God left for another planet a long time ago

Hello again grave world. I wish we could all live in harmony but our tranquility has mercilessly been disrupted by these tangling webs of lies amongst us.

No, your undying sympathy is not much needed around here. To hopefully look like the better, bigger person. To break that silence between what was said and what you fucked up. Its brutal in many ways but truth has to be told that the world, no, your seemingly perfect world has no place you and your ego of similiar mould and size.

I hope your masquerade dismisses you. A pathetic harlequin.

The environment shapeshifts us. We, as dopplegangers, are forced to put up with the standards of our society no matter what magnitude. This is the chapter of suicide for most, or another man's moment of pro-adolescent glory. And as we shift unknowingly, uncontrollably, losing ourselves to hypocrity and a stereotypical life, we eventually grow complacent towards why we live and love and then we die. Looking back at our meaningless lives.

I dont want to die, but I'm not keen on living either.

Jinny

Cometh the man, cometh the hour

Ah, the desolation of it all. This barren space that I have yet to beautify once more. With the tragic words patching the life stories up once again.

Just as I thought id've won, victory was just a mirage. This tug-o-war between those in authority and those in love. My victory only seemed to have been there, not anymore. Not anytime this soon, not anytime like now.

I'm just, not good enough. For them. But to them, its, for you.

Dont even get me started on college pressure. The deprivation of sleep. The pseudo-willingness is as poisoning to the mind. Dead-ends aplenty when I'm magically getting work done.

For those wondering, I'm fine. Apart from a few life-battle scars, I'm as good as before. Only more sceptical and hateful towards everyone else. But i'm good, letting go of the surplus to requirements pretty easily now, learning to release physical attachments is a long process, but crucial in the long run.

Sleep time is may I stress, very very very important.

Jinny

Give them gallons of the blood and it could never be enough

I dont want to be self-explainatory about any new year's resolutions. I have made some and i'm going to live by it.

I was thinking to myself during one shower, that the way you present your words does not signify your status in which other people have to climb echelons to be on your height.

Your style is just, different.

And with that, i hate college.

Jinny

I love how you have it all in me

Okay i'm back from hanoi. So this is when the short countdown begins.

Coming through 5 days in vietnam, i cant tell who's more of a fucking manwhore, a vietnamese taxi driver or a homegrown mat rempit? The resemblance is uncanny. But for once i've arrived back home thanking myself that i live here. I wish you could grow hydrophonic versions of those two in comparison so i can pluck them from their styrofoam bases and crush them into pulp.

Not that i have something BIG against any of them but a vietnamese cabbie once ripped me of 70 ringgit for a ride in less than a kilometre. Not very long ago. In fact, just yesterday. Although it would've been 90 or 20 american dollars without a quarrel. Thankfully, I'm NOT that gullible.

But hell, i'm back, and i can now climb and gym intensively for the next one week or so before judgement day. Which brings to my mind that christmas eve is in the next 15 minutes.

Exactly a year ago i'd have my biggest regret to date. I was at a barbeque, chucking fireworks into the night sky when my grandmother was gasping for breath, unknowing to us that it'll be her last. Maybe she wasn't gasping for air, she was peaceful as i was told, but point is i wasn't there. Everyone else was, but me. How ignorant of me to assume i'd have plenty more time to make up for my absence in her dying days.

And then the year has passed. As quickly as it cometh. Soon enough, we'll step across into another, leaving one more eventful year to rest. A year with loss and accomplishments, riddled with firsts and possibilities, and opportunities well taken, as well as abandoned.

But of course, loss is abundant. Perhaps, the most notables. Many relationships lost, as often as forged. Possesions come and go. But i'm contented that those in which i work for has stuck with me right up till this crossover.

Some things were shamelessly easy to let go. Actually most things, now that i've found myself more open to changes. I've had released many to lessen the burden, things that i've found of no benefit to my well-being, or to me at all. Things that i've felt that i'd be a slight bit happier if it weren't in my life. Sometimes, all you can do, is let go, leaving it all behind as we move one step ahead, taking it all in our strides. Learning from the past and applying it to the future, the oh-not-so-optimistic future.

