i'm supposed to be sleeping.

Jinny

Dont trouble trouble till trouble troubles you

I swear one of you said you'd pay for a lok-lok truck to conveniently drop by at my place for my birthday.

Liars.

There's some reason why i've banned myself from making gratituous speechs and birthday posts online anymore. Because when you're happy with someone and nothing shitty crops up just yet, you say the nicest, most pleasant superlatives you can churn out about someone.

And when shit hits the fan, when you've had a fall out, when one of you starts being the bitch, you'll say its true that everything sweet said seems to have uncannily been banished from your conscience. Its like all the "thank you so much"s and "you've always been there for me"s have been relegated to a distant echo.

How superficial.

Dumb superficial me.

Please, dont take into account, all the nice things i say, i wont mean it once we're done and through. And thats the case now isn't it?

Sigh. We've always been thoroughly decieved through and through.

Catching up, dad's going to be an expatriot this february. But mum's too much of a workaholic to follow dad to the northern reaches of vietnam to become The Expatriot's Wife. And with dad going away, i will need an atm card on top of my supplementary card. Thank you.

Thegirlfriend's Expatriot Family is home for about the month, and i'm currently applying for "watch and learn" cooking sessions with the mum. As for thegirlfriend, who had her face incised(?) by a surgeon today, you look good with the uglybandage. Although i would've changed my views if i saw the pus actually oozing out. Heh. :p

Currently having a dilemma over which manchester united player's name to be ironed onto my jersey. Ronaldo's name would cost a nice 80 ringgit. Nani's more expensive because his player number has 2 digits. Ferdinand or Carrick, however, would render me penniless. Evra's cheap, but he's rubbish.

Good. Physics 2 in 2 days and i'm in an internal conflict.

Jinny

An icicle is the perfect murder weapon

I have deeply sinned by providing only two(this included), brief, miserable, and uninspiring updates in the whole month of october.

As compensation, i'll help announce to all couch potato rock fans who are too occupied to read the papers out there that my chemical romance is in concert here on the holy 9th of december.

And i like how my friends instantaneously co-relate me and the band.

For now, i will relieve you of my words because i am abso-fucking-lutely uninspired. On an unrelated note, an anti-swearing bet from thegirlfriend managed to last a harrowing 2 days.

Talk about being a foulmouth. I know, i surprise myself too sometimes.

Plus, i noticed how my abdomen looks like waterpark tubes stacked up when i'm sitting and leaning forward. I have come to accept my bodily transformations and i will admit that it looks more revolting than my burps and farts, although they're not in the same genre(?).

I see a non-existant diet dancing, taunting me like a mirage.

I'm hitting the gym and extensive climbing sessions when thegirlfriend goes off to abudhanbuibfsjk.

Okay, see you!

Jinny

We must all head down in the direction of our fear

Hi, its me again.

I have no particularly good reason to explain why i've not produced anything lately. Just like how Darren Hayes has disappeared from the face of the earth without prior notice.

The build-up to yesterday's blast-off was probably just unnecessary hype. But to see a Malaysian-made hand trying to reel a floating pen back into his grasp at the bottom of the television screen, has convincingly warmed me with proudness and awe.

I want to float off into the vast echelons of space if i could. Like how all(most) Malaysians feel now.

Outer space can wait. The A-levels finals is one more biting at my ass. Am resorting to being a study junkie, but not producing desirable work rate. When shit hits the fan, so will I.

Jinny

You've brought me square propellers

The previous post has been expunged by request.

Many things, nasty or nice has been blabbered over the last couple of days. Mainly due to the fog of ignorance. Leading to many assumptions being made.

I have, made a couple of lousy remarks indirectly to alot of people courtesy of my posts. However, it would be a little too 'covenient' to retract what's been said. But now that the air's been more or less cleared, i'm undoubtly contented by the clear picture everyone else has painted.

I now know i'm not of your liking. I respect that, and I dont hold anything against you for that. I can at least take credit for the fact that i made you laugh.

And for some who've made hurtful false statements/personal attacks. Its best you stick to your side of the bed now.

Because words, harsh words, seep into the bones.

Jinny

Sleep well, i'm not dead

This could be considered as a blogging comeback at the most miniscule level. I guess its about time when my conscience jabs me in the ass to provide an update for my already diminishing number of readers.

So during the hiatus. The trials have come and go. What was sown has yet to be reaped, the prospects of it isn't exactly bleak, but certainly hardly aglimmer. If such a word has ever been established.

I choose not to be in despair over what's coming. But apparently my lack of self-confidence and drive isn't hitting the right notes with thegirlfriend. Claims it as my worst intolerable habit to date. Wonderfully surpassing my knack to belch and fart.

I'm on a two week study break now. But the study in this break so far seems very non-apparent. In conjuction with visit "shithole of a place on earth"malaysia 2007, i've been spending time in the national science center playing mindball and crooning over the size of garoupas in aquaria klcc in the past week(or month) that i was supposedly MIA.

