Lets be fucking honest here

I'm on my face's edge with the wall. Things were looking so prospective before I set off from where I grew up. My comfort. My backyard. Let's be darn honest here, mum, dad, time's up, I want to go home.

I fucking want to go home.

Its my silent plea. My quiet protest. A feint sense of regret. I'm really miserable here. Standing on the balcony watching the throngs of people as they walk down the street. Each individual is beckoned by a peer, or many in that matter, another individual with a same purpose, same agenda. And I think to myself, why am I here? Why not down there?

I find myself pathetic. All I gather from others is empathy. Without inspiration, without breakthrough. I'm at a junction where I can't understand this situation and neither can anyone.

I'm lonely. Beyond all things comprehensible. I'm so lonely. Even with the occasional person by my side. Even when I'm surrounded, I'm that one figure in my world. Even with an occasional foray into the public with some people, I strike a lonesome figure. Why? I'm struggling to know why.

I'm alone and I envy. I envy the people here who are making it. Who are always never free, never bored, never lonely. I see their pictures, I watch their days, it makes me feel low. It makes me feel so miserable.

My state of mind has ruled my body. I try, I do. I try to go out and have a great time. Make plans for my own. But most of the time those plans dont come to fruition because I just dont want to step out.

I want to get out, but I'm so confined in my condition, I cant seem to help it. I'm so scared that today is just another mirage of a better day before I slip back into my initial state.

This is harder than I thought it would be. Trying to type these feelings out. Everything is on the surface level. I'm trying to delve deeper but it wouldn't patch up in words.

As much as you'd like to protest, I've got no one here. In the city, the place I thought I'd be most at home, is already so foreign to me. I'm on my own. And everyone has someone or something to look forward to. I'm stagnant.

And when I ventured into a new place last night, Berwick, although surrounded by my compatriots and local peers. Its hard for me to find that welcome because I'm not part of the fraternity or the group. Which was discouraging. Uncomfortable.

Please try to understand mum, dad, you're never going to read this, but I need to go home. I need to be where I'm significant. Where I'm part of someone's life. I'm no-one here, insignificant, alone, miserable, envious, down, pathetic.

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you or me wanted it to. Its going to be hard. And I dont know when I'll finally crumble. While I'm almost at the brink now.

You'll read this, but this situation is much bigger and more serious than what words can describe.

Jinn