Requiem

Beautiful sunny autumn day in Melbourne city.

Testing

I'm testing out blogging from my iPhone. Seems like it works pretty well.

Honest

I love how millions of people flood their blogs with their genuine, raw thoughts.

I recently slipped into my prior state once again. Apparently it seems I'll be languishing in it for a longer time to come. Why do I end up so miserable here? In addition to my cousin, as a housemate who wouldn't even wash my one dirty plate along with the kitchen crockery that he uses, he just washes his stuff and leaves that one plate alone, just because I used that fucking plate and not him. Since when did things become so segregated? My fucking plate is your fucking plate.

I'm doing beer bottles one after the other, with my head spinning, I thought I was supposed to feel nothing. Even if I do, I wasn't supposed to give a fuck. But why do I still care, if not more than ever why I feel so insignificant?

Why am I subjected to being this way? Dont I deserve to feel like everybody else? Not crawling around this shithole I'm in, waiting for a fucking change that doesn't seem to be coming.

Stop neglecting my existence. I deserve a place in your life as much as everyone else. Unless I'm that one entity that you loathe, then tell me you loathe me and lets be done with it. This goes out to everyone.

Haha, is it me or do I sound pathetic? So uninspired. So low. I'm not here for your sympathy though. So you can keep that. I'm trying to be fucking honest behind that facade.

Oh change, where the fuck are you???

Oh god, I've had one too much to drink.

Jinn

SomebodyNobodyAnybody?

"You may not have won anything, but at least you're a someone from a no one."

That up there, quoted by my former athletics coach, respectfully referred to as sir Zol. Who then, has clearly no idea about the real definition of my being a someone now.

I miss being that someone then. The belonging to a fraternity, a posse in which your significance is undefined. Not precisely limited.

Now, I'm just a somebody, living as a nobody in a land of everybody.

Sitting down here in the glow of my reading lamp, while (almost)the whole Melbourne sleeps. My heightened sensations in brief periods of silence never fails to amaze me. I listen to the whizz of the passing car's tyres as they brush against the foundations of the street below, the subtle clicks of footsteps (the same sound you get when you crush hard candy with your molars) on pavements and the occassional incomprehensible yabber of the beloved street's late-night pedestrians. Possibly drunk. High from crack and cocaine. Little things I love to assume, it intrigues me.

Out of a realisation I suspect, I conjure a flattering idea under my breath.

"What a great time to be alive."

When humanity is at its peak. Where progression is stagnant. The people around us, basking in the glory of modernisation. Is this really where the beginning of the end starts?

And then like the fleeting life of the poor mayfly.

"It is also a great time to cease."

Jinn

Piglet flu

B

Happy 2nd Anniversary B!

Way back when, Ciao at Jalan Tun Razak

Remember when this picture was taken way back. You still had that nose piercing I liked so much.

Here's to more!

I Love You. More than my 'once hard', hairless, lumpy hands can count.

Jinn

I fold

And autumn is in full flight. I've been piling on layers and layers trying to counter the icy gusts. The melbourne weather is as unpredictable as you might already know. The typical day starts off with a beautiful sunny glow and birds chirping. It stays to play for abit before the rain clouds roll in and freezes everything below it. Even though it decides not to pour. Maybe the state of victoria's tagline should mention a hint of the weather just to overshadow the pseudo image of victoria being "the place to be".

The final half of the semester is just about done in 3 weeks and it seems alot to cover in half a year. I'm struggling with assignments for the first time in my life, putting utmost emphasis on refraining to plagiarise and doing my referencing right. I've never heard of referencing prior to this, let alone acknowledging someone else's work. Considering this is the standard of workload in my first year, the next ones aren't going to be too smooth.

As I would love to think things are slowly straightening out right. The nagging uncertainty has never been set to leave just yet. Although, I must say, I've been making progress. I'm going out more, recently spending a bulk of my time at the state library, and not only because the temperature inside is regulated while everything is cold and gloomy outside. I've been finding my way about, being a tad bit happier than I was. Maybe this is as far as it goes.

Finally trying to get out and about.

Something I love doing is browsing through my inbox of my old samsung before I sleep at night. Reading over and over messages from last year and back when it was still a long way to leaving. The 2 months spent living in a foreign yet familiar land. Abu Dhabi was comfortable, more comfortable comparitively to anywhere that I might have ever been. Being with thegirlfriend and her family was an incentive. Spending my days just walking around the malls, Al-Wahda, Marina, Abu Dhabi mall, although I undoubtedly spent a little too much. Trying my hand with a left-hand drive vehicle on rare occasions. Representing the consulate of Singapore in dragon boating along the stretch of clear blue water next to the exhibition centre. Going to Istanbul, my first foray to the european region, although I suffered rather badly with the culture shock.

