As easy as it sounds to the ears, another good morning and afternoon has been wasted.
I know I'm leading myself to my own destruction.

What the hell is happening to me??!

The only thing that spurs me on right now -->

Swedish Almondy Cake with Daim inside.

Life was just too perfect then......

Looking back at those carefree times, when all you worry about is whether your toys are safely kept, or how many of your cousins will turn up everytime you balik kampung.

My cousins in this capture with me are the few closest ones even until right now, I admire this photo of its authenticity, the innocence in the looks, and basicly, just the fun we had taking it, and even by looking at this photo.


In case you're lost in the faces, I'm the one tormenting my cousin in blue.

"You cant always get what you want."

MSSM Champion School Relay in Kedah has taken a quick 4 days off my life. Well, to talk about our results would mean I'm still not over it, but heck, of course I'm still not over it. Jordan Jordan, our last runner, technically our fastest 200m runner in the team, what happened to the last 10m or so in the finals? This is everything you need to know.

22nd September 2005: Woke up at 6 to do a double check and pack the dried clothes that were hanging around my room the whole night through into an overpacked luggage bag. Set off for school at the usual time. And from there, arrived at Cobra Club where the rest of the Selangor team were staying at approx 7.30am. The only thing not worth enjoying is the 8 hour bus rides with multiple toilet breaks. No wonder it took 8 hours. Arrived at Alor Star at 5pm, settled into our dorms (as usual, the boys get the cramped, bottom-floor, ugly toilets dorm, and the girls?, the NEW block! Not tryna be a sexist, but God is a girl man...) So what do 5 curious guys do when they settle into an unknown territory and the toilets are a wreck? Of course, they search for toilets of their own. Our toilet (secret! as we claim la), was this secluded spot inside the school compound, and we only bathe when the students have all gone home, and NO, we weren't naked. Today's the first time I'm in Kedah and I finally know where the heck Butterworth is.

23rd September 2005: Bus leaves for the stadium at 7.30am, the 4x200m heats was the only event in the morning, as we reached the stadium, hung around for about 1 hour before Boss started nagging about warming up. I took my Ponstan(painkiller) tablet hoping it might take effect just in time for the race. Warming up, I guess we pretty much took the back-seat, didn't really warm ourselves well when they ushered us into the reporting zone, it all happened so fast, the only thing i can remember is the cold, stiff muscle feeling when I was doing my wind sprints, it was then I knew I'm in deep shit. And true enough, we clocked the 8th fastest time (1:38:61), and to make matters worse, we were the last qualifier to the finals, so it was really a narrow escape. Lazed the whole afternoon through at our secret toilet reading sejarah and listening to Audioslave. The damned Ponstan started taking effect at night.... =.=

24th September 2005: Morning was a free, until the afternoon, we were psyching ourselves with consoling words like "No pressure" and "We have nothing to lose, we cant go any worse than 8th". Although we knew that the first 2 medals were totally out of reach, (Kelantan and Perak were freaking fast!), the best we could hope for was a bronze. Somehow, the finals seemed perfect, our warm up was perfect, not much pressure mounted on our backs, the weather was quite warm, which adds the effect to our warming up, at that moment, we were actually confident we could really nick the bronze medal from the other 5 finalists. Even the Kelantanese wearing their professional body suits weren't enough to jitter me. For once, it was like the perfect race.
The gun went off, I yelled my nervousness with curious glares from the crowd sitting behind me, although we were placed in the 7th lane, I really though Ming Hee did quite well for his first 180m or so, until he stepped on my marker and I set off, now usually once the runner who's passing the baton reaches the marker, a standard yell of "UP" to signal to the runner recieving the baton to lift his arms in a stretch and then simutaneously, recieve the baton. But Ming Hee was abit special then, instead of the "UP", he yelled "Jinn! Jinn! Cannot ar! Cannot ar!", I had no choice but to slow down, once I had the baton, it was a blur, though I cant really remember my run, I do remember Boss' words of "Relax Run!" repeating over and over again in my head, my baton passing to Mogan couldn't get anymore perfect and after his pass to Jordan, somehow, I had that tingling feeling of him not really making it to 3rd place, it's like an intuition, when you have feelings like that, it usually happens. Jordan was in 3rd place when the baton was passed on to him, and 3rd place was the best bet. Though I didnt have the best view of the whole incident, the 2 faster teams were already far ahead, and in 3rd place, was Selangor, with Jordan, our hope-bearer, and then behind him was the chasing pack, 5 states, all chasing Jordan like a swarm of bees, none with the intention to give up. To make a long sotry short, we were overtaken in the last 20m, not one, but all 5 states (eg. Tsunami), and well, whats worst than 8th place? In the end, we were left convincing ourselves that it was indeed a very very close race and like a "fight till the end" scene, the 1st 3 runners got a few praises, and Jordan?, he didn't sleep well that night. Selangor was 6th in the rankings overall and only a mere 2 points seperates us from Sabah who are in 3rd, if we couldve won our race.......