I like how this year has treated me. Harsh, yes, but it doesn't mean i wasn't harsh either. But i've come to realise how fragile i can be, or everyone else in that matter. Or how headstrong and stubborn the human nature is. How the harshest things can be said but we take the hit to the chin as ignorance of another, the insecurities or the yet-to-develop-more mind. And we move along. In conjunction with the release of the all american rejects song, this year was practically all about moving along.

I've broken down, so many times. I've broken down in the right arms, i've broken down in the not-so-right arms. Machismo or buff or whatever floats your boat, i was broken, am still broken but have been glued in the right places. Sometimes the undefined actions of the people around you are the ones that plays with your mind most. The worse ones are those that seem obvious but are still undefined. But still, you move along, you try to fix it, but you move along.

As far as i'm concern, blame is not something that can be pushed about. And sometimes you find yourself taking more of the blame than you've done. People killing themselves for the pressure being put by a govermental education system. And the system cannot be changed although many know its flawed, because everyone follows the majority. Not everyone's an Akon. Not everyone can ask someone to "put the blame on me" or "i'll take that blame from you" without reasonable doubt.

Before this reverts into a melodramatic fit.

This is (about almost)what the year has brought me. Enlightenment in certain areas of my life. And there are those things or people that i'm more than happy to have as the year unfolds. My Lovely Bones as i would call it.

"A little hush please, the next episode is about to begin."

Jinny

Greetings from hanoi

The drivers here are quite high. They think they're in the land of 1000 virgins and can drive with their eyes closed. Its like they achieve multiple orgasms if they blare their horns. I'm serious.

And they NEVER drive according to lanes. One lane is NOT enough.

Dad loves this place, he has a natural affinity to a place like this considering he's working here from next year onwards. But I silently loathe everything here but halong bay.

Halong bay is the most beautiful place on earth.

Okay, enough for tonight. Oh, its one hour slower than the time back home here.

Damn i bloody miss you.

Jinny

The scope's in black and white now

"Cause I need you now."

This void, absence of you is like a crucification to my senses. My conscience. Staying home throughout the entire day today made me feel, and reluctantly embrace the vortex that you left behind. The time is playing games, i know. Its slowing more than usual, but like we've agreed, through tooth and nail, as much as i'm longing for your presence now, we'll get through this.

Like i promised time and time again, i'll be that person you'll only have to look for as you rush your way out of the gate.

We should be waltzing through hectic week ahead. You on a euro trip, and me to the communist vietnam. And by the time we're back on sunday, the short countdown commences.

Sounds awesomely good.

Nothing much to have a spitfire going about really. The week's filled with climbing, climbing, gym, and more climbing. Nuff said. However i must admit that my proportionally out-of-shape body is creeping towards a comeback trail. The skin's tightening and muscles inflamed, which could only be a positive indication.

Gaining the girlfriend's praises for a good week's workout.

As for the year's summary, i'll let other people speak for it. My own account in my words might ignite dying embers. Certainly enough (unnecessary)drama for an annual timespan. But next year isn't looking bleak at all. A few (overseas)holiday trips with thegirlfriend or herfamily included is already on the plans, we'll see how it goes about that.

Still struggling to get my brain in unison to write.

Jinny

Good tattoos ain't cheap, cheap tattoos ain't good

"And the hardest part of this, is leaving you."

I guess i'm doing fine. I cant really tell for sure but i think i'll be okay. Till you get home and into my already pumped-up arms.

Camp 5 and the gym are doing magical things to my body mass or some sort. The flabs are turning into abs i suppose, and my skin slowly feels too tight on me. Which could probably mean i'm on the right track to regaining the ultimate level of climbing and a magical figure.

Prior to this, i have successfully dispell the impression to others that i'm a growing glutton who does not potray visual evidence of getting heavy. Until now, when i lift my shirt above my abdomen, you'll see. Typing that just makes me feel like binge eating.

One thing i'm not on course to regaining is the spark to write. I feel bland and boring.

Haircut. I probably need a haircut.

The concert was wet. But awesome nonetheless. Gerard Way is one cheeky lad. Heh. Good concert with complimentary stiff neck and sore throat.

Gosh, i'm thinking so much. Not fun anymore now that i cant write.

Jinny

I'll be good, i promise

Fuck, it hurt.