Abu Dhabi, where the world is flat.

The only possible time I really felt in a team.

Didn't enjoy Istanbul, but thankful for the experience.

Browsing through, I stumbled upon a few of kelvin's messages. Though as simple as "where are you?", it flooded me with thoughts of him, knowing I'll never see him again.

And then there were those messages sent in the process of planning something with the rest. Our late-night outs, beer and drinking sessions, dinners, getaway trips and so forth.

Rockband/poker night. Something to remember.

My mind has never been so congested before I sleep.

Melbourne, a city so overpopulated, so inspired and eccentric, yet so cold and empty.

Jinn

Hurt or heal?

I know I might've been a little too open. Too honest for anyone's liking. Things confined in the very spaces of my mind being thrown about without remorse. I apologize. I never should've thought out loud.

There are those things I potray. And then there are some that others would never comprehend. If I were to lie to you, I'd say I'm more than happy standing here. Filling this cavity of time somewhere along the rolls of my life. Its not easy, but I cant go about assuming I'm the only one man feeling this way.

How many would be delighted to be able to be in my place. Where I'm in now, at this point of time, with that shot of being successful? Thankful for this opportunity. Thankful for being significant one way or another.

But it doesn't tie me down to the fact that I can't feel low because that is somewhat the case.

Just like you and I, I have needs and wants, which not fulfilled, the ever present sense of misery and loneliness is almost certainly here to stay, and it doesn't diminish just because my opportunities are a little more privileged than most.

Albeit the fact, I shouldn't have said what I said. To realise it took more people to be hurt than to understand was discouraging.

Though the seriousness of this should be waning by now.

Jinn

Lets be fucking honest here

I'm on my face's edge with the wall. Things were looking so prospective before I set off from where I grew up. My comfort. My backyard. Let's be darn honest here, mum, dad, time's up, I want to go home.

I fucking want to go home.

Its my silent plea. My quiet protest. A feint sense of regret. I'm really miserable here. Standing on the balcony watching the throngs of people as they walk down the street. Each individual is beckoned by a peer, or many in that matter, another individual with a same purpose, same agenda. And I think to myself, why am I here? Why not down there?

I find myself pathetic. All I gather from others is empathy. Without inspiration, without breakthrough. I'm at a junction where I can't understand this situation and neither can anyone.

I'm lonely. Beyond all things comprehensible. I'm so lonely. Even with the occasional person by my side. Even when I'm surrounded, I'm that one figure in my world. Even with an occasional foray into the public with some people, I strike a lonesome figure. Why? I'm struggling to know why.

I'm alone and I envy. I envy the people here who are making it. Who are always never free, never bored, never lonely. I see their pictures, I watch their days, it makes me feel low. It makes me feel so miserable.

My state of mind has ruled my body. I try, I do. I try to go out and have a great time. Make plans for my own. But most of the time those plans dont come to fruition because I just dont want to step out.

I want to get out, but I'm so confined in my condition, I cant seem to help it. I'm so scared that today is just another mirage of a better day before I slip back into my initial state.

This is harder than I thought it would be. Trying to type these feelings out. Everything is on the surface level. I'm trying to delve deeper but it wouldn't patch up in words.

As much as you'd like to protest, I've got no one here. In the city, the place I thought I'd be most at home, is already so foreign to me. I'm on my own. And everyone has someone or something to look forward to. I'm stagnant.

And when I ventured into a new place last night, Berwick, although surrounded by my compatriots and local peers. Its hard for me to find that welcome because I'm not part of the fraternity or the group. Which was discouraging. Uncomfortable.

Please try to understand mum, dad, you're never going to read this, but I need to go home. I need to be where I'm significant. Where I'm part of someone's life. I'm no-one here, insignificant, alone, miserable, envious, down, pathetic.

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you or me wanted it to. Its going to be hard. And I dont know when I'll finally crumble. While I'm almost at the brink now.

You'll read this, but this situation is much bigger and more serious than what words can describe.

Jinn

A new plaything

Still learning the trade.

Jinn

You're an escape

I love it when its a thunderstorm, and you know that gloom to come.

I'm an overnight success story. I'm a size 36 to size 32. Remember how I confessed about wanting skinnies? I bought two pairs and lost more weight since.

I'm a dysfunctional body. Working against the natural process.