25th September 2005: Another 8 hours back home.

There, the report on the last 4 days, this post has been written with a disturbance of the fact that my exams start in 2 days, and I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY have not studied anything seriously!

This is a picture of my feet, wrapped and medicated with mum's all-time-favourite Swedish Bitter. And right now, I really really cant walk, not even around my room. Everytime the feet feels pressured, it responds by plunging me into a excruciating pain. Sigh.. And I'm running this Friday, if its school sports or whatever, its fine, but NO, MSSM, no room for error, and its just another 3 days left.

Well, to you Julie, thank you for your care and support. Really, thank you soo soo soo much.. :)

Well this is it, there are so many things I wanna say, but I've decided to keep it a little longer, maybe after the exams whatsoever.

Leaving for Kedah on a 10 hour bus ride on Thursday morning. And with my feet injury, I'm really really in a bad state right now, so bad I have to resort to Ponstan, some sort of painkiller.
No doubt it takes away the pain from my feet, but will it take away the pain of my heart? Geez, I'm melancholic again.

So to all readers, I'll either see you online tomorrow, or when i get home, that is, on Sunday. I guess apart from the free Selangor running vest and tracksuit I'll get, and hopefully the Gold medal, I'm not really looking forward to the 10 hour trip, and not only that, the thought of being away from Peejay to Kedah (soooo farrrr) for 4 days, without msn, without going to school and seeing everybody there, without the mcds and burger kings, and my drum lesson!! Please do, send me short text messages to make me feel QUITE at home. :)

Oh and to those people who'd hope for me to perish from this world, (I'm not saying there are, but you'll never know), well, you might get what you want sooner than expected, dont ask me why, but I feel like I'm filled with health hazards, the constant spinal pain, the searing chest pains, all-too-often migraines, constant nose-bleed, joint aches. More things undescribable, it just worries me, I've not told anyone in my family, therefore, I dont know why the hell am I revealing it in my blog. For my two sisters to read and then maybe break it out to my parents? Well as long as I keep shrugging it off, things might get worse, sighhhhhh, I guess I'll leave it to my karma.

The last place I'd wanna be laid to rest peacefully is in Kedah, so lets pray for the best then!
Till I see you people again, and your smses on my phone.... :D hee... hee.. peace.

Love,
Jinny

Keep it in your fragile hearts, and dont say a word, h**cracks!

Thanks for everything you've done, I hate you.

I wished that could be amplified a thousand times through the microphones, and PA systems, and propaganda inhalers. Just to let you and everyone know how I feel.

"You": (Not necessarily targetted at ONE person, but to every single one I'd loooovvvveeee to mention in my blog!)(honestly, there's toooooo many of em!)

Why do i care so much about the feelings of the people who have hurt me the most? And are STILL hurting me day to day. Sometimes, be a little too nice to the wrong people and you're condemned to a silent living hell.

And people, these are the few things that I'd personally declare too HOT to handle:
1) My Chemical Romance
2) Kate Beckinsale
3) Rhona Mitra
4) Peterpan (Indon Band)
5) The focking weather
6) Emily Browning (yes, still her)
7) IPOD NANO!!!

AND.......

8) UNmaterialistic girls ( Love me for me, as they say)

One time too many.

Attention: Armed and dangerous. If you happen to stumble across anyone bearing this name-tag on his left chest, and if in such a good coincidence that you may be carrying any firearms, shoot him for mankind's sake.

Watching Helena over and over again, radio-ing to Westlife, the air drums are finally up and running... again. And slumping on the swivel chair, wondering why wouldn't anyone write something about "99 Reasons To Why Eujinn Should Die" in their blogs.

And then, I should be better off dead. Mind clouding thoughts about hate and loathe of the people revolving my everyday life. Its like a day resolution, you wake up in the morning and tell yourself that you'll be having people like these later in the day and how you should just get on with life. To tell yourself these people are merely just people in our lives are no bed of roses. Trust me. Its been this way for years now, and to hear other people trying to act rational, telling you to Do or Die, has never made things worse.

