From me to you

Por por,

Its funny how we only start to appreciate and realize what we have lost after you've departed. I know you have played a wake up call to us in terms of the apprecation of family members and people dearest to us while our blood are still running through our veins, our minds still conscious, our presence still felt amongst ourselves. Although some of us may only be awoken for awhile and revert back to our old neglectful selves, it is a valuble wake up call in terms of my experience an self improvement.

I'm sorry por por, for i have neglected you and your existence. I have never really cared much when you were still walking those flight of stairs mumbling to yourself about how hot the weather was those days, and falling asleep in front of the television with your mouth gaping wide, truth be told, everytime you fell asleep like that, i'd check to see if your chest was still rising and collapsing, still breathing because i had feared you might one day leave us without warning. I'd forgo visiting you for other events or merely just remain home to be with my computer or the television, with the ignorance in my mind assuring me that you have still have another decade or more of being with us because of the status of your health thats always excellent, even during your dying days, i've only visited you once among those 12 days when your condition detiorated. I can still remember me and my dad walking through the sliding doors of the ICU ward to see you lying on your bed with the respirator or breathing aid fastened around your mouth, you could talk then, you told dad how you felt pains in your abdominals and you aknowledged me with a nod, i knew you would've smiled at me if you could. Even as me and dad left, you could manage a that little wave to send us out. Small as it seems, it was the last i saw you as a living, breathing, person. Shame on me for assuming that the operations would all go well although it did and you would be well on your way to recovering and recuperating, only then had i decided to visit you again, citing reasons that i was busy even though i knew i had ample time to just come see you to let you know i care so much for you. I didn't show that care, even when i thought i could, I didn't, once again i was ignorant that you might, you just might leave us anyday soon.

Mum told all of us that you were scared of what was coming in the last few days, i felt for you, i felt that fear as well, probably because you have never visited the hospital in the past 80 odd years but the fear i felt was probably the fear you felt in your quiet heart. I remembered i could make out the racy, fearful voice of yours when you told dad about your abdominal pains while i was beside him. You reduced me to tears when i heard that you finally accepted and prepared yourself for that long journey quietly although everyone knew, you held on, suffered on a little for that one last child of yours, 5th aunty to be back from singapore before you finally let go of the material world. You know por por, i've said it before, but i feel contented for you, i feel contented that before you left us, you managed to personally see all 15 of your children. All 5 boys, all 10 girls, the children you gave birth to, you gave life to, the children you brought up all your life, despite the difficulties, the death of your husband, the hardship of raising 15 children with different age gaps yet they all bond so closely together. Thats is your success, as a mother. It is where people look up to you, people salute and respect you, of all the pain and suffering of childbirth to the final fruit of having 15 wonderful children at the end of your day. You also succeeded as a person. More than anyone who could earn millions.

There were so many things that you have done for the benefit of others, including your own funeral, you blessed us with magnifient weather and the swift and smooth going of the funeral. There weren't any problems at all, in fact, to be honest, it didn't feel as though you had gone, the way the funeral brought everyone together, all your grandsons and grandaughters, everyone along your ancestral line, family friends, it didn't feel like you were gone at all, it felt just like every other new year. Gathered in your big blue house in malacca where most of us cousins and the generation ahead of us grew up in. I swear i could still catch a glimpse of you walking around the whole family from the corner of my eye. Its amazing how you brought us together during your days and you managed to bring us all together again like old times after you passed. There's a certain feel to it.

Honestly, i felt so thankful when i found out that your funeral was a buddhist one. Frankly i was expecting the taoist funeral where the chinese operas would be playing and we would have to obey countless superstitions. The thing about your funeral, is the serenity of it. The chanting, the talks given by the monks about life and death, most of all, the buddhist hymn singing at every end of a chanting session. Everyone chants along with the little puja book in hand, everyone stands up and bows 3 times to you in mark of respect, everyone stands up and sings their hearts out to buddhist hymns. A funeral fit for a calm and noble woman like you.