I'm on a deserved break, culminating from nights of thinking and working. But yet I'm adamant that my real break lies away from where I sit now. I feel heavy to motion. Hesitant still to make moves.

I'm hoping for rain, so I have a plausible reason to stay in.

I'm disgusted of the jail food I make to stay alive. But I know I'm hungry.

I'm glad to have found people I could share a common interest with at my institution. But doubtful still that anything substantial could me made out from it.

I'm missing home. But silently searching for signs that home misses me.

I'm in a position where cancer sticks are what keeps my blood flowing. But aware enough to know its what buries me.

I'm one to enjoy spontaneity. But when the opportunity becomes scarce, I wish things were planned out beforehand.

I'm enjoying the progression of things. But sceptical about the prospect.

I'm satisfied with wind in my face. But longing for it to blow me away.

I'm assuming its a placebo effect. But its too realistic to dispel that notion.

I love it when its marred by imperfections. But beautiful still.

I'm in a mire. But funny enough, I'm contented in here.

Jinn

Everytime you download music, a kitten dies

Here's a confession, I've always longed for one of those black skinny jeans that hugs you lovingly in the best places. But I cant fit into any. Either that or it bear hugs me.

The Man behind my door.

We're on extreme weather alert now apparently because Victoria Police texted everyone yesterday informing us of another possible bushfire due to escalating temperatures and strong winds today. Well they probably got the strong winds part correct because when I go out, my hair is struggling to hold in one style and I think the boxers I left out to dry last night turned out coated with dust, like a dust cushion somewhere around my scrotal regions now. It rained this morning as well, and the sky does not look like clearing up anytime soon, so chances are you wont be seeing another heartwarming picture of a fireman feeding a scalded koala bear in the papers.

This is the Edward Cullen your mother warned you about.

And with that, I hope this turns out to be the anti-climax to the end of summer.

Melissa Pong in the kitchen, only when the stars are aligned.

In an unrelated but equally interesting note, my university is on strike. Our vice-chancellor came out with a considerate idea to extend facilities by prospectively wanting to construct new campuses. This, in return, has required the university to slash expenses to as much as 30 million dollars. Thus, resulting in the inevitable sacking of 270 staff members and shutting down two other campuses in the outer suburbs. This incredible act of infamy increased student numbers in my campus by about 20 percent, some courses and subjects are in the works of being removed, and we now hold the honorable title of the institution with the 'Worst Teacher-Student Ratio' in Australia. Sigh.

I'm accustomed to sitting alone in uni. Its not easy mingling around.

So to oppose this modern form of hierarchal tyranny, the lecturers and tutors have decided to go on a boycott for about 6 days in 3 weeks. Which undoubtedly means NO NEED TO WAKE UP EARLY NEXT WEEK!

No lah, I'm really serious with my education. I'm dismayed, I really am.

Jinny

Feist-y

I'll Try Anything Once - The Strokes

Hey, if you have an iPhone, get Shazam from the applications store, because if you hear a song somewhere, and it pisses the shit out of you because you dont know what it is or anything, turn Shazam on and record a snippet of it, it will then search its database of 9 million songs (haha!) and provide you with the answers you seek. Its S.H.A.Z.A.M.

Oh wait, its only available in anywhere but Malaysia.

I've shifted in. Yes. I'm finally inhabiting my own space. Space I duly paid for with a hefty price. And because my room is small and claustrophobic, it undoubtedly looks fifty times cosier now that it is clustered. Tomorrow I'm poised to blu-tack my wall with printed pictures so I get to see everyone's pretty faces before I doze off every now and then.

And maybe take a nice little photo for everyone to admire. Heh.

Its quite a feeling finally living alone. Albeit my cousin's soundly asleep in the room beside. The responsiblities of signing contracts and paying bills on my own, retrieving my own mail, having my name printed on official envelopes. No to mention the overwhelming sense of freedom. Its like finally, a new chapter in life, not in a pseudo context anymore, a real new experience. Although I still loathe the idea of housework.

And classes have started. Having successfully scraping through week 1, I have 2 assignments due in week 3 and a huge one about an interview with a real-life manager. I've also added into 'the people I met' tally, three and quarter Australians, one quarter Indian, one quarter German and one Serbian. Going out to play has been rather tough for me but hopefully it works in my favour.

Its the comfort of having people I know that are willing to do shit with me that's waning.

Today I've been shooting a repertoire of rhetorical questions to myself about my apparent weight-loss. 6 of my kilograms have mysteriously vanished. My waist feels bare at the thought of my size 36 pants that no longer hugs it. Even with the diligent help of the belt.