One of the more satisfying maraudings was the trip to the hometown of m'cca with thegirlfriend. I like m'cca. Its not just because i grew up playing power rangers or conveniently had most of my bodily scars printed on me there. I like it because i can eat my seehams at an affordable 50 cents a stick as per compared to 80-100 cents here. I like it that my first cousin is an ahlong who has 3 wives and WAS on the run, and i could laugh and joke about him because he doesn't understand english. Where else could be politically correct for someone like him to reside other than in glorious hometown of mine.

And i particularly love my aunty's antique shop near stadhuys. Because its a corner lot, near the bridge, and i know i'll get freebies everytime i'm there. Just ask thegirlfriend.

And i shall abruptly stop writing here. Because i ran out of things.

Thank god i still have brad as my only indicator that i'm still alive at least to someone out in the wilderness.

Jinny

My heart's only big enough for two of us

Many times I've always thought of myself to be a rather strong one. Tough cookie with a hollow center. Capable and competent to withstand and contain pressure like a cooker. Able to dust aside the world, the harsh, harsh world. To fall into damnation time and time again and to stand up and to sweep the dirt off my shoulders. Feeble, but otherwise optimistic, charismatic still.

All until i found myself broken down, shut out from any personal consciousness, just lay my head there, on your shoulders, flooding my jumper you were donning, with the tears forced out by overwhelming pressure and emotion. My ego was non-existant, my hands were numb.

"I'm here, baby, it's going to be okay, I promise."

And i found myself sobbing, almost bawling. Eyes swollen from the sudden threshold, nose runny and watering. I was something you'd call a dried prune.

"It's really not that bad."

Which aptly assures me that i will not be disowned soon.

Still, the sub-reasons for breakdown still poses questions in my head. It was more of a thousand different fucked-ups mashed up in a jumble of panties. Leaving me dazed, ostracized intially.

I dont understand why some of us would never be happy for someone else's newfound glory, our own friend's. Its somewhat incomprehensible. And by feeling happy, it does not mean to leave and let be. I've not been connected much with the world that once revolved around me, i admit to that. But i have never felt the same comfort and significance previously as i do now, with my life, to begin with.

Which explains to why i'm slowly disassociating. I'm just another grain of sand to many of you, and you give me ultimate pleasure to clarify that on my own realisation. I dont ultimately believe in the friend crap, i believe in companions. People who are ready(or rather willing) to accept your drastic changes, and still be there to support your ass one way or another.

So i hear bullshit about some not taking any changes positively, or defaming one another just because someone's not subjected anymore to his/her stereotypical self. This sort of behavious is absolute immature and incompetently foolish. Just because you're eternally condemned to being depressed and pissed, and lived out your adolescent days that way does not mean everyone around you(or was around you) is subjected to being in equilibrium to whatever you're feeling. Some people change for the benefit of a healthier lifestyle and much personal satisaction, rather than popping pills and playing the old suicide games anymore. So why cant you be a tad bit more contented for your (supposed) friend? I may be merely just saying my mind without knowing you well at all, but judging from what i see from you, its utter nonsense.

Correct me if i may have just assumed how you are to be.

Many a times now i feel left out, even if dont make the attendance for an event, it never fails to feel heart-warming upon recieving an invitation or to be let in to stuff. But i'm not complaining, i'm just saying. Its a petty price to pay for veering away from the usual group.

So put the blame/scrutiny on me only because i have a someone.

I dont know what inspired me to say what i just did. Must be the frustration.

Its late, go to sleep. Fucksss.

Jinny

Cause wherever you go, well thats where i'll go

I'll make it a point to follow dad to the himalayas in india for pilgrimage when given the opportunity to.

This is me, attempting to be a little more spiritual.

And maybe to be contented with my material possesions by throwing myself into nether regions where televisions are a novelty.

I've got study plans almost everyday now, because late august brings about the AS trials examinations. I'm trying my level best to not subject myself to another bout of last-minute scavenging through notes because it never really materialises.

But i hate studying. I hate doing extra revision. I do it for the sake of shielding myself from public embarressment during the latter years. Its always worth doing more when you like it. Apart from the days i'm motivated(hardly) and feeling all comfy and woozy to work on some knowledge-enrichment attempts, studying makes me delirious, and narcoleptic.

But i have the quantum stone blazing around my neck now. It (supposedly) makes me tad bit more enegetic. Its supposed to keep me sturdy when standing on one leg in some yoga pose, and not topple over when i'm being rammed or headbutted. Baby calls it the 400 dollar dogtag. I call it a "400 dollars that should've gone to my shoes/slippers/jeans/abudhabitripfund". The stupid stone only brought bout after bout of ultimate stomach discomfort and plenty of expelled wind. Not very glamorous.

