What if i wanted to break? Laugh it all off in your face

No quotes because i've not mouthed anything smart or significant during the build up to this post.

Mid term results came in yesterday. Christened me with a 2 hour session of blatant mother to son lecture. Facing mum on some terribly uncomfortable coffee chair yesterday was the tightest slap i've got since i spat words back at her long before i reached puberty. And i dont know, maybe you're discreet and reading my blog without being over-obvious, but dad, i am hiding my results from you.

As much as i hate a talking to. Now my mother knows where the hell i go in the late hours and why. Accustomed herself to my tendency to make empty promises. And firmly lodged in my head is when to say no, and yes.

And then dad, something you shouldn't know is that i drove to port dickson. With 2 girls. We overnighted in a resort. So maybe if you're really reading this, you'd probably be furious. Its hard to relate to you sometimes, and i'm guessing its our family upbringing. Its not that you're not important, its just so fucking much easier to talk and express to mum. Its tough to peck you on the cheeks without feeling self-conscious, heck, its hard to even say good night to you, let alone an apology text message.

And now with oscar long gone. I dont know if we'll even see him again.

Nobody seems to really care.

Beach holiday was different. I now know my way in and out of port dickson like the back of my hand. I know where bayu beach resort is, where most of the haunted spots are, the most cursed road, new market, lighthouse, almost everything i should familiarise with and suddenly its not the size of camp 5 anymore.

Thanks to ah girl(shuyi) and ah boy(leroy) who met up with me, xr and chucs for dinner after our sunbathing attempt. They led us to seafood. Then the lighthouse. Was an accomplishment for chucs who'd claim its the most adventurous trip she's been in. Had an evening walk up a jungle road in pitch black conditions and i surprised myself for not feeling any fear whatsoever. The panting and sweat was worth it though, because just the mere thought of being alone so high up at the lighthouse coupled with the sea breeze can be euphoric. Sorta like a faraway, minus you. Took up a few cancer sticks due to daddy issues while listening to boy's emosong classics. Made the treacherous journey down through scary pitch black road to the car after almost 3 hours up and got back to the resort to sit by the beach. With kampais and arnotts in hand, gradually freaked ourselves out with scary stories. Briskwalked from beach to car to mamak for another round of stories, supposedly less-frightening with presence of light and people. Ended up sleeping with lights on.

Weouw. Its difficult to blog in the manner which i just did.

I'll do better with pictures.

From this trip, my car's finally got an identity, an anatomy, and chastity. I requested a name that'll invoke the feeling of abuse towards it. Something that'll make people just wanna dent and bruise. Suzy.

And oh baby. You're back. :)

Jinny

If looks could kill, you'd be a murderer. Maybe just a whore

"Baby, I was about to ring up the malaysian navy to enquire if there was a plane from kl that didn't make it to koh samui." -Jinn

Okay so you're basking in the sun, chalking up old caucasian perverts and getting gay massages from thai gays. Not like they're much different from tranvestites. Working your fingers amongst electronic gadgets which you slowly and horribly are getting used to. You just blew 60 bucks from your purse making international calls so i could hear you and you could suscribe to my daily report. Poor baby. And oh, i miss you terribly(not like i've not made it a little too apparent).

So you've got your beach holiday in honeymooner's paradise, and i'll have mine in a place the size of mid valley tomorrow. An all-girl's (road)trip. Literally.

In the past week i was deflowered of my wheelchair-bound-virginity. I was someone so full of hope for the holidays, all plans laid out, brimming with anticipation for self-improvement attempts, amongst them to "tonify" my already flabby seeham tummy. And then i was climbing, bouldering as usual, when i fell from bloody 2 feet with my ankle in a fragile stance.

*CRACK*

The caps lock and bold was to signify that it was THAT fucking loud. Next thing i knew i was whimping in front of a dozen international school kids. The ice-packs only seemed to fuck things more and hopping on one leg from camp 5 to the clinic was worst than having my car ploughed into by a senile old man's car. Clinic conveniently braised my skin with the infra-red light during the heat-therapy and thank bloody god for the bloody wheelchairs.

Special treatments. Priorities on who gets to go in the lifts in front, habsyixixixixillion stares. The perks of being wheelchair-bound. The stares are most likely due to me and brad being convincing retards.

"Excuse, excuse, *waves arms* i'm a retard." -Jinn on wheelchair

Oscar, my narcoleptic dog is on the run again. For almost 2 days now. I wouldn't be brave enough to say i'll accept that he's probably road kill or beagle stew, but we just might have to deal with reality harsher and sooner than we thought. As far as i'm concerned, he could still be a virgin. Okay seriously, i need blog readers around my area to just be attentive to white and lemon-brown dogs roaming around. Ears long and flappy and probably black with dirt right now. If a kid or indonesian maid says its oscar, then its oscar because they know best.