To add salt to injury, my shirts have all shrunk because of some dryer.

I'm torn between shopping for new clothes or extra feeding myself so I can fit into old clothes. Both requiring to stretch my budget a little tighter. I never knew losing weight had such repercussions.

Jinny

On The Other Side Of The World

Integrity is a full basin, shame is the spiral down the sinkhole.

I can't remember the last time I've started an institution without knowing anyone at all. After three days of orientations and 2 days of classes, I've only come to introduce myself to one and a half Malaysian(s), two british lads and five and a half Australian(s).

Victoria University has decided to start a week earlier than every other higher education institution in Australia, which has condemned me to a 6.30am wake up call, and a 45 minute tram-train-tram ride much sooner than anyone else.

But three days of classes, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and I have the long weekend ahead. Sounds too appealing to make up for it.

I'm very aware of the idealogy of cramming classes into as few days in a week as possible.

Mental block because Gossip Girl is on tv. The bitchful sounds are very very distracting.

Jinny

Lets go see Raoul, lets make a stand

I have finally stumbled upon one greatest flaw of the magnificent iphone. I cant bloody upload the photos I took into my computer. And then another just popped into my head, you cant take videos with it.

Then I found this application that allows you to post pictures onto facebook from the iphone. I just have to go to facebook and save image. So inconvenient.

Anyway, a photo of Seasons, the apartment I'll be shifting into maybe by next week.


This is Pelham Street, where the apartment is. Beautiful evening today.

And I was scrolling through Chi Khan's blog today and I came across this other photo. Sometimes being a boy and being dumb does put smiles on people's faces.

Classic us.

Jinny

Binman to Hitman

As of now, I've been in this land almost a week. Still struggling to shake off that habit of thinking too much about home and the stupid things I do when I have the freedom of being behind the wheel of my life.

And today, I've conveniently heard tragic stories of how some people require a whole year's of bawling over the phone to come to a stage where they cant wait to come back here. I'm further doubting myself now.

Its astonishing, the weather really. How temperatures can fluctuate by 20 degrees in a day. Last Saturday, Melbourne had the worst heatwave in history, contributing to bushfires in the suburbs and killing almost 130 people as of now. Right now, its 15 degrees celcius. Complimenting a day of a constant 19 degrees. You never make it a priority to trust the weather forecasts.

Since I got here, I've been moving about, getting alot of distance in my daily walking exercises. I refuse to take the tram because the weather is good. When the weather is bad, I refuse to go out. So far I've been running around to banks, getting bank cheques done, and gallavanting to and fro to the city and to the real estate agent's office.

After the day, its just staying home, watching The Biggest Loser and So You Think You Can Dance and playing pro evolution soccer. Which I suspect is the causing my right arrow button on the keyboard to be a little knackered up. A little bit of facebooking would be an understatement on the largest scale.

But I'll get over it soon.

Sometimes I feel slightly limited for things to do, but I actually have an Australian Tenancy Booklet to read and pages of rules to memorise in abiding to the law of renting property. Oh, I finally have an apartment.

Now that just leaves me with furniture shopping, utensils, internet connection, paperworks, more bank visits.............

I've also come to realise that I really need to mind my language on facebook. Seems like my dad's my most avid fan.

I'd like to think that I could work part-time, given the salary paid to students here is astoundingly high(say RM5/5 minutes), and finance my return ticket back home during the winter. But sub-consciously I also know that I can finance part of my huge rent. However I prefer to stay oblivious.

I know I lack the pictures to justify the amount of words I write sometimes. I apologize. I will post some, soon.

Jinny

Melbourne, 2009 - ?

Right now its just 2009 - 2009, because I cant wait to go back to my glorious homeland at the end of the year.

Hello hello, this is me again, I think I'm undergoing an initial bout of homesickness, bound to get worse and worse.

I do wonder sometimes what everyone else is doing back home. And the fact that the sun sets at 8.30pm, uncannily, stimulates that thought even more.

Yes, I did cry, albeit having my man-ego torn to shreds, I admit. Like a 5 year old child leaving mummy for the first time in many people's context. But it is hard not to bawl, okay maybe not bawl. It is hard not to tear after the past month of bonding with everyone I know back home. Its a very warm fuzzy feeling knowing everyone acknowledges you and when you depart, and that its not just a sad affair for yourself. Ah, I miss you guys already.