Its an Ankh by the way.

Everything intensive starts today, that thegirlfriend is already on her way to abudhabi now and will probably be arriving arab land in the next hour or so. Very highly emotional moment for me.

26 days. I wish i didn't knew how to count.

I bloody fucking miss you already.

The birthday dinner. Steak hardly digestable, but jersey and everything else made up.

Christmas come early in Singapore.

Fuck, i love my new phone. ('s camera)

Like how i have fulfilled that notion, that i'll be there when MCR comes down. I got the cheapest seats though, free SEATing at a rock concert. Cut cost. Another gay-escapade with brad.

I wish i had high midi-chlorian counts now. Oh crap, i'm supposed to be sleeping.

Jinny

Dont trouble trouble till trouble troubles you

I swear one of you said you'd pay for a lok-lok truck to conveniently drop by at my place for my birthday.

Liars.

There's some reason why i've banned myself from making gratituous speechs and birthday posts online anymore. Because when you're happy with someone and nothing shitty crops up just yet, you say the nicest, most pleasant superlatives you can churn out about someone.

And when shit hits the fan, when you've had a fall out, when one of you starts being the bitch, you'll say its true that everything sweet said seems to have uncannily been banished from your conscience. Its like all the "thank you so much"s and "you've always been there for me"s have been relegated to a distant echo.

How superficial.

Dumb superficial me.

Please, dont take into account, all the nice things i say, i wont mean it once we're done and through. And thats the case now isn't it?

Sigh. We've always been thoroughly decieved through and through.

Catching up, dad's going to be an expatriot this february. But mum's too much of a workaholic to follow dad to the northern reaches of vietnam to become The Expatriot's Wife. And with dad going away, i will need an atm card on top of my supplementary card. Thank you.

Thegirlfriend's Expatriot Family is home for about the month, and i'm currently applying for "watch and learn" cooking sessions with the mum. As for thegirlfriend, who had her face incised(?) by a surgeon today, you look good with the uglybandage. Although i would've changed my views if i saw the pus actually oozing out. Heh. :p

Currently having a dilemma over which manchester united player's name to be ironed onto my jersey. Ronaldo's name would cost a nice 80 ringgit. Nani's more expensive because his player number has 2 digits. Ferdinand or Carrick, however, would render me penniless. Evra's cheap, but he's rubbish.

Good. Physics 2 in 2 days and i'm in an internal conflict.

Jinny

An icicle is the perfect murder weapon

I have deeply sinned by providing only two(this included), brief, miserable, and uninspiring updates in the whole month of october.

As compensation, i'll help announce to all couch potato rock fans who are too occupied to read the papers out there that my chemical romance is in concert here on the holy 9th of december.

And i like how my friends instantaneously co-relate me and the band.

For now, i will relieve you of my words because i am abso-fucking-lutely uninspired. On an unrelated note, an anti-swearing bet from thegirlfriend managed to last a harrowing 2 days.

Talk about being a foulmouth. I know, i surprise myself too sometimes.

Plus, i noticed how my abdomen looks like waterpark tubes stacked up when i'm sitting and leaning forward. I have come to accept my bodily transformations and i will admit that it looks more revolting than my burps and farts, although they're not in the same genre(?).

I see a non-existant diet dancing, taunting me like a mirage.

I'm hitting the gym and extensive climbing sessions when thegirlfriend goes off to abudhanbuibfsjk.

Okay, see you!

Jinny

We must all head down in the direction of our fear

Hi, its me again.

I have no particularly good reason to explain why i've not produced anything lately. Just like how Darren Hayes has disappeared from the face of the earth without prior notice.

The build-up to yesterday's blast-off was probably just unnecessary hype. But to see a Malaysian-made hand trying to reel a floating pen back into his grasp at the bottom of the television screen, has convincingly warmed me with proudness and awe.

I want to float off into the vast echelons of space if i could. Like how all(most) Malaysians feel now.

Outer space can wait. The A-levels finals is one more biting at my ass. Am resorting to being a study junkie, but not producing desirable work rate. When shit hits the fan, so will I.

Jinny

You've brought me square propellers

The previous post has been expunged by request.

Many things, nasty or nice has been blabbered over the last couple of days. Mainly due to the fog of ignorance. Leading to many assumptions being made.

