Somethings best said

Jinny

Tunebutts

So there's a fine line between hot and attractive. So what.

I've been back a week now. Much to the surprise of some as it seems. The plane ride was as much turbulent as i felt leaving Melbourne. Such an easy place to embrace. And so i'm back to sweating while sleeping and being cranky.

Hard to say i'm nonchalant about the growing fact that life after college isn't running as planned. I'm almost undoubtly tied down here to at least a few more years while everyone around is jetsetting to greener pastures. Although, of course, put me on the next flight out if you may. Part-time jobs aren't looking very promising although i admit, i've been picky about the choices of work conditions. Somehow i've only garnered two applications at two different fields of moneymaking.

It seems to be futile attempts though. Or i'm growing impatient.

I've been obsessed with Dexter lately. Haven't felt this obsessed since the Lost days. And last night I got so disturbed because 5 minutes left into the last episode and the dvd hanged. Fucking pandemonium. But awesome series nonetheless.

And i've rewarded my patience and persistence with a psp. I almost made a purchase of a second hand one in melbourne and i made a 2nd trip back to the shop to buy but it closed. And with much persuasion from the girlfriend, i got mine back here brand new and at a better price.

And before leaving melbourne, i bought an absolut peach for everyone back home who has to invite me to a party if they want it. Heh.

I just need the call to be hired.

I couldn't upload videos but i've got some pictures from the trip.

Oh and i bought an almighty australian Penthouse magazine. I'm not sharing that one.

Jinny

My jelly belly

Those with the blog trackers, if you see someone arriving on your blog from melbourne victoria, thats probably just me.

Apparently some of you got highed so badly from your alcohol sessions that i recieved some crank ass message at about 6 am here 2 nights ago. No names mentioned. Know your alcohol tolerance limits lah people.

Well, just got back from Mornington yesterday, the weather there is that fucking extreme. Because its a town by the sea, the wind could probably uproot a tree. The sort that when you lean back in the wind, you'd still wont fall. Its that strong.

Phillip Island weather was also quite a bitch. Drizzles coupled with blizzard like winds. But the view of the cliffs and volcanic rock probably made up for it. The awesome part was when the clouds parted for a moment and the sunlight was let through as it shone into the sea. The beam was really apparent.

I'm having dificulties uploading videos and pictures into this laptop so its really a shame that i cant provide visual images.

Although, i'm glad to be back in the city again. Sushi rolls, and max brenner's belgium waffles, and great italian food on lygon street. I could live on those if i continue my life here. To tell you the truth, i do want to continue a life here. Its probably the only one of the foreign places that i've been that i learned to adapt so well and blend in. I cerainly see myself walking the streets here.

Been buying alot of jelly beans from the candy shop too.

Jinn

Melbourne shuffling

Fucking cold.

Hello there people back home. It is I, having a headache and i cant feel my toes. And i have to eat to keep myself warm. Its colder than you can imagine here in Melbourne because i'm sure you're sweating under your pyjamas now. Heh.

This place is a little more awesome than i expected. Unlike Singapore, I see homeless unshaven people everywhere. Even better that they're smelly and they have syringes clenched tightly in their fists as they gallavant through the streets. Not only that, i just ran into a bunch of obnoxious black kids making hell of a ruckus in the tram. Oh and you can carry a rucksack with wires potruding out. It doesn't really matter here.

Despite all that shit, I see myself here. Or at the least i think i do. The asians are crawling and infesting this area. The caucasians are merely just tourists. Maybe its not to such an extent but the scenario is pretty much like that. It helps tremendously with the culture shock that i was anticipating.

Oh the weather's been great so far. But i think i'll be damning it very very soon.

The girlfriend and i and a whole 6 others will be driving down to Mornington tomorrow. Its a 3 day spa trip. Then proceed to Phillips island apparently to see the famous pint sized penguins. And word is that the temperature there is probably a few degrees lower than it is now. I could be typing this with 3 layers on now if i were on the balcony. Which means I'd probably need to go about in a sleeping bag there.

And we sleep with a heater here. Heaters everywhere. In the bathroom too. Just huge halogen lights emitting feasible amount of heat.

Other than that, i've been surviving on sushi rolls, and waffles a.nd plenty, plenty of chocolates. Chocolate mamak, because the only mamaks here are chocolate cafes. Which explains my cough and sore throat.

Ok. My fingers are stiffening soon. Have fun back home.

Jinny

Kaloodooleepoo

What can one say about Singapore? I think 4 days spent there could be sufficient to solidify the fact that its citizens are probably the most paranoid. Even the Iraqis do not stare at your luggage bag with such suspiscion.