Apparently you can place it under a water bottle and "charge" the water to have the same effect to the drinker as it is to the "bearer of the stone". For now i'll continue dangling it from my neck and still be waiting for the herculean effect this stone brings.

Even more desperately now when i feel like a bottle of japanese mayo when it comes to studying.

And due to the successful debut outing of Bradjinn in the Taylors University College Tiring Run Around KL And Have To Bloody Restart When We're In The Lead Because The Organizers Screwed Up And Its So Unfair Merdeka Amazing Hunt, we're gonna feature in another treasure hunt this coming sunday at gasing hill organized by our most favourite shop in ss2 with one of the most wonderful staff(CJ) ever in the working world, Corezone. Which would make us Corefriends to the shop. And hopefully garner a little more than 30 ringgit that was won in the Taylors University College......... Hunt(which i'm still yet to recieve), so i can gleefully contribute into my Abu Dhabi Holiday Trip Fund. And pay brad what i owe him for bloody rope.

I may not know what's the hour at your place, but its 1.36am here in ss2. And it means its awfully late for someone as sleep-deprived as me to be blogging and listening to 30 seconds to mars at the same time. The only reason i'm staying up is because i'm still deciding on whether to do substantial amount of work although the answer's pretty fucking obvious. And England versus Germany in about an hour. Its been a century since i've managed to stay up for a football match.

Now before i doze off on my laptop and fry my sperms, and have baby accuse me of sleeping on her again, i'm going to abuse my microwave once more and make myself a shrimp sandwich. And get the ball rolling.

Probably update in several decades considering i'm very busy contemplating on whether to study nowadays.

:)

Jinny

You sound better when you shut up

I have no idea about your take on consideration. But it has subsequently brought me to a boil. While you're snuggling comfortably into your comforters and indulging away in bed linen while in united embrace with your pillows, and i'm here, right where i am, running to and fro just to get a clip from a thousand others moving and working. Shunning away my screaming, heavy and awfully tired eyelids right up till where your alarm clock starts preparing itself for your stubby fingers to jam away at the snooze button. For what?

To save your motherfucking asses. From possible embarressment i would dare say. While you and your soddy bunch gallantly tread and work your way through the crawlspace under tables. Oblivious to everything else.

I think to the very least. A meagre unsincere thank you to the both of us would've been more than could be asked for.

But knowing you and the rest. Enough is said.

Jinny

You, me, and my medication, our love is like a chemical reaction

"Baby, excuse me while i melt."

It could be the definite amounts of radiation of the electronics i'm revolving myself around. But this excruciating pain that's seemingly poking into my eyeballs will eventually disperse. So i hope.

The college days dont seem to match up to the weekends now. Its about a habit to immerse myself in one particular plan for the weekend and make it an appointment to most look forward to. To most anticipate. I wake up on the only side of my bed to a day closer to whatever's been laid out on the planning board.
And thats how time ceases monotonously throughout the week. Longing for the weekend with its mast seemingly rising in sight simultaneously as i scrape through a taylors day after another.

I honestly have yet to let the handbrake down fully on my studies. Still, prospectively, yet to take flight. The consistent rhythm.

The final rant would be on the quantum-science purified water that's condemning me into some stomach-clutching frenzy. Bloody energized water supposedly to remove toxins/negative chi and conveniently christen its drinker to eternal stomach discomfort. And when you're busy shoving pillows into your own abdomen, you are required to drink some more to "get used to it". And then your kidney generates heat and your bladder pops like a sweet golden popcorn.

Its a more subtle way to have the impression you're drinking from the klang river.

Everything here feels so metaphorical today.

And now my stomach's working up a storm again. Fuck.

Jinny

Choice is always with us

Apparently, brad has a clearer description and documentation of the climbing trip with top notch video editings.

Click brad's link on my links list please.

Jinny

Baby, those crushing forearms are all yours

"Here we are, this is bouldering haven."

Finally, finally, climbed outdoors. In ipoh, lost world of tambun to be exact. The land with abundance of limestone caverns and towering walls of solid sharp jagged rock.

Drove down early saturday before dawn as to maximise climbing time. The foursome. Me, brad, chikhan and jordan. Joined by noel, and the 2 austrians marianne and johannes. Them in their bangvan, we in suzy.

Proceeded to be slightly high on (suspectedly)magic mushrooms somewhere between slim river and kampar. Because chikhan apparently stuck his ass out of the rear window everytime he had the urge to fart. Attempted to fart outside with the travelling wind but instead the stench will somehow leech back into the car.

There's a place in ipoh called simee, which reminds me of the portugese football player simao.

Okay random. The dimsum there's pricey as well.

So then we had many pictures taken. Plenty of topless ones.

Testing the aerodynamics of jordan's new la sportiva katanas.

Educating marianne and johannes about siewmais, cheecheongfuns and hakaus.


Raring to climb.