I have, made a couple of lousy remarks indirectly to alot of people courtesy of my posts. However, it would be a little too 'covenient' to retract what's been said. But now that the air's been more or less cleared, i'm undoubtly contented by the clear picture everyone else has painted.

I now know i'm not of your liking. I respect that, and I dont hold anything against you for that. I can at least take credit for the fact that i made you laugh.

And for some who've made hurtful false statements/personal attacks. Its best you stick to your side of the bed now.

Because words, harsh words, seep into the bones.

Jinny

Sleep well, i'm not dead

This could be considered as a blogging comeback at the most miniscule level. I guess its about time when my conscience jabs me in the ass to provide an update for my already diminishing number of readers.

So during the hiatus. The trials have come and go. What was sown has yet to be reaped, the prospects of it isn't exactly bleak, but certainly hardly aglimmer. If such a word has ever been established.

I choose not to be in despair over what's coming. But apparently my lack of self-confidence and drive isn't hitting the right notes with thegirlfriend. Claims it as my worst intolerable habit to date. Wonderfully surpassing my knack to belch and fart.

I'm on a two week study break now. But the study in this break so far seems very non-apparent. In conjuction with visit "shithole of a place on earth"malaysia 2007, i've been spending time in the national science center playing mindball and crooning over the size of garoupas in aquaria klcc in the past week(or month) that i was supposedly MIA.

One of the more satisfying maraudings was the trip to the hometown of m'cca with thegirlfriend. I like m'cca. Its not just because i grew up playing power rangers or conveniently had most of my bodily scars printed on me there. I like it because i can eat my seehams at an affordable 50 cents a stick as per compared to 80-100 cents here. I like it that my first cousin is an ahlong who has 3 wives and WAS on the run, and i could laugh and joke about him because he doesn't understand english. Where else could be politically correct for someone like him to reside other than in glorious hometown of mine.

And i particularly love my aunty's antique shop near stadhuys. Because its a corner lot, near the bridge, and i know i'll get freebies everytime i'm there. Just ask thegirlfriend.

And i shall abruptly stop writing here. Because i ran out of things.

Thank god i still have brad as my only indicator that i'm still alive at least to someone out in the wilderness.

Jinny

My heart's only big enough for two of us

Many times I've always thought of myself to be a rather strong one. Tough cookie with a hollow center. Capable and competent to withstand and contain pressure like a cooker. Able to dust aside the world, the harsh, harsh world. To fall into damnation time and time again and to stand up and to sweep the dirt off my shoulders. Feeble, but otherwise optimistic, charismatic still.

All until i found myself broken down, shut out from any personal consciousness, just lay my head there, on your shoulders, flooding my jumper you were donning, with the tears forced out by overwhelming pressure and emotion. My ego was non-existant, my hands were numb.

"I'm here, baby, it's going to be okay, I promise."

And i found myself sobbing, almost bawling. Eyes swollen from the sudden threshold, nose runny and watering. I was something you'd call a dried prune.

"It's really not that bad."

Which aptly assures me that i will not be disowned soon.

Still, the sub-reasons for breakdown still poses questions in my head. It was more of a thousand different fucked-ups mashed up in a jumble of panties. Leaving me dazed, ostracized intially.

I dont understand why some of us would never be happy for someone else's newfound glory, our own friend's. Its somewhat incomprehensible. And by feeling happy, it does not mean to leave and let be. I've not been connected much with the world that once revolved around me, i admit to that. But i have never felt the same comfort and significance previously as i do now, with my life, to begin with.

Which explains to why i'm slowly disassociating. I'm just another grain of sand to many of you, and you give me ultimate pleasure to clarify that on my own realisation. I dont ultimately believe in the friend crap, i believe in companions. People who are ready(or rather willing) to accept your drastic changes, and still be there to support your ass one way or another.

So i hear bullshit about some not taking any changes positively, or defaming one another just because someone's not subjected anymore to his/her stereotypical self. This sort of behavious is absolute immature and incompetently foolish. Just because you're eternally condemned to being depressed and pissed, and lived out your adolescent days that way does not mean everyone around you(or was around you) is subjected to being in equilibrium to whatever you're feeling. Some people change for the benefit of a healthier lifestyle and much personal satisaction, rather than popping pills and playing the old suicide games anymore. So why cant you be a tad bit more contented for your (supposed) friend? I may be merely just saying my mind without knowing you well at all, but judging from what i see from you, its utter nonsense.

