B

Happy 2nd Anniversary B!

Way back when, Ciao at Jalan Tun Razak

Remember when this picture was taken way back. You still had that nose piercing I liked so much.

Here's to more!

I Love You. More than my 'once hard', hairless, lumpy hands can count.

Jinn

I fold

And autumn is in full flight. I've been piling on layers and layers trying to counter the icy gusts. The melbourne weather is as unpredictable as you might already know. The typical day starts off with a beautiful sunny glow and birds chirping. It stays to play for abit before the rain clouds roll in and freezes everything below it. Even though it decides not to pour. Maybe the state of victoria's tagline should mention a hint of the weather just to overshadow the pseudo image of victoria being "the place to be".

The final half of the semester is just about done in 3 weeks and it seems alot to cover in half a year. I'm struggling with assignments for the first time in my life, putting utmost emphasis on refraining to plagiarise and doing my referencing right. I've never heard of referencing prior to this, let alone acknowledging someone else's work. Considering this is the standard of workload in my first year, the next ones aren't going to be too smooth.

As I would love to think things are slowly straightening out right. The nagging uncertainty has never been set to leave just yet. Although, I must say, I've been making progress. I'm going out more, recently spending a bulk of my time at the state library, and not only because the temperature inside is regulated while everything is cold and gloomy outside. I've been finding my way about, being a tad bit happier than I was. Maybe this is as far as it goes.

Finally trying to get out and about.

Something I love doing is browsing through my inbox of my old samsung before I sleep at night. Reading over and over messages from last year and back when it was still a long way to leaving. The 2 months spent living in a foreign yet familiar land. Abu Dhabi was comfortable, more comfortable comparitively to anywhere that I might have ever been. Being with thegirlfriend and her family was an incentive. Spending my days just walking around the malls, Al-Wahda, Marina, Abu Dhabi mall, although I undoubtedly spent a little too much. Trying my hand with a left-hand drive vehicle on rare occasions. Representing the consulate of Singapore in dragon boating along the stretch of clear blue water next to the exhibition centre. Going to Istanbul, my first foray to the european region, although I suffered rather badly with the culture shock.

Abu Dhabi, where the world is flat.

The only possible time I really felt in a team.

Didn't enjoy Istanbul, but thankful for the experience.

Browsing through, I stumbled upon a few of kelvin's messages. Though as simple as "where are you?", it flooded me with thoughts of him, knowing I'll never see him again.

And then there were those messages sent in the process of planning something with the rest. Our late-night outs, beer and drinking sessions, dinners, getaway trips and so forth.

Rockband/poker night. Something to remember.

My mind has never been so congested before I sleep.

Melbourne, a city so overpopulated, so inspired and eccentric, yet so cold and empty.

Jinn

Hurt or heal?

I know I might've been a little too open. Too honest for anyone's liking. Things confined in the very spaces of my mind being thrown about without remorse. I apologize. I never should've thought out loud.

There are those things I potray. And then there are some that others would never comprehend. If I were to lie to you, I'd say I'm more than happy standing here. Filling this cavity of time somewhere along the rolls of my life. Its not easy, but I cant go about assuming I'm the only one man feeling this way.

How many would be delighted to be able to be in my place. Where I'm in now, at this point of time, with that shot of being successful? Thankful for this opportunity. Thankful for being significant one way or another.

But it doesn't tie me down to the fact that I can't feel low because that is somewhat the case.

Just like you and I, I have needs and wants, which not fulfilled, the ever present sense of misery and loneliness is almost certainly here to stay, and it doesn't diminish just because my opportunities are a little more privileged than most.

Albeit the fact, I shouldn't have said what I said. To realise it took more people to be hurt than to understand was discouraging.

Though the seriousness of this should be waning by now.

Jinn

Lets be fucking honest here

I'm on my face's edge with the wall. Things were looking so prospective before I set off from where I grew up. My comfort. My backyard. Let's be darn honest here, mum, dad, time's up, I want to go home.

I fucking want to go home.

Its my silent plea. My quiet protest. A feint sense of regret. I'm really miserable here. Standing on the balcony watching the throngs of people as they walk down the street. Each individual is beckoned by a peer, or many in that matter, another individual with a same purpose, same agenda. And I think to myself, why am I here? Why not down there?

I find myself pathetic. All I gather from others is empathy. Without inspiration, without breakthrough. I'm at a junction where I can't understand this situation and neither can anyone.

I'm lonely. Beyond all things comprehensible. I'm so lonely. Even with the occasional person by my side. Even when I'm surrounded, I'm that one figure in my world. Even with an occasional foray into the public with some people, I strike a lonesome figure. Why? I'm struggling to know why.

I'm alone and I envy. I envy the people here who are making it. Who are always never free, never bored, never lonely. I see their pictures, I watch their days, it makes me feel low. It makes me feel so miserable.

My state of mind has ruled my body. I try, I do. I try to go out and have a great time. Make plans for my own. But most of the time those plans dont come to fruition because I just dont want to step out.

I want to get out, but I'm so confined in my condition, I cant seem to help it. I'm so scared that today is just another mirage of a better day before I slip back into my initial state.

This is harder than I thought it would be. Trying to type these feelings out. Everything is on the surface level. I'm trying to delve deeper but it wouldn't patch up in words.

As much as you'd like to protest, I've got no one here. In the city, the place I thought I'd be most at home, is already so foreign to me. I'm on my own. And everyone has someone or something to look forward to. I'm stagnant.

And when I ventured into a new place last night, Berwick, although surrounded by my compatriots and local peers. Its hard for me to find that welcome because I'm not part of the fraternity or the group. Which was discouraging. Uncomfortable.

Please try to understand mum, dad, you're never going to read this, but I need to go home. I need to be where I'm significant. Where I'm part of someone's life. I'm no-one here, insignificant, alone, miserable, envious, down, pathetic.

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you or me wanted it to. Its going to be hard. And I dont know when I'll finally crumble. While I'm almost at the brink now.

You'll read this, but this situation is much bigger and more serious than what words can describe.

Jinn