Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Too miserable for my own good

In trying times, commit and jump.


Why am I so miserable? Do I not love this life?

I just cant seem to find my footing around these shores. Surely, somewhere, you're undoubtedly watching me falter. There's nothing more heartwrenching-ly amusing than watching someone like me sink far below the surface of normality. Day by day I turn more and more into dust. And you're all here to witness this feat of mine.

There's no feeling like being home. Yes, it feels secure and warmly familiar. The way the bed caves into your weight, the folds on the quilt. But I find myself seemingly afraid to say that this is exactly what I needed. I may have wrongly judged. Maybe?

There is a question which begs an answer. How do I collect myself here for the benefit of returning back to unfamiliarity? Split, swayed by the prospect of a responsibility to fulfill and the idea of loneliness.

I'm sorry, I have not done my part of the bargain. I have not yet come home to clear the air in my head. My mind's clouded, the water's murkier. The departure is inevitable. Part of me yearns for the avoidance to once again dissappoint, whole of me wants clarity.


Why is it hard? This hard for this head of mine to turn this feeling on its rear and send it packing? What have I done wrongly in the process? People have been where I've been, come and go, they've all done exceptionally mediocre, if not well. But still pulled along and emerged unscathed.

Pretty hard for you to read this till this point. Its relatively easier to dissappoint than to please with raw thoughts. Its hard to not get envious of others and pull back and say they're different. No, I'm different. If there's any relevance to it, I should be indifferent to this. But unfortunately I'm not.

I am home. In this comfort. But it feels far from home.

Asking too much?

Jinn