I love how you have it all in me

Okay i'm back from hanoi. So this is when the short countdown begins.

Coming through 5 days in vietnam, i cant tell who's more of a fucking manwhore, a vietnamese taxi driver or a homegrown mat rempit? The resemblance is uncanny. But for once i've arrived back home thanking myself that i live here. I wish you could grow hydrophonic versions of those two in comparison so i can pluck them from their styrofoam bases and crush them into pulp.

Not that i have something BIG against any of them but a vietnamese cabbie once ripped me of 70 ringgit for a ride in less than a kilometre. Not very long ago. In fact, just yesterday. Although it would've been 90 or 20 american dollars without a quarrel. Thankfully, I'm NOT that gullible.

But hell, i'm back, and i can now climb and gym intensively for the next one week or so before judgement day. Which brings to my mind that christmas eve is in the next 15 minutes.

Exactly a year ago i'd have my biggest regret to date. I was at a barbeque, chucking fireworks into the night sky when my grandmother was gasping for breath, unknowing to us that it'll be her last. Maybe she wasn't gasping for air, she was peaceful as i was told, but point is i wasn't there. Everyone else was, but me. How ignorant of me to assume i'd have plenty more time to make up for my absence in her dying days.

And then the year has passed. As quickly as it cometh. Soon enough, we'll step across into another, leaving one more eventful year to rest. A year with loss and accomplishments, riddled with firsts and possibilities, and opportunities well taken, as well as abandoned.

But of course, loss is abundant. Perhaps, the most notables. Many relationships lost, as often as forged. Possesions come and go. But i'm contented that those in which i work for has stuck with me right up till this crossover.

Some things were shamelessly easy to let go. Actually most things, now that i've found myself more open to changes. I've had released many to lessen the burden, things that i've found of no benefit to my well-being, or to me at all. Things that i've felt that i'd be a slight bit happier if it weren't in my life. Sometimes, all you can do, is let go, leaving it all behind as we move one step ahead, taking it all in our strides. Learning from the past and applying it to the future, the oh-not-so-optimistic future.

I like how this year has treated me. Harsh, yes, but it doesn't mean i wasn't harsh either. But i've come to realise how fragile i can be, or everyone else in that matter. Or how headstrong and stubborn the human nature is. How the harshest things can be said but we take the hit to the chin as ignorance of another, the insecurities or the yet-to-develop-more mind. And we move along. In conjunction with the release of the all american rejects song, this year was practically all about moving along.

I've broken down, so many times. I've broken down in the right arms, i've broken down in the not-so-right arms. Machismo or buff or whatever floats your boat, i was broken, am still broken but have been glued in the right places. Sometimes the undefined actions of the people around you are the ones that plays with your mind most. The worse ones are those that seem obvious but are still undefined. But still, you move along, you try to fix it, but you move along.

As far as i'm concern, blame is not something that can be pushed about. And sometimes you find yourself taking more of the blame than you've done. People killing themselves for the pressure being put by a govermental education system. And the system cannot be changed although many know its flawed, because everyone follows the majority. Not everyone's an Akon. Not everyone can ask someone to "put the blame on me" or "i'll take that blame from you" without reasonable doubt.

Before this reverts into a melodramatic fit.

This is (about almost)what the year has brought me. Enlightenment in certain areas of my life. And there are those things or people that i'm more than happy to have as the year unfolds. My Lovely Bones as i would call it.

"A little hush please, the next episode is about to begin."

Jinny