Por por, i was afraid, i was afraid to see you lying there, under the silk, behind the glass, with a pearl on your lips. I'm not used to seeing an empty shell, a carrier with no mind, a stagnant body. Until i saw you, lying there, under the silk, behind the glass, with a pearl perched in the middle of your lips. I hardly could've recognize you, the formalin injected made you look like a wax figurine, your eyebrows have been tampered, and at times, the dry ice would create too much moisture and leave little droplets of water on your face. But beneath all the beautification work, i know lies a woman beautiful on her own, without enhancements. I swear if i stared long and hard enough i could make out a little faint smile on your face. Everyone came by, and everyone said you looked very peaceful, which i think signifies the way you left, in peace. The first time i saw you, i was captivated, at first i was worried, i was afraid of what you might look like, but after that first glance, i wasn't afraid anymore, my initial thoughts were banished, i couldn't get enough of looking at you. Even to the point when the coffin had to be sealed, i would promise myself one last look of you only to break it after a few minutes. When the coffin sealed shut only the reality shot to me that i will never ever see you as a person again. I felt so devastated, after you left, it was at that moment the thoughts came rushing, little over 3 weeks ago, i saw you, you were still moving, you were still laughing, you were still as energetic and alive as ever. Now, you're sealed in a coffin, making your way to the hearse. The only image of your walk, your laugh, your everything when i could still feel you and talk to you and call you por por is merely just a thought playbacking in my mind.

Sometimes i pray that you'd just wake up in the midst of everything and it would just be a case of mistaken death or probably be the first person to hibernate or anything but its just so helpless to think that you're gone. You made me loathe myself for depriving my time with you. I remember we used to tease you among ourselves saying you look like a mafia boss in those dark shades. Those days are gone, they aren't coming back.

As i stood on the mounds of earth beside your grave, with a bunch of pretty flowers clasp in my hands. I stared at your coffin. Lain at 6 feet under, in a brick cavity. As the monk and everyone present there, 3 busloads, all recited our final prayers, i couldn't stop staring at your coffin, the thoughts again rushing through my head, how i spent time with you, how i'd hug you long time ago everytime we left malacca for kl, you'd give me and my sisters 50 dollars each, again and always, the way you laugh. It sticks with me, when i'm asked to reflect a happy thought about you, i'd think of your laugh, time to time again, i'd think of your laugh and i'd miss it so badly.

Then i threw the bunch of roses and chrysenthemum into your new resting place. I knelt down, picked up a palmful of earth and scattered it down into your grave.

"I'll see you in the next life por por."

We lost you, thats our karma. You left us in peace for a better life, that's your karma. It wasn't only you who passed away, the family and all its traditions passed away along with you.

And now i'm starting feel the vortex, the emptiness of your departure. I know i could never bring myself to tell you this during your days, which is funny why everything only comes out after its all too late.

I love you and i miss you por por. As a grandmother and as a matriach figure not only to me but to everyone in your family, my family.

The last goodnight. I know i'll see you again.

Jinny

Dark christmas

I sleep with 5 alarms everytime i have to wake up early. But today.

"Jinn, wake up, por por passed away."

I lied in the dim glow of the morning light, just stared at the ceiling. Even before my sister made it clear that my grandma had passed i made it sure myself. I knew what was coming, i knew what she said even before she said it. My mind was just following her like karaoke when she said those words, its all too familiar.

No one took it by surprise because it was very much expected, my grandma had gall bladder cancer. A cancer so rare that universities have been requesting for specimens for further research. It only took 2 weeks from a severe abdominal pain to gall bladder stones, to cancerous cells eating into her liver then poisoning of the blood. Absolute renal failure was the killer blow and she's been in the ICU for a very hectic week as her stability went downhill.

As for me, i paid the price for only visiting her once in the last 2 weeks, i'll never see my por por walk up my staircase anymore, i'll never get to salute her personally for climbing the great wall when she was 82 with us although i never did even if i had the chance. I'll never get to see or hear my mum complain about force feeding her because she was malnutritioned, (she had a petite physique). Chinese new years are never the same anymore, her annual birthday gathering would never bring families together as always, and we'll never go for our annual frasers hill trip on the 24th of every december the same again.

We're suppoed to leave today, but we stayed back to watch her leave for somewhere else. To see my grandfather after almost a 20 year lapse.

Por por's on the right. I've not seen anyone hold chopsticks with so much grace.