From the heart's point of view, If I didnt care about the deep, cold, feelings of others, I wouldve, couldve, shouldve, easily've dissed SO many people in this blog, this is making me sound like a wuss, but its better to be humble as they say. There are those things in life that can never be eradicated, its so fucking hard to tell people what you think nowadays, they'd just shun you away and maybe assure themselves by quietly claiming you're suffering from mass-paranoia. Its already so hard to express thoughts in blogs without offending people and "bruising their EGOS", let alone a decent face to face conversation. Fuck it.

Amazes me how I'm still blindly sitting here, attending to this blog which I so pussily dare not express all the shit I feel. I have stuff that a normal girl would have a 6 page essay in her journal just to scratch the surface of it, but hell, guys dont keep journals, thats why they have blogs, ONLINE journals, to write whatever shit we want to and tag it up for the whole fucking world to see. Usually, most guys WANT to let girls know what they think, and the girls, well,they try to hide their thoughts so much, it incinerates their lives. But then, there are some things in life that are better left unearthed, swept under the carpet, even if we dont want to, what else have we got to do?

A little insight of what I do nowadays, well, i find the shadiest areas, and I walk alone, take in the air and the clouds above, and think, why'd i get things i want, and why i dont get things i want, I curse the BIG guy up above for putting taunting obstacles in front of me, some may think I'm Schizophrenic, but yes, at times, no, but most of the times, everytime, I talk to myself, I ask myself questions about life, what is happening in the world around, I do get crude remarks when I'm in a complicated mood, I have people call me weird, diseased, freak, etc etc, hard to believe, yes I know, remarks that a normal guy with a bulging ego wouldve easily gone berserk, give that person a black eye, or threatened to jump off a cliff. But well, you cant change the opinions of others, what's said is said, its either you take it in and well, life goes on, or, you stick a .38 into your throat. Either way, its a bitter bitter pill to swallow.

We have no other choices have we?

Maybe these few days, I'll be burying my mind into biology or chemistry, or simply, just gazing into the sky, thinking that if humans were evolved from apes, why'd we have to change our minds from simple thinking, eat, sleep, fight, sex, monkey mentality to the hardcore mindset we all have now. Dammit, fuck... i mean, THANK YOU everyone I'd wanna diss so much in this blog for being such WONDERFUL friends!

Pardon me for all the harsh words Ive used, my post wouldnt be with so much passion if I didnt include anything like that. And I assure you for now, this is NOT a suicide note.
P.S. Julie, if you dont see me online this coming Flatter Night, then well, we'll have to wait for next monniversary yeah. Sorry.

Love,
Jinny

Digging and ruffling through the old photo albums and I stumbled across the classic of all pictures ever taken with dad's old Nikon.

Amazing it makes me wonder, why was I trying so hard to be like my sisters during that age. But all in all, my 2 ambitious sisters did a favour and a good job with everything. Ladies and gentlemen, a 6 year old, feminine, Eujinn. Enjoy.. -.-"

After 25 days together, countless gatherings, handful of meetings, hundreds of practices, a creditable amount of performances, mouthful of praises, one INTI title, a hefty amont of RM400 not used YET, and the honour of performing in front of a Menteri in KDU Malam Seni Berzaman. Puteri Santubong, has finally come to an end, but i wouldn't say end because it means it'll not happen anymore, so lets just say Puteri Santubong has finally come to a halt last night. After a near-perfect performance, it was no competition, but I'm sure that if it was, we wouldve bagged top prize again, looking at the auditorium erupting into a frenzy of applause was appealing enough.

Most of the time i think to myself, that its a sad sad thing that all things have to come to an end, especially the good good ones, one minute you're looking forward to it, the next, it all turns to memories. Although its been almost 9 months now, the expedition group spirit still runs endlessly in my veins. Till our next activity together guys! Thank you guys for all and PEACE!

Expedition group and Puteri Santubong group includes : May Vern, Jie Feng, Chee Yean, Audrey, Andrew, Kah Yang, Zi Yan, Michelle, Cze Wien, Siew Yen, Ee En, Momo, Brian, Vincent, Pat-Pat, Jun King, George, Chee Seong, Amakor, Beng-Beng, Myself, Samuel (didnt join us in the later parts anymore), Charles, Pn. Fari and En. Zol. Love ya'llllll!!