But then again the Iraqis do not have a standby army patiently anticipating an attack from Malaysia. While us Malaysians are busy fretting over the ludicrous increase in everything prices.

I'm back for a one day break before i (hopefully) fly off to Australia tomorrow. Hopefully because i've not bloody applied for a visa yet. I'm putting my hopes on someone who's pulling the strings tomorrow to sort out the visa and its damn suspenseful.

Fucking suspenseful laa cibai.

Nothing else to write today. Because my saliva keeps tasting like last night's fried oyster.

Jinny

I fucking fucking need it

"Our real future lies in the dirt and soil we walk on."

I've reached that interval in time in which i NEED a fresh new start. Just a few more trips for what's past and moulding to ponder and prepare for a new life, lifestyle.

New routines, new balance, new turn, new confidence, new respect, new people.

Because my self-esteem is dwindling and i'm being eaten away.

I should be going to Singapore on either friday or saturday before i fly off to Melbourne with the girlfriend for a recuperation period. Just to do a little more thorough thinking and planning the next step. And when i get back, i'm leaving everything as it is and i'm moving on from this.

My next chapter is not about repairing bonds. Its about getting myself employed. Getting myself useful for the right reasons. Finding a new clique, because existing ones seldom seem to stand on their side of the scale.

Here's to finding myself.

Oh, by the way, if you need something that i could and might provide despite whatever shit, you ask me yourself.

Jinny

You used to get it in your fishnets

"That Bloody Mary's lacking her Tabasco."

Its quite fitting really. Today we have all seen the crowning of 2 champions from arguably 2 of the most powerful continents.

But red is the colour that captivates us most. Or rather just me with at least a few million others.

Glory glory Man United. Not Man Untied. And that David Cook of course. Although i still think he belongs more in the rockstar search programme.

But its crazy really how a primetime television competition manages to garner a world record 92 million votes. Its spastic. Crazy.

Its like 3 Malaysias voting for 2 men. Theres more than enough controversy already with one Malaysia voting for a few old men.

So, i'm sleep deprived once again. At least for today because i was 'part of the champions league final'. And i had biology 4 today, so i'm feeling like a hobo right now. I also feel like i'm really taking advantage of this '2 principal passes' thing for my tertiary education entry. Which i really need to reconsider my priorities right now.

Although, i'm feeling rather good about myself. The carb intake has decreased drastically in the past weeks due to the emergence of mr. muffin top. The self-conscious alleles taking full effect. While gym intensities are increasing. Because i'm embaressed to say, i weigh 84 kilogrammes, and i could always say its muscle mass and bone structure, and then i'm 1.70, and my BMI says i'm overweight, and i cant fit into nice pants anymore, and my belt buckles at the 2nd hole now, and i look like i'm able to feed the children of Darfur with my tummy alone so yeah.

Cholesterol? What cholesterol?

I'm as healthy as a horse.

Ignorance IS bliss. :)

Jinny

Speak, speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces

I miss myself here.

Myself without the figurative writing. That deep, confusing shit. Not this time. Its about time i lay some things about me on this table between us.

Without the facade i put on everyday, i'm short on morale. Its dwindling low despite the sometimes confident outlook i potray. I take the slightest of accomplishments and dwell majestically on it because i can boast of no other. Comes to show it has always been me. I've been stagnant on self-improvement.

I'm tired. Thats what it is. Tired of hoping for a better change. This person i'm talking about is practically an anti-social. I dont talk when i feel that i dont need to.

And i dont want to talk about my education right now.

To the thought of it, I haven't really said much apart from a few postloads of trash recently. Right up till this point is the longest i've written since i dont know.

Firstly, a happy anniversary to me and her.

And secondly, in relation to me and her, there was this shit on a scale so big it got my own family talking about it that i've not said shit yet.

I know its been centuries since but every single comprehensible word on xuerou's one post hasn't really escaped my mind. To be truthful, i still think about it every now and then. I remember myself breaking down, pleading for it to be removed. I'm amazed how much psychological effect such a post can bring, how much of an impression it imprints into you. A year on, and its still like a fresh wound, inflicted by a mere misunderstanding.

To classify it as an all-out personal attack would be harsh, because i'll be fair to say that it was written under the defense of another person which i have already resolved my differences with before it was being written. So this few sentences of me has no swipe or direction to anyone whatsoever, nor am i defending anyone or myself. I'm just coming out with how i still feel even though this has long slipped everyone's minds already.