I salute my grandmother, my mother's mother, mother of 15 children, grandmother of couple of dozen grandchildrens, great-grandmother of a handful of great-grandchildrens. I salute her for her contribution to the medical field on her dying days. I respect her for staying hospital-free for the past 80 odd years. I'm contented she lived a life well lived with a magnificent family. I'm also contented she got to see all 15 children before she finally let go of the sorrow and suffering. She could've gone earlier but she held on and waited for one more daughter from singapore. I was and still am proud to have and had a grandmother like her.

I'll be away in malacca from tomorrow until thursday, so while you're celebrating christmas back home with your families and lots of presents under that christmas tree of yours, i bid you a HAPPY HAPPY MERRY MERRY CHRISTMAS.

Dont MIT lei sai lou ge lan tao just because he gets a better present. :)

Oh and of course, after a whole week of production. Finally, me and brad, bradjinn, we present to you our latest video. Please put those banners up on your blog as well! Thats a RAP!!

BradJinn Production presents:
IT ENDS TONIGHT


It gets better and better.

Jinny

Wah, damn nice ah

Hello everybody!

I'm back with a new post, with a more positive approach at the start. Also with more gusto, without complaint and certainly without blankness. I will write any inspiration to swim through my mind! :)

Prom was great. Proms were great. The earlier prom was great. My prom was greater great. My prom had hip hop dancers with erotic physique and super gyrating movements, we also had corn soup and fried rice which isn't really fried. I'm not complaining! I know some of you are, but who cares? Like they're really gonna refund anything. I saw the chef taking a peek at the hip hop dancers with erotic physique midway through the show and his hands were in his pockets, both hands, probably the push and pull technique, and also explains why our broccoli had excessive white substance with a gooey texture. Egg white you say?

But that's not the point, the dish tasted fine, the hip hop dancers with erotic physique never stopped moving, serena c never took off those crimson red shoes. By the way, serena c had an erotic physique also. Fuck it, everyone that night had an erotic physique except phupinder and 2 girls from 5 Ixora i think who dressed like hookers. Fuck them hookers, we're about prom, we wanna talk about who made out with who or who proposed to who or who gave who flowers, we wanna talk about those suits that flash our masculinity, we wanna talk about the plunge on dresses, who had the biggest cleavage *cough*, who looked like shit and who looked even shittier than shit, who had the best hair, or the worse hair, or the horrendous golden spots on noren's head which really accentuates his stupidity which only cements evidence that he was, is, and always will be a stupid blighter. Enough of badmouthing for an hour, we also wanna talk about how ganjalin sashayed in the ballroom with her award winning dress, or who was dirty dancing to sean paul in the midst of green laser.

Now they say explaining about it is just not enough anymore, everyone wants to see pictures. Lack of imaginative skills. Nevermind lah, i post some pictures for those who are deprived of those skills only because i want to share. :)

The theme was then and now, then we were fucktards with huge trolley bags and thought that guys can also make their own cement. Now we're still fucktards but equipped with better social skills, like our social skills damn good lor, and we now know our distinct mating calls. Although some of us still think that guys can make their own cement. Damdum la these niasengs.

Sorry la people, i really wanna post pictures up but my stupid koneksyen standing in my way. It wont let me upload anymore pictures so i guess i'll have to do it another day, maybe next year. Haha, nola, when i'm free lah, like maybe next year lah. Come to think of it, there's nothing to be happy about, my stupid koneksyen would only grant me 5 minutes of airtime before timing out for another 5 minutes, and it keeps repeating as long as i'm online. So i cant even recieve or send pictures, i cant even recieve the beta version of bradjinn's new production, i cant even get to send DJ prom pictures to mlia. Cant have a decent conversation with anyone. Oh ya, no complaints right, so i stop here. But then my stupid koneksyen, like miew san says, i wanna MI LEI GE LAN TAO.

If you rearrange prom, it can be morp, omrp, pomr, pmor, whatever. It can also be ROMP. And after prom, we had a romp. Not sex romp lah, just a romp at my dad's apartment in kl. We proceeded to have 2 guys turning red, 2 guys throwing up all over my dad's ceramic toilet bowl, 1 girl getting tipsy for 4 hours, 1 glass broken, and 1 lecture session from my dad the day after for all the dirty towels. Me, brad, faraj and amresh also had a fruitful discussion about singhs at 5.30 in the morning. The grandmaster singh is watching us all with his divine turban. Thats why we couldn't talk too loud.