Oh wait, i have a picture to simplify matters.

As much as i say i despise him, i do care for him. Please come back.

Jinny

In a field outside of town, we could always be alone

Baby you hardly left a day.

Sigh.

I miss you.

Jinny

That i know, how to save a wife

"Ah, i take 100 only, uncle ar, next time look at car then only turn. Sigh" -directly translated and edited from a jinn saying(jinn nailing a stupidity home-run)

Okay, this is me with panties up in a bunch. I'm a more controlled person now, i'm encouraging myself to give and take with people around, i'm slowly and finally starting to enjoy grandma's food instead of pretending anymore.

And god sends a senile, berserk old man behind a wheel to fucking ram my stupid car.

Not only that, i got a shelling from mom for only accepting 100 bucks from a possible 150 from that stupid old man. Only because he was frail and balding and the fucking terrified children in his car eyeballing me. And now i'm left with a crater of debts to my dad for dents and more dents, and summons aren't bloody paid yet.

So much for being kind and understanding. Fuck, me for being so stupid.

Then, the indian(contrary to popular belief, not all barbers are indian) barber today screwed my hair up for the 2nd time already. Parents are on a bitching run. And i just found out that the mid term results will be mailed by next week.

Beach holiday coming up and my bee's off for a week to koh samui in abit. Sigh.

Will take full advantage of 'us week' just yet. :)

Sighhhhhhhhh, stop whining over how whiny this is, what do you expect at 4 in the morning?

Jinny

The shadow grew as he approached the ground

Bonjour. Vouz Desirez?

Ou sont les toilettes?

Remember i made a bold statement that i'll self-teach myself french. Dont rule it off like all the other stupid statements i've made in my entire stupid life. Its Francais time. Oui!

Okay, so the exams were fucked. And i'm waiting on death row for my time on the noose in the form of a result slip. Am chasing mum to go settle the 2nd semester fees so when my results do come, it'd be too late to pull me out. Hah.

Just came back from apple shisha and 80 kilometres of highway cruisin. With my new stereo's on 29 and windows down, yelled to songs on my player like fuck with a bunch of ho's ridin wit me. Okay i didn't just say that. The new sound system's a ho magnet. But i stick to one only(before i get circumsized).

So this holiday, i'm contemplating on a new blog layout, educate myself with at least 101 french lines to turn up the heat, cook up something magnifique and get started on the very overdue crash pads to add to the bradjinn production portfolio.

Oh la la! La catastrophe!

"Give me a love smile. Gay ha ha." -heavily edited from a jinn saying simply because i vaguely remember what i actually said.

Jinny

If i was in world war 2, they'd call me spitfire

"You'll never get anything done if you anticipate the mood to do it." -edited from a Jinn saying

Haisehhh. Deep.

Whewoo, 2 days and 3 papers just like that. Just like alot of head-scratching, wall-banging, i-dont-fucking-believe-it laughs. The sub-zero conditions in the multi-purpose hall is to equilibriate the hot-headed menopausal invigilators who are really slowly biting on my ass. I mean, just relax lah!

Contrary to the tight toilet-rules and freezing conditions. Already am accustomed to minimal of 3 minute pissings after each paper yesterday and today. Even standing over the bowl and aiming/peeing so long is testing my tolerance level.

Really really trying hard to understand the word "ductile" now. To no avail, i'll save physics for a fresher, flashier me tomorrow. Before i sleep tonight, i'm gonna need channel-surfing.

A plan i'm going to execute, NOW.

Hmm, my late grandma just strayed into my conscience. Damn I miss her.

"Baby, I got a new sound system, can ride around and pick up the ho's." -edited from another Jinn saying

I really got new sound system. Ha!

Jinny

Baby, i'll wear yours as jewellery

"Love means giving something you don't have to someone who doesn't want it." -Jacques Lacan

Right now, i'm pissed. Partially devastated. Because someone in this household on this very day had the pleasure of disposing my soft flaccid tube of japanese mayonaise.

Damn you whoever it is. Seriously damn you la.

Brad should've bloody lost his tube so i wont get bukkaked so soon.

Sigh. Just did 5 odd hours of chemistry, on a food foraging break now, and i'm quite confident i've forgotten most of whatever i read. Mid terms starting tomorrow!

Whoosah.

Jinny

Just lay entwined here, undiscovered

I dont want to be juxtapositional over physics and chemistry. But they're both piling up misery, misery, and very heavy eyelids.