The lost world of tambun. Magnificent landscape.*Ran out of captions*

The Climbing Foursome

Us in bouldering action.

Okay so i jammed the stupid picture loader. I seemed to have hit the picture-uploading brickwall again.

I'll have more pictures up when i feel like it.

After all the climbing, jordan, chikhan and i were to slide about the water park like bloody pre-adolescent kids while the rest retired back to their shabby, sleazy deluxe hotel room.

They proceeded to lead-climb the next day which left us battered hope of learning how to lead. The 3 of us set for home sweet home on the day we arrived instead and after chikhan managed to tear up his pants on the water slide. I think they both got their balls hard-boiled in the hot springs as well.

So much for another climbing post.

Jinny

Baby, you like random and i'm good at random

"I feel like i'll pop someone in the head."

My last post failed to garner a constructive critism from that anonymous friend of mine. It was a reminder instead. A harsh one. To open my eyes and observe my own flaws and impurities before taking the further step.

Then again, there'll be some others who just love to hate. I dont know. I'm incapable of being the verdict as to whether the comment was more of a subtle personal attack or genuine word of advice. Choice of words can reflect many opinions.

But then again, I don't realise where i've gone wrong if nothing's being said.

Oh wells.

This is usually the part where i start pondering about the future, my future. How insecure and uncharted it seems. How i might be squandering chances into universities and having a hellish life at the end of the day. With a future next to none, i'd die depressed, delirious, possibly before i hit my mid-life crisis.

I'm slowly rectifying my problems, fixing myself and going back to organizing my own life, having things planned out for myself although i'm somewhat an illiterate in laying out plans. Not at my desired pace, and definately not at a pace to grant myself a peaceful, successful future. But i try, am trying.

Sometimes i'd like to think of myself as a late-bloomer.

Right now i'm stalled at my physics notes. Time to flick on the hazard lights and roam back on track. Only after i get my sleep.

Gosh, I hate myself for procrastinating.

Jinny

Hold on tightly, let go lightly

"Baby, if you look like death, then i'm necrophilic."

(Only because its on the top of my head right now.)

Was feeling really gutted all the way in college today because some bloody things just stay in your ass. All the pent-up frustration. Had my fist clenched. And muscles tightening. That wanting feeling to punch someone random.

One of these days. When my stomach does cockscrews and mind unleashes an impulse of rapid anger movement. I will wreck destruction, and condemn myself to more intense pressure and hatred towards. But at least i think i'll get my satisfaction.

Coming home, i get online and see myself to more of those 'insignificant' feelings. The brainchild of my constant paranoia. But feeling what my mind and body tells me to feel, dispells the notion of being paranoid. Paranoia stems from assumption, but when everything's in real-time and happening, there's no need for assuming.

Some certain people loathe me for doing something they assume i did. Or that i'm not suffering in the same moat as they are. Something i'd accomplished from my own (whateversleft) courage and self-confidence to pick myself up from a ravine and campus my way up to the top again. I've done my part to patch and be normal. Bless you, but what is it about me that you're against again?

I'd go on. If not for to save readers from another barrage of self-explainatory ranting and assaults on you, you, and more you(s).

Made the attempt to escape and unwind after break today by skipping LAN and chemistry with baby to toy with the manuals of her peugeot. Zoomed down to batu caves, to the kl city center, to utama, to ampang, and kepong and along the federal highway and other speed-prone freeways around. And thankfully made it back on time for biology. Destressed with aimless driving and accelerated euphoria.

Okay, its lovely bones time.

And you know how i look forward to our fridays and weekends. Its about time i pit my skills against ikea furniture(if the ikea workguy doesn't beat me to it) and mass packing. I'm helping you, your mum, cass, ah girl, ah boy move houses and i dont care. Heh.

Jinny

Speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces

Yehaa. A climbing trip. One to climb topless and show off my newly reformed abs. Coming soon to you.

As for now, i feel like reading my lovely bones. Or fantasise on 'what if' our football team had beaten iran. Or complain to my mother how my ankle is in excruciating pain.

Oh fuck, i totally forgot about my ankle. How to climb trad rock?

Fuck la.

I cant join the adidas run or pj half marathon or subang jaya run.

Fuck la.

Back to where i was wondering what i feel like. I'd jump into my suzy, make my way to uncivilization, only to have you entirely in my hulking pumped-up arms.

:)

Jinny

They gave us 2 shots to the back of the head, and we're all dead now

Yes and no. My mind refuses to aknowledge the idea of my long lost dog possibly buried under mounds of human excretion somewhere in a rural dumpsite. But my intuition is convinced that he's dead. Or he could still be roaming the streets, sniffing feet for a meal, or living the life of luxury we could have never afforded for him. Its simple, if he comes back, he comes back. If he doesn't, i wish him well.

Nobody seems to give a rat's ass about his disappearance anymore. However my maid's still living in denial and occasionally pretends to herself that my dog's still prancing about at the porch.