That was the the SMKTS prom. The afterparty was almost as fun lah, me and mak sitting on the balcony in the apartment with our pepsi twist in wine glasses in hand overlooking the past midnight skyline of kl. While the guys were bullying the "girl" in the drinking game behind us. Fei, leely and li ying were on the couch having a threesome. Haha, fuck you la, they were watching Borat.

And for those who still think pn harminder's cleavage is the mother of all cleavages, i forgive you for you weren't at prom.

Mmmmmm what a satisfying post. They say a great morning always brings a magnificent day. And thats another smiley for you. :)

Jinny

Write a new one

As you get older and wiser, its so hard to think of how to start writing. I've shaken off from the english essay phase for at least just the meantime and thinking of what to write has only gotten more ballbreaking. Its a repetition all over again, time and time again i get on with a new post telling all you people out there how hard it is to start a topic. I know, its sickening, i feel it too.

Okay fine, i'm starting a new post, one with a more positive approach at the start. One with more gusto. Without complaint and certainly without the blankness, i will write with any inspiration to swim through my mind.

Damn sad lah, i need to psych myself up with a silly post.

Jinny

My shoulder's cracking, go find another one

One week ago, we obliterated exam stress. We indulged in the joy we could only anticipate a few months or weeks back.

24 hours ago, i was deflowered, my cherry popped. I was no longer a virgin of formal clothing. For the first time I donned a striped shirt, a shiny necktie, and a flashy coat. Without using protection.

Today, I feel so vocabularily constipated i've decided to let the pictures blog. To the thought of it, its bloody long since i last posted relevant pictures.

SMK Damansara Jaya Prom Nite at The Renaissance

Men with really rigid breasts. Yes, men. Ask my chin how they felt.

Prom king Ken Yew and prom queen Rachel.

Mak Heong Weng here looking at his best. Despite having to walk in the rain with me to dad's apartment, frustrate himself with the tv cables while plugging his PS2 to the tv, pay an extra 4 bucks for our taxi ride, and having to tolerate a shaky ironing board. Not to mention his date looks wowowweewow.

Repulse-ive. Plays good music, lead guitarist Michael does his guitar like Zeppelin, 2nd guitarist Kel is my joga bonito kaki, drummer Siew Haur probably has the most unkept, unpolished, unshampooed hair of the night. One strand got so stale it became brown.

Then of course my date cum girlfriend Emelia Tan who was *coughs* fashionably later than late.

My drop dead gorgeous. My stunning. My eye piercing. My mlia.

After the after prom party at Nasi Kandar Pelita, 10 of us had to sqeeze into a deluxe room at renaissance and you can literally feel the thickness of carbon dioxide increasing and precious oxygen thinning. In addition to the occasional snores and moans here and there. It wasn't a good night's sleep.

One more prom coming. They say once you've popped you cant stop. :)

Jinny

Curtain close

It has become another phase of our lives completed. After the harrowing 5 years coming face to face with our educators. Tuesday, thursday, friday tuitions. After all those failures in additional maths, moral and chemistry. After all the friendship bonds made and broken. The 6.30 morning body alarm. All the horrifying injuries inflicted be it to the shins or the heart. Not to mention sports, representing the state for athletics was my highlight, my peak. Then the frantic last minute cramming of all things biological.

It all boils down to the last two weeks. Our curtains closing on one stage. A new curtain is parting on a different stage.

As for now, its over for good, for now only.

Now i can get my room refurbished, bed sheets change, curtains switched to a lighter colour, work up my biceps and triceps to it once was, make rock climbing my nicotine again, severely shoot up in cholesterol, watch every movie in the cinemas between september till now, watch tv without guilt, holiday!!!!!! A well deserve one! Or two. Maybe three. There's always friends and emelia time, and get my new pro evolution soccer and championship manager.

Something tells me i'm gonna end up swivelling on my swivelling chair in the end. As always.

Jinny