Its hard. Living out life after someone has casted such an impression on me, her and us. Its not easy going about without knowing whether anyone has read whatever's been said about me, or us. Okay, lets just put this on me okay. Me alone. How i feel.

I'm disturbed. At times i'm paranoid. To the brink of being delirious thinking about why would someone do something like that to me. I pleaded, pleaded with all my heart to no avail. It has brought me the troubles and woes that the particular post was designed to bring. I dont know if anyone would ever feel the sense of achievement by this.

The achievement to maim and injure a person. Let alone a friend.

This one's for you, to make things clear, I'm under no obligation to not help you out when you need me, transport or whatsoever, but thats to the extent that i'll go. I dont mind at all but must you know i'm not someone whom you can count on anymore. And as someone who mattered, let me just say. Please dont do the same thing to the people who you have now, because as much as they take your whinings and demands, they've always cared for you. Nonetheless.

I sincerely hope this doesnt start a blog war under misunderstandings. My intentions are peaceful.

Me, without the fancy deep, confusing shit. Laying it all out on the table between all of us.

Here's to one year boo.

Jinny

This could change some views

"Poetry is nothing to those who dont shed a tear for it."

Its near now. This closing chapter to an old begining. This phase of bodily modifications we are subjected to make or break. Transcending us to a higher, purer level of intoxication. We want so bad to live but strive so hard to die. And when he, death, comes, it would serve us right.

And at times i realize, i'm so morbid. Morbid towards the natural occurences of life. No, its not suicidal, its not whine as you might suggest, it is what we all are.

As you look up into the skies, for divine intervention to a tragic end, it would only occur to you that we're no darker than dirt or finer than ash.

To a realist, this is the beauty of everything.

Impermanence.

Jinny

Bright black coloured pencils

"If you tell me, I listen. If you teach me, I understand. But if you involve me, I learn."

Saw this quote on a piano book somewhere. Thought i'd use it to kickstart april.

Jinny

God left for another planet a long time ago

Hello again grave world. I wish we could all live in harmony but our tranquility has mercilessly been disrupted by these tangling webs of lies amongst us.

No, your undying sympathy is not much needed around here. To hopefully look like the better, bigger person. To break that silence between what was said and what you fucked up. Its brutal in many ways but truth has to be told that the world, no, your seemingly perfect world has no place you and your ego of similiar mould and size.

I hope your masquerade dismisses you. A pathetic harlequin.

The environment shapeshifts us. We, as dopplegangers, are forced to put up with the standards of our society no matter what magnitude. This is the chapter of suicide for most, or another man's moment of pro-adolescent glory. And as we shift unknowingly, uncontrollably, losing ourselves to hypocrity and a stereotypical life, we eventually grow complacent towards why we live and love and then we die. Looking back at our meaningless lives.

I dont want to die, but I'm not keen on living either.

Jinny

Cometh the man, cometh the hour

Ah, the desolation of it all. This barren space that I have yet to beautify once more. With the tragic words patching the life stories up once again.

Just as I thought id've won, victory was just a mirage. This tug-o-war between those in authority and those in love. My victory only seemed to have been there, not anymore. Not anytime this soon, not anytime like now.

I'm just, not good enough. For them. But to them, its, for you.

Dont even get me started on college pressure. The deprivation of sleep. The pseudo-willingness is as poisoning to the mind. Dead-ends aplenty when I'm magically getting work done.

For those wondering, I'm fine. Apart from a few life-battle scars, I'm as good as before. Only more sceptical and hateful towards everyone else. But i'm good, letting go of the surplus to requirements pretty easily now, learning to release physical attachments is a long process, but crucial in the long run.

Sleep time is may I stress, very very very important.

Jinny

Give them gallons of the blood and it could never be enough

I dont want to be self-explainatory about any new year's resolutions. I have made some and i'm going to live by it.

I was thinking to myself during one shower, that the way you present your words does not signify your status in which other people have to climb echelons to be on your height.

Your style is just, different.

And with that, i hate college.

Jinny

I love how you have it all in me

Okay i'm back from hanoi. So this is when the short countdown begins.

Coming through 5 days in vietnam, i cant tell who's more of a fucking manwhore, a vietnamese taxi driver or a homegrown mat rempit? The resemblance is uncanny. But for once i've arrived back home thanking myself that i live here. I wish you could grow hydrophonic versions of those two in comparison so i can pluck them from their styrofoam bases and crush them into pulp.

Not that i have something BIG against any of them but a vietnamese cabbie once ripped me of 70 ringgit for a ride in less than a kilometre. Not very long ago. In fact, just yesterday. Although it would've been 90 or 20 american dollars without a quarrel. Thankfully, I'm NOT that gullible.