For someone who bathes and feeds the dog all the time. She took his hiatus the hardest.

I'm gutted from ranting about my retarded dog.

My dad went on an electronic gadget spree recently. I have a videocam which i already conveniently took saucy clips with, and an 8.1 megapixel camera and i hardly even know how to take angled shots. I've always been an illiterate in bloody electronic gadgets. Not very dope for me.

But i got through a few nice(in my humble opinion) shots.

Had an impromptu crab dinner with bren and her family(including extended) yesterday.

Apparently i've never done that in my life. Milestone!

"One day, the sun fell into the sea and created a big tsunami. OMG the tsunami destroyed the make-up factory and OMG the world has never seen my 2 sisters without their cover up." -edited from a story typed by Cassie on her 2 sisters

Jinny

Go chase yourself

She's so high. High above me. She's so lovely.

Jinny

Dont forget to breathe tonight

"You'd get wrinkles if you smile so much; Baby, those who hardly smile dont live long enough to even see their own wrinkles."

I've heard optimists say that as long as you only immerse yourself with thoughts and visualizations of your wants in life and dont anticipate the outcome, your universe will find ways to mould to accomodate you. Or was it the law of metaphysics?

At times i cant help but knock myself and wonder. How'd you move along with the flak and scrutiny that you've most willingly recieved? Maybe its your tongue that's living the knive's edge, you're controlling as much as your conscience can tell, but how long more before you really pierce a heart, or break a spirit with words like your mother warned you?

You always seem to assume superiority upon your own image. Maybe ego-stricken and arrogant to some. Wary of what other's think about you and of your purpoted infidelity. Again to some, you're maybe potrayed as slightly materialistic, constantly flanked by the opposite sex, a womaniser. But deep down inside, you know better that when you've found that someone, its the only person you want.

Now that you've extinguished old embers to ignite a new flame, you're basking in a whirlwind of love. You hope this euphoria doesn't fizzle anytime soon, but your experience tells of otherwise. You know after these initial stages, commitment, something you've never been afraid of, overrides everything else. You want to give everything, but your battle scars are a vague reminder that your other half might not share the similiar prospects of your relationship. "Its never a bed of roses", but everyone can see so clear, you want it, and you're ready. For her.

You know better that optimism can only bring you thus far. You've been more of an opportunist in your lifetime. You've had your (pussy)suicide attempts, carressing your skin with surgical blades. A streak of great depression decorates your portfolio. Many a times you celebrate life and its splendours only to allow others to bring you down. People say you're somewhat melodramatic and can never see the sunny side up in things, which i personally think is too honest of others. Once or twice you still get bouts of 'below-neutral' sensations, but you're coping rather well now, so well you tend to laugh (some) of your worries away.

You can be proud of the fact that you're trying to be an impact in her life in everyway possible so you could support and mould her into a better person than she already is. With every good intention. I hope she's proud of you too. This is just about one thing about you that no one really knows of, you want to make an impression in the lives of others, because its probably the only thing you'll feel accomplished for.

That's why you know you love her.

Oh, and Jinn, let love and hate shower you. You need a good balance anyway.

Jinny

Bury me in all my favourite colours

I carefully stuck a post-it on my semester fee invoice reminding mum to issue a cheque only for her to ignore in the morning. She conveniently left it in the middle of the room for dad to walk into it. And i came back from college today to see my purple post-it replaced by a larger yellow one.

'Will review with you when we meet your college this Saturday for the results. The fees can be paid 14 days after 3 July. Hope you can appreciate the opportunity to have a good education.'

Daddy arrr. Taylors parent-teacher day cancelled. Form 6 registration closed already i think. TAR college intake passed long time. You highlighted 'WITHIN 14 DAYS FROM DUE DATE' on the invoice like i have 14 days to choose whether its abdul samad or taman sea for form 6. Fucking hai latt.

And then today i recieved another invoice for the external examination fees and it totalled up to about 1000+ ringgit which i'm not planning to reveal to my parents yet as long as my 2nd semester is not assured.

Mum was an annoyance early this morning. She contributed to the pre-college tulanness.

My family's away in s'pore for my sister's convocation and i could get out. I could gallavant without the need to spray WD40 on the main grills so they wont squeek. I could get out till 4 in the morning and my maid would still be asleep to report anything. I'm surprised, but i think it'll surprise everyone else in my family more if they'd knew i was home all night.

Mum or anyone hasn't called back to check. I wonder if they realise that i'm not actually with them.

My maid confessed to me today that she fancies malaysian rock to indon. Isabellaaa......

One of these days i'll strangle the neighbour's kids.

Baby, you're right. I shouldn't have been defiant and gone climbing today. My left foot swelled up so badly i can hardly squeeze into my shoes. And i think i really need to initiate the keyhole surgery on my left wrist. With my education fund.