It will be another devil's day of formulae and facts mass cramming before my anxiety and delirium slowly builds up and devours me on monday. Fuck it that they're mailing the mid term results over but thank god it'll only last 4 days.

Am still in the dark on so many things left to read up on. Which would only contribute to more frantic attempts to peek on other people's answers to save my ass. And not get busted. But in the multi-purpose hall? Sigh.

I'm not motivated by fear. I'm hardly motivated at all. I fear regret and the outcome of my lack of motivation. I work on encouragement, not prospects or promises. Which concludes that i'm really really fucked.

Urhh.

Last night was slightly fatigued and i almost swerved into the dividers at 120 at least a handful of times, but was almost the best of the other nights we've had. Albeit you dozing off, and me almost. Mosquitoes charging at the soles of my feet.

Hands in mine, under a visibly satisfying starry sky, paused in the dim glow of streetlamps, you whispered "I love you too".

And the pieces fit.

Okay! To the bathroom for a cold face splash and back to organic chemistry.

Jinny

Love, wasn't blind. It was blinding

You know. Its the kind of situation where you read and the page blurs out.

I'm struggling so badly i'm flapping. No one's supposed to realise i'm living out my life in here with discontent. My ego wouldn't allow anyone to that tiny piece of information.

I think i'm so sucked and deep into the maelstrom that i'm already accustomed to naturally procrastinate. I forcefully try to blot myself from various distractions, but to no avail. Lest we forget that exam starts monday. Because the majority of exam period is spent in the multi-purpose hall, peeking and answer sharing is near-impossible. So i'll just ready myself to flunk out unless i kick into gear in time.

Which is, highly unlikely because my brain was never effectively trained nor manufactured to decipher urgency.

I feel darn cranky now.

Might drag on till tomorrow. Until you come to me at whatever time.

2 more nights after this. Sigh, baby sigh.

Jinny

You and i, up in the sky, its a combination for disaster

You have, stolen, my, heart.

I think i'm capable of limping through the week till friday with substantial amount of motivation. Convincing myself that i am actually spending precious ticking moments with productivity.

That is. Until we retreat to our sanctuary again. Hopefully by the end of the(this) hectic week. Which would neutralise the tension and stress at the same time, while enjoy doing what we enjoy doing best.

And baby we'll lean on the breeze this time.

Jinny

Leave me out in the sun, i'll spoil on my own

Aha. So one more miserable week left, before something serious comes up. To make or break the rest of our season. Before mum and dad starts bombarding me with enquiries about my results so far and why my bloody summons aren't paid. And then they see a little envelope with a pretty Taylors University College emblem emblazoned on the front, and start making arrangements to send me back to fucking form 6 or TAR college of my choice. Sigh. How melodramatic.

I have one week to change all that. Or at least i think i do. Without the drive or certain motivation, i've got a feeling i'll just scrape through. Only just.

Typing is a bitch right now. I've got my old robocop wrist guard going on right now. Stupid TFC cartilege decided to menopause on me again after a bout of some sick ass overhanging climbing on wednesday. I just ripped a bloody zit off the side of my head, am in pain. And i had someone's trailing heel clipped the back of my head during futsal the other day, which gifted a nice slightly-proportional mound. That still hurts a little despite the bump being pecked and kissed a few times.

And after a habsyixixixixillion years. Was at subang parade today with bee, to get her friend J a fucking pony. Pinkbluewtv 'my little pony' aptly named morning star(?) with a ridiculous parrot tattoo on its ass. You can tie bloody pleats from the long strands of pubic hair of the pony in a spectrum of colours. Sigh, i'm beating the toy up so badly. Its really pretty though. The sort of object only the females will consider into collecting. Yea, then was clowning around toys r'us with mechanical claws and pink tutus. And the tickle-me-elmo advert was gradually pissing me off.

Got fascinated by the little keychain that bore your name lying somewhere definately not close to where it came from. While we were preoccupied admiring human anatomy toys. Seriously. Out of a gizillion names, and a gizillion shelves, and a gizillion other nooks and cranny(s), your name on a keychain, staring at me in the face. Hah.

Then to some grocery shopping and aimless gallavanting. Flashing our flower decorated rubber-uglies.

Its not an empty promise, but i'm really determined to self-teach myself french during the upcoming vacation. Also get myself signed up for some hospital attachment programme because apparently its quite interesting. Maybe go for a(or two?) beach holiday and if i have time, whip in a brownie/scone/devil's food baking session. For the sake of self/relationship-improvement.

A month since i last pinched the moon. In a faraway sanctuary probably only both of us can actually enjoy and feel home even with the endless hoardes of mosquitoes.

I need THAT fix. Quick.

Jinny