The weather here is awesome, sarcasm not applied. The air is chilly, which is really quite apparent when night falls. Its just the sun thats scorching. The news here predicts that this Saturday comes another bout of heatwaves, pushing the mercury to about 43 degrees. Thats much more than any Malaysian can handle. And the apartment I'm living in now, thegirlfriend's apartment, has no air-cond. Just 2 stand fans in service for combat.

I've been internet deprived since I got here and now that I have it, we just realised that the maximum bandwith is just 200mb. Which means it might just run out by say, tomorrow. With 15cents per mb after limit. Not to mention I spent 13 dollars on wifi at Gloria Jeans this afternoon.

Anyway, I'm yet to acquire my Australian number but in the meantime, I have my usual one and another M'sian number at +6017-3388815. I'll give you my Australian account number on request if any of you are feeling generous. Say, donate to the BradJinn fund. Heh.

And I've gotten myself another email address because I've realised embaressment while filling up official documents with my current address.

chiaeujinn@gmail.com

There, a slightly more matured one. Anyone wants to snail-mail me, I'd be happy to entertain.

Oh, okay, bye!

Leong, Hann, Mel, I'm waiting for you!

Jinny

Time to shape it and make it

Its a little too soon to be taking off don't you think?

The chinese new year is in approximately 10 minutes and I've already collected today a fair share of support funds for abroad. In about a week, I know I'll be terribly homesick, sick missing the new year buzz, gatherings and those late-night marauding to bars with the people I'll equally miss. 

One box of belongings has already found its way to Melbourne. And thats it, nothing else seems to be going just yet. I really thought It'd be easy, this whole packing up and leaving, leave out all the rest and start afresh. I really thought my persistence and determination to move on was impenetrable. Now I lay, emotionally even more attached to lets just say 'home'.

I bet thegirlfriend feels almost the same way too. Comfortingly, I have her with me until hann, melpong and that cousin of mine arrives later on in the month.

So far, work hasn't really been all too enjoyable without kelvin around anymore. But whoever's left makes attending to unscrupulous customers a little less of a hassle. Most of them customers aren't even worth as much as the clothes on their backs judging by the way they are. Its a common problem in Malaysian society. Staggering amounts of people who feel shop assistants of any sort are a rung below customers, or that because we serve therefore we are without ambition, direction or a future. Shame on you. 

I know my colleagues will be missed. 

6 days until I leave and BradJinn productions might be in the works again. I hope I've the capabilities to have 2 farewells, another day's work and one more night out. 

Then I'll put my head to rest.

Jinny

Swab but swap

"Love makes me stronger, hate makes me unstoppable."

First off, I apologize to those who still has no clue when I got back. I've delved straight back into my job and I've been overly occupied with some extra-curricular activities. At times I find myself lacking the time or patience for the computer.

The past week on an island was really refreshing. Like a much deserved break. Perfect for recharging and realigning principles in life. It made me realise how foggy yet bright the future is. Figuring this thin, feint, glimmer out with brad, what I plan to undertake does not necessarily guarantee a high-paying job or me masterminding something extraordinary. I'd dare take a step away from the stereotype. This prospect is quite self-consuming I must admit.

I'd open a reggae bar somewhere on a pristine beach and live out my life there if I must. I've been thinking actually about nomad-ing after obtaining a degree. After graduation, possibly with a business-partner, brad? We'll have a one-way ticket to any exotic location anywhere in the world, and take off. With the clothes on our backs and some extra undies in a knapsack. Rough it out and get a job and see what happens. 

Oblivious to the fact that we might have just wasted precious education funds. 

Thegirlfriend's coming home at noon tomorrow, and apparently she has more plans than I have. 

My room's a mess because of the process of mass packing, I'm leaving on the 2nd of February. Less than 3 weeks or so. I'm not ready to leave home just yet.

Jinny

Existence without existing

"Nothing stays the same."

I think I've adopted the new phrase as somewhat a philosophy for the new year. A personal outlook, no matter how general it sounds.

My only resolution for the new year is the exact same resolution I made to myself the year before, and the year before, and years and years before. 

Make this year different from the last.

In relation to that, I thought I did pretty awfully well with 2008. Undoubtedly, that means I stuck to my resolutions with distinctions. 

Its almost less than a period of a month before I'm leaving, and i've got to say this anticipation and hype is waning. Suddenly the prospect of leaving isn't so much so appealing. As much as I'm desperate to further my life on greener pastures by mere assumption. I dont think I'm ready just yet to bid farewell.

Oh, happy new year everyone. Especially to thegirlfriend, who's all the way over the arab side. With much love. 

Jinn