I was supposed to sleep at 10 to douse the lonely feeling. I think i'll sleep now.

Good night.

Oh yehaa. Dad just called to check.

Jinny

Baby i'm just soggy from the chemo, i'm counting down the days to go

"Bloody hell, i fucking love it that you're mine." -Jinn

Oscar's so long gone, i feel like i only have a vague recollection of how he looks. The guessing box is open. Dead or alive, it could be either way. If someone's keeping him, i hope they'll love him for the slippers he ravages, the bloody retard he is, and the metal grills and gates his piss corrodes.

Two months and moon cycles on, you're my solace.

For the record, i win the corny warfare. Hands down. Even if you'd never voluntarily conceed.

Whoosah.

Jinny

What if i wanted to break? Laugh it all off in your face

No quotes because i've not mouthed anything smart or significant during the build up to this post.

Mid term results came in yesterday. Christened me with a 2 hour session of blatant mother to son lecture. Facing mum on some terribly uncomfortable coffee chair yesterday was the tightest slap i've got since i spat words back at her long before i reached puberty. And i dont know, maybe you're discreet and reading my blog without being over-obvious, but dad, i am hiding my results from you.

As much as i hate a talking to. Now my mother knows where the hell i go in the late hours and why. Accustomed herself to my tendency to make empty promises. And firmly lodged in my head is when to say no, and yes.

And then dad, something you shouldn't know is that i drove to port dickson. With 2 girls. We overnighted in a resort. So maybe if you're really reading this, you'd probably be furious. Its hard to relate to you sometimes, and i'm guessing its our family upbringing. Its not that you're not important, its just so fucking much easier to talk and express to mum. Its tough to peck you on the cheeks without feeling self-conscious, heck, its hard to even say good night to you, let alone an apology text message.

And now with oscar long gone. I dont know if we'll even see him again.

Nobody seems to really care.

Beach holiday was different. I now know my way in and out of port dickson like the back of my hand. I know where bayu beach resort is, where most of the haunted spots are, the most cursed road, new market, lighthouse, almost everything i should familiarise with and suddenly its not the size of camp 5 anymore.

Thanks to ah girl(shuyi) and ah boy(leroy) who met up with me, xr and chucs for dinner after our sunbathing attempt. They led us to seafood. Then the lighthouse. Was an accomplishment for chucs who'd claim its the most adventurous trip she's been in. Had an evening walk up a jungle road in pitch black conditions and i surprised myself for not feeling any fear whatsoever. The panting and sweat was worth it though, because just the mere thought of being alone so high up at the lighthouse coupled with the sea breeze can be euphoric. Sorta like a faraway, minus you. Took up a few cancer sticks due to daddy issues while listening to boy's emosong classics. Made the treacherous journey down through scary pitch black road to the car after almost 3 hours up and got back to the resort to sit by the beach. With kampais and arnotts in hand, gradually freaked ourselves out with scary stories. Briskwalked from beach to car to mamak for another round of stories, supposedly less-frightening with presence of light and people. Ended up sleeping with lights on.

Weouw. Its difficult to blog in the manner which i just did.

I'll do better with pictures.

From this trip, my car's finally got an identity, an anatomy, and chastity. I requested a name that'll invoke the feeling of abuse towards it. Something that'll make people just wanna dent and bruise. Suzy.

And oh baby. You're back. :)

Jinny

If looks could kill, you'd be a murderer. Maybe just a whore

"Baby, I was about to ring up the malaysian navy to enquire if there was a plane from kl that didn't make it to koh samui." -Jinn

Okay so you're basking in the sun, chalking up old caucasian perverts and getting gay massages from thai gays. Not like they're much different from tranvestites. Working your fingers amongst electronic gadgets which you slowly and horribly are getting used to. You just blew 60 bucks from your purse making international calls so i could hear you and you could suscribe to my daily report. Poor baby. And oh, i miss you terribly(not like i've not made it a little too apparent).

So you've got your beach holiday in honeymooner's paradise, and i'll have mine in a place the size of mid valley tomorrow. An all-girl's (road)trip. Literally.

In the past week i was deflowered of my wheelchair-bound-virginity. I was someone so full of hope for the holidays, all plans laid out, brimming with anticipation for self-improvement attempts, amongst them to "tonify" my already flabby seeham tummy. And then i was climbing, bouldering as usual, when i fell from bloody 2 feet with my ankle in a fragile stance.

*CRACK*

The caps lock and bold was to signify that it was THAT fucking loud. Next thing i knew i was whimping in front of a dozen international school kids. The ice-packs only seemed to fuck things more and hopping on one leg from camp 5 to the clinic was worst than having my car ploughed into by a senile old man's car. Clinic conveniently braised my skin with the infra-red light during the heat-therapy and thank bloody god for the bloody wheelchairs.

Special treatments. Priorities on who gets to go in the lifts in front, habsyixixixixillion stares. The perks of being wheelchair-bound. The stares are most likely due to me and brad being convincing retards.