But hell, i'm back, and i can now climb and gym intensively for the next one week or so before judgement day. Which brings to my mind that christmas eve is in the next 15 minutes.

Exactly a year ago i'd have my biggest regret to date. I was at a barbeque, chucking fireworks into the night sky when my grandmother was gasping for breath, unknowing to us that it'll be her last. Maybe she wasn't gasping for air, she was peaceful as i was told, but point is i wasn't there. Everyone else was, but me. How ignorant of me to assume i'd have plenty more time to make up for my absence in her dying days.

And then the year has passed. As quickly as it cometh. Soon enough, we'll step across into another, leaving one more eventful year to rest. A year with loss and accomplishments, riddled with firsts and possibilities, and opportunities well taken, as well as abandoned.

But of course, loss is abundant. Perhaps, the most notables. Many relationships lost, as often as forged. Possesions come and go. But i'm contented that those in which i work for has stuck with me right up till this crossover.

Some things were shamelessly easy to let go. Actually most things, now that i've found myself more open to changes. I've had released many to lessen the burden, things that i've found of no benefit to my well-being, or to me at all. Things that i've felt that i'd be a slight bit happier if it weren't in my life. Sometimes, all you can do, is let go, leaving it all behind as we move one step ahead, taking it all in our strides. Learning from the past and applying it to the future, the oh-not-so-optimistic future.

I like how this year has treated me. Harsh, yes, but it doesn't mean i wasn't harsh either. But i've come to realise how fragile i can be, or everyone else in that matter. Or how headstrong and stubborn the human nature is. How the harshest things can be said but we take the hit to the chin as ignorance of another, the insecurities or the yet-to-develop-more mind. And we move along. In conjunction with the release of the all american rejects song, this year was practically all about moving along.

I've broken down, so many times. I've broken down in the right arms, i've broken down in the not-so-right arms. Machismo or buff or whatever floats your boat, i was broken, am still broken but have been glued in the right places. Sometimes the undefined actions of the people around you are the ones that plays with your mind most. The worse ones are those that seem obvious but are still undefined. But still, you move along, you try to fix it, but you move along.

As far as i'm concern, blame is not something that can be pushed about. And sometimes you find yourself taking more of the blame than you've done. People killing themselves for the pressure being put by a govermental education system. And the system cannot be changed although many know its flawed, because everyone follows the majority. Not everyone's an Akon. Not everyone can ask someone to "put the blame on me" or "i'll take that blame from you" without reasonable doubt.

Before this reverts into a melodramatic fit.

This is (about almost)what the year has brought me. Enlightenment in certain areas of my life. And there are those things or people that i'm more than happy to have as the year unfolds. My Lovely Bones as i would call it.

"A little hush please, the next episode is about to begin."

Jinny

Greetings from hanoi

The drivers here are quite high. They think they're in the land of 1000 virgins and can drive with their eyes closed. Its like they achieve multiple orgasms if they blare their horns. I'm serious.

And they NEVER drive according to lanes. One lane is NOT enough.

Dad loves this place, he has a natural affinity to a place like this considering he's working here from next year onwards. But I silently loathe everything here but halong bay.

Halong bay is the most beautiful place on earth.

Okay, enough for tonight. Oh, its one hour slower than the time back home here.

Damn i bloody miss you.

Jinny

The scope's in black and white now

"Cause I need you now."

This void, absence of you is like a crucification to my senses. My conscience. Staying home throughout the entire day today made me feel, and reluctantly embrace the vortex that you left behind. The time is playing games, i know. Its slowing more than usual, but like we've agreed, through tooth and nail, as much as i'm longing for your presence now, we'll get through this.

Like i promised time and time again, i'll be that person you'll only have to look for as you rush your way out of the gate.

We should be waltzing through hectic week ahead. You on a euro trip, and me to the communist vietnam. And by the time we're back on sunday, the short countdown commences.

Sounds awesomely good.

Nothing much to have a spitfire going about really. The week's filled with climbing, climbing, gym, and more climbing. Nuff said. However i must admit that my proportionally out-of-shape body is creeping towards a comeback trail. The skin's tightening and muscles inflamed, which could only be a positive indication.

Gaining the girlfriend's praises for a good week's workout.

As for the year's summary, i'll let other people speak for it. My own account in my words might ignite dying embers. Certainly enough (unnecessary)drama for an annual timespan. But next year isn't looking bleak at all. A few (overseas)holiday trips with thegirlfriend or herfamily included is already on the plans, we'll see how it goes about that.

