Dont forget to breathe tonight

"You'd get wrinkles if you smile so much; Baby, those who hardly smile dont live long enough to even see their own wrinkles."

I've heard optimists say that as long as you only immerse yourself with thoughts and visualizations of your wants in life and dont anticipate the outcome, your universe will find ways to mould to accomodate you. Or was it the law of metaphysics?

At times i cant help but knock myself and wonder. How'd you move along with the flak and scrutiny that you've most willingly recieved? Maybe its your tongue that's living the knive's edge, you're controlling as much as your conscience can tell, but how long more before you really pierce a heart, or break a spirit with words like your mother warned you?

You always seem to assume superiority upon your own image. Maybe ego-stricken and arrogant to some. Wary of what other's think about you and of your purpoted infidelity. Again to some, you're maybe potrayed as slightly materialistic, constantly flanked by the opposite sex, a womaniser. But deep down inside, you know better that when you've found that someone, its the only person you want.

Now that you've extinguished old embers to ignite a new flame, you're basking in a whirlwind of love. You hope this euphoria doesn't fizzle anytime soon, but your experience tells of otherwise. You know after these initial stages, commitment, something you've never been afraid of, overrides everything else. You want to give everything, but your battle scars are a vague reminder that your other half might not share the similiar prospects of your relationship. "Its never a bed of roses", but everyone can see so clear, you want it, and you're ready. For her.

You know better that optimism can only bring you thus far. You've been more of an opportunist in your lifetime. You've had your (pussy)suicide attempts, carressing your skin with surgical blades. A streak of great depression decorates your portfolio. Many a times you celebrate life and its splendours only to allow others to bring you down. People say you're somewhat melodramatic and can never see the sunny side up in things, which i personally think is too honest of others. Once or twice you still get bouts of 'below-neutral' sensations, but you're coping rather well now, so well you tend to laugh (some) of your worries away.

You can be proud of the fact that you're trying to be an impact in her life in everyway possible so you could support and mould her into a better person than she already is. With every good intention. I hope she's proud of you too. This is just about one thing about you that no one really knows of, you want to make an impression in the lives of others, because its probably the only thing you'll feel accomplished for.

That's why you know you love her.

Oh, and Jinn, let love and hate shower you. You need a good balance anyway.

Jinny