"Excuse, excuse, *waves arms* i'm a retard." -Jinn on wheelchair

Oscar, my narcoleptic dog is on the run again. For almost 2 days now. I wouldn't be brave enough to say i'll accept that he's probably road kill or beagle stew, but we just might have to deal with reality harsher and sooner than we thought. As far as i'm concerned, he could still be a virgin. Okay seriously, i need blog readers around my area to just be attentive to white and lemon-brown dogs roaming around. Ears long and flappy and probably black with dirt right now. If a kid or indonesian maid says its oscar, then its oscar because they know best.

Oh wait, i have a picture to simplify matters.

As much as i say i despise him, i do care for him. Please come back.

Jinny

In a field outside of town, we could always be alone

Baby you hardly left a day.

Sigh.

I miss you.

Jinny

That i know, how to save a wife

"Ah, i take 100 only, uncle ar, next time look at car then only turn. Sigh" -directly translated and edited from a jinn saying(jinn nailing a stupidity home-run)

Okay, this is me with panties up in a bunch. I'm a more controlled person now, i'm encouraging myself to give and take with people around, i'm slowly and finally starting to enjoy grandma's food instead of pretending anymore.

And god sends a senile, berserk old man behind a wheel to fucking ram my stupid car.

Not only that, i got a shelling from mom for only accepting 100 bucks from a possible 150 from that stupid old man. Only because he was frail and balding and the fucking terrified children in his car eyeballing me. And now i'm left with a crater of debts to my dad for dents and more dents, and summons aren't bloody paid yet.

So much for being kind and understanding. Fuck, me for being so stupid.

Then, the indian(contrary to popular belief, not all barbers are indian) barber today screwed my hair up for the 2nd time already. Parents are on a bitching run. And i just found out that the mid term results will be mailed by next week.

Beach holiday coming up and my bee's off for a week to koh samui in abit. Sigh.

Will take full advantage of 'us week' just yet. :)

Sighhhhhhhhh, stop whining over how whiny this is, what do you expect at 4 in the morning?

Jinny

The shadow grew as he approached the ground

Bonjour. Vouz Desirez?

Ou sont les toilettes?

Remember i made a bold statement that i'll self-teach myself french. Dont rule it off like all the other stupid statements i've made in my entire stupid life. Its Francais time. Oui!

Okay, so the exams were fucked. And i'm waiting on death row for my time on the noose in the form of a result slip. Am chasing mum to go settle the 2nd semester fees so when my results do come, it'd be too late to pull me out. Hah.

Just came back from apple shisha and 80 kilometres of highway cruisin. With my new stereo's on 29 and windows down, yelled to songs on my player like fuck with a bunch of ho's ridin wit me. Okay i didn't just say that. The new sound system's a ho magnet. But i stick to one only(before i get circumsized).

So this holiday, i'm contemplating on a new blog layout, educate myself with at least 101 french lines to turn up the heat, cook up something magnifique and get started on the very overdue crash pads to add to the bradjinn production portfolio.

Oh la la! La catastrophe!

"Give me a love smile. Gay ha ha." -heavily edited from a jinn saying simply because i vaguely remember what i actually said.

Jinny

If i was in world war 2, they'd call me spitfire

"You'll never get anything done if you anticipate the mood to do it." -edited from a Jinn saying

Haisehhh. Deep.

Whewoo, 2 days and 3 papers just like that. Just like alot of head-scratching, wall-banging, i-dont-fucking-believe-it laughs. The sub-zero conditions in the multi-purpose hall is to equilibriate the hot-headed menopausal invigilators who are really slowly biting on my ass. I mean, just relax lah!

Contrary to the tight toilet-rules and freezing conditions. Already am accustomed to minimal of 3 minute pissings after each paper yesterday and today. Even standing over the bowl and aiming/peeing so long is testing my tolerance level.

Really really trying hard to understand the word "ductile" now. To no avail, i'll save physics for a fresher, flashier me tomorrow. Before i sleep tonight, i'm gonna need channel-surfing.

A plan i'm going to execute, NOW.

Hmm, my late grandma just strayed into my conscience. Damn I miss her.

"Baby, I got a new sound system, can ride around and pick up the ho's." -edited from another Jinn saying

I really got new sound system. Ha!

Jinny

Baby, i'll wear yours as jewellery

"Love means giving something you don't have to someone who doesn't want it." -Jacques Lacan

Right now, i'm pissed. Partially devastated. Because someone in this household on this very day had the pleasure of disposing my soft flaccid tube of japanese mayonaise.

Damn you whoever it is. Seriously damn you la.

Brad should've bloody lost his tube so i wont get bukkaked so soon.

Sigh. Just did 5 odd hours of chemistry, on a food foraging break now, and i'm quite confident i've forgotten most of whatever i read. Mid terms starting tomorrow!