Still struggling to get my brain in unison to write.

Jinny

Good tattoos ain't cheap, cheap tattoos ain't good

"And the hardest part of this, is leaving you."

I guess i'm doing fine. I cant really tell for sure but i think i'll be okay. Till you get home and into my already pumped-up arms.

Camp 5 and the gym are doing magical things to my body mass or some sort. The flabs are turning into abs i suppose, and my skin slowly feels too tight on me. Which could probably mean i'm on the right track to regaining the ultimate level of climbing and a magical figure.

Prior to this, i have successfully dispell the impression to others that i'm a growing glutton who does not potray visual evidence of getting heavy. Until now, when i lift my shirt above my abdomen, you'll see. Typing that just makes me feel like binge eating.

One thing i'm not on course to regaining is the spark to write. I feel bland and boring.

Haircut. I probably need a haircut.

The concert was wet. But awesome nonetheless. Gerard Way is one cheeky lad. Heh. Good concert with complimentary stiff neck and sore throat.

Gosh, i'm thinking so much. Not fun anymore now that i cant write.

Jinny

I'll be good, i promise

Fuck, it hurt.

Its an Ankh by the way.

Everything intensive starts today, that thegirlfriend is already on her way to abudhabi now and will probably be arriving arab land in the next hour or so. Very highly emotional moment for me.

26 days. I wish i didn't knew how to count.

I bloody fucking miss you already.

The birthday dinner. Steak hardly digestable, but jersey and everything else made up.

Christmas come early in Singapore.

Fuck, i love my new phone. ('s camera)

Like how i have fulfilled that notion, that i'll be there when MCR comes down. I got the cheapest seats though, free SEATing at a rock concert. Cut cost. Another gay-escapade with brad.

I wish i had high midi-chlorian counts now. Oh crap, i'm supposed to be sleeping.

Jinny

Dont trouble trouble till trouble troubles you

I swear one of you said you'd pay for a lok-lok truck to conveniently drop by at my place for my birthday.

Liars.

There's some reason why i've banned myself from making gratituous speechs and birthday posts online anymore. Because when you're happy with someone and nothing shitty crops up just yet, you say the nicest, most pleasant superlatives you can churn out about someone.

And when shit hits the fan, when you've had a fall out, when one of you starts being the bitch, you'll say its true that everything sweet said seems to have uncannily been banished from your conscience. Its like all the "thank you so much"s and "you've always been there for me"s have been relegated to a distant echo.

How superficial.

Dumb superficial me.

Please, dont take into account, all the nice things i say, i wont mean it once we're done and through. And thats the case now isn't it?

Sigh. We've always been thoroughly decieved through and through.

Catching up, dad's going to be an expatriot this february. But mum's too much of a workaholic to follow dad to the northern reaches of vietnam to become The Expatriot's Wife. And with dad going away, i will need an atm card on top of my supplementary card. Thank you.

Thegirlfriend's Expatriot Family is home for about the month, and i'm currently applying for "watch and learn" cooking sessions with the mum. As for thegirlfriend, who had her face incised(?) by a surgeon today, you look good with the uglybandage. Although i would've changed my views if i saw the pus actually oozing out. Heh. :p

Currently having a dilemma over which manchester united player's name to be ironed onto my jersey. Ronaldo's name would cost a nice 80 ringgit. Nani's more expensive because his player number has 2 digits. Ferdinand or Carrick, however, would render me penniless. Evra's cheap, but he's rubbish.

Good. Physics 2 in 2 days and i'm in an internal conflict.

Jinny

An icicle is the perfect murder weapon

I have deeply sinned by providing only two(this included), brief, miserable, and uninspiring updates in the whole month of october.

As compensation, i'll help announce to all couch potato rock fans who are too occupied to read the papers out there that my chemical romance is in concert here on the holy 9th of december.

And i like how my friends instantaneously co-relate me and the band.

For now, i will relieve you of my words because i am abso-fucking-lutely uninspired. On an unrelated note, an anti-swearing bet from thegirlfriend managed to last a harrowing 2 days.

Talk about being a foulmouth. I know, i surprise myself too sometimes.

Plus, i noticed how my abdomen looks like waterpark tubes stacked up when i'm sitting and leaning forward. I have come to accept my bodily transformations and i will admit that it looks more revolting than my burps and farts, although they're not in the same genre(?).

I see a non-existant diet dancing, taunting me like a mirage.

I'm hitting the gym and extensive climbing sessions when thegirlfriend goes off to abudhanbuibfsjk.

Okay, see you!

Jinny