Whoosah.

Jinny

Just lay entwined here, undiscovered

I dont want to be juxtapositional over physics and chemistry. But they're both piling up misery, misery, and very heavy eyelids.

It will be another devil's day of formulae and facts mass cramming before my anxiety and delirium slowly builds up and devours me on monday. Fuck it that they're mailing the mid term results over but thank god it'll only last 4 days.

Am still in the dark on so many things left to read up on. Which would only contribute to more frantic attempts to peek on other people's answers to save my ass. And not get busted. But in the multi-purpose hall? Sigh.

I'm not motivated by fear. I'm hardly motivated at all. I fear regret and the outcome of my lack of motivation. I work on encouragement, not prospects or promises. Which concludes that i'm really really fucked.

Urhh.

Last night was slightly fatigued and i almost swerved into the dividers at 120 at least a handful of times, but was almost the best of the other nights we've had. Albeit you dozing off, and me almost. Mosquitoes charging at the soles of my feet.

Hands in mine, under a visibly satisfying starry sky, paused in the dim glow of streetlamps, you whispered "I love you too".

And the pieces fit.

Okay! To the bathroom for a cold face splash and back to organic chemistry.

Jinny

Love, wasn't blind. It was blinding

You know. Its the kind of situation where you read and the page blurs out.

I'm struggling so badly i'm flapping. No one's supposed to realise i'm living out my life in here with discontent. My ego wouldn't allow anyone to that tiny piece of information.

I think i'm so sucked and deep into the maelstrom that i'm already accustomed to naturally procrastinate. I forcefully try to blot myself from various distractions, but to no avail. Lest we forget that exam starts monday. Because the majority of exam period is spent in the multi-purpose hall, peeking and answer sharing is near-impossible. So i'll just ready myself to flunk out unless i kick into gear in time.

Which is, highly unlikely because my brain was never effectively trained nor manufactured to decipher urgency.

I feel darn cranky now.

Might drag on till tomorrow. Until you come to me at whatever time.

2 more nights after this. Sigh, baby sigh.

Jinny

You and i, up in the sky, its a combination for disaster

You have, stolen, my, heart.

I think i'm capable of limping through the week till friday with substantial amount of motivation. Convincing myself that i am actually spending precious ticking moments with productivity.

That is. Until we retreat to our sanctuary again. Hopefully by the end of the(this) hectic week. Which would neutralise the tension and stress at the same time, while enjoy doing what we enjoy doing best.

And baby we'll lean on the breeze this time.

Jinny

Leave me out in the sun, i'll spoil on my own

Aha. So one more miserable week left, before something serious comes up. To make or break the rest of our season. Before mum and dad starts bombarding me with enquiries about my results so far and why my bloody summons aren't paid. And then they see a little envelope with a pretty Taylors University College emblem emblazoned on the front, and start making arrangements to send me back to fucking form 6 or TAR college of my choice. Sigh. How melodramatic.

I have one week to change all that. Or at least i think i do. Without the drive or certain motivation, i've got a feeling i'll just scrape through. Only just.

Typing is a bitch right now. I've got my old robocop wrist guard going on right now. Stupid TFC cartilege decided to menopause on me again after a bout of some sick ass overhanging climbing on wednesday. I just ripped a bloody zit off the side of my head, am in pain. And i had someone's trailing heel clipped the back of my head during futsal the other day, which gifted a nice slightly-proportional mound. That still hurts a little despite the bump being pecked and kissed a few times.

And after a habsyixixixixillion years. Was at subang parade today with bee, to get her friend J a fucking pony. Pinkbluewtv 'my little pony' aptly named morning star(?) with a ridiculous parrot tattoo on its ass. You can tie bloody pleats from the long strands of pubic hair of the pony in a spectrum of colours. Sigh, i'm beating the toy up so badly. Its really pretty though. The sort of object only the females will consider into collecting. Yea, then was clowning around toys r'us with mechanical claws and pink tutus. And the tickle-me-elmo advert was gradually pissing me off.

Got fascinated by the little keychain that bore your name lying somewhere definately not close to where it came from. While we were preoccupied admiring human anatomy toys. Seriously. Out of a gizillion names, and a gizillion shelves, and a gizillion other nooks and cranny(s), your name on a keychain, staring at me in the face. Hah.

Then to some grocery shopping and aimless gallavanting. Flashing our flower decorated rubber-uglies.

Its not an empty promise, but i'm really determined to self-teach myself french during the upcoming vacation. Also get myself signed up for some hospital attachment programme because apparently its quite interesting. Maybe go for a(or two?) beach holiday and if i have time, whip in a brownie/scone/devil's food baking session. For the sake of self/relationship-improvement.

A month since i last pinched the moon. In a faraway sanctuary probably only both of us can actually enjoy and feel home even with the endless hoardes of mosquitoes.

I need THAT fix. Quick.

Jinny