Correct me if i may have just assumed how you are to be.

Many a times now i feel left out, even if dont make the attendance for an event, it never fails to feel heart-warming upon recieving an invitation or to be let in to stuff. But i'm not complaining, i'm just saying. Its a petty price to pay for veering away from the usual group.

So put the blame/scrutiny on me only because i have a someone.

I dont know what inspired me to say what i just did. Must be the frustration.

Its late, go to sleep. Fucksss.

Jinny

Cause wherever you go, well thats where i'll go

I'll make it a point to follow dad to the himalayas in india for pilgrimage when given the opportunity to.

This is me, attempting to be a little more spiritual.

And maybe to be contented with my material possesions by throwing myself into nether regions where televisions are a novelty.

I've got study plans almost everyday now, because late august brings about the AS trials examinations. I'm trying my level best to not subject myself to another bout of last-minute scavenging through notes because it never really materialises.

But i hate studying. I hate doing extra revision. I do it for the sake of shielding myself from public embarressment during the latter years. Its always worth doing more when you like it. Apart from the days i'm motivated(hardly) and feeling all comfy and woozy to work on some knowledge-enrichment attempts, studying makes me delirious, and narcoleptic.

But i have the quantum stone blazing around my neck now. It (supposedly) makes me tad bit more enegetic. Its supposed to keep me sturdy when standing on one leg in some yoga pose, and not topple over when i'm being rammed or headbutted. Baby calls it the 400 dollar dogtag. I call it a "400 dollars that should've gone to my shoes/slippers/jeans/abudhabitripfund". The stupid stone only brought bout after bout of ultimate stomach discomfort and plenty of expelled wind. Not very glamorous.

Apparently you can place it under a water bottle and "charge" the water to have the same effect to the drinker as it is to the "bearer of the stone". For now i'll continue dangling it from my neck and still be waiting for the herculean effect this stone brings.

Even more desperately now when i feel like a bottle of japanese mayo when it comes to studying.

And due to the successful debut outing of Bradjinn in the Taylors University College Tiring Run Around KL And Have To Bloody Restart When We're In The Lead Because The Organizers Screwed Up And Its So Unfair Merdeka Amazing Hunt, we're gonna feature in another treasure hunt this coming sunday at gasing hill organized by our most favourite shop in ss2 with one of the most wonderful staff(CJ) ever in the working world, Corezone. Which would make us Corefriends to the shop. And hopefully garner a little more than 30 ringgit that was won in the Taylors University College......... Hunt(which i'm still yet to recieve), so i can gleefully contribute into my Abu Dhabi Holiday Trip Fund. And pay brad what i owe him for bloody rope.

I may not know what's the hour at your place, but its 1.36am here in ss2. And it means its awfully late for someone as sleep-deprived as me to be blogging and listening to 30 seconds to mars at the same time. The only reason i'm staying up is because i'm still deciding on whether to do substantial amount of work although the answer's pretty fucking obvious. And England versus Germany in about an hour. Its been a century since i've managed to stay up for a football match.

Now before i doze off on my laptop and fry my sperms, and have baby accuse me of sleeping on her again, i'm going to abuse my microwave once more and make myself a shrimp sandwich. And get the ball rolling.

Probably update in several decades considering i'm very busy contemplating on whether to study nowadays.

:)

Jinny

You sound better when you shut up

I have no idea about your take on consideration. But it has subsequently brought me to a boil. While you're snuggling comfortably into your comforters and indulging away in bed linen while in united embrace with your pillows, and i'm here, right where i am, running to and fro just to get a clip from a thousand others moving and working. Shunning away my screaming, heavy and awfully tired eyelids right up till where your alarm clock starts preparing itself for your stubby fingers to jam away at the snooze button. For what?

To save your motherfucking asses. From possible embarressment i would dare say. While you and your soddy bunch gallantly tread and work your way through the crawlspace under tables. Oblivious to everything else.

I think to the very least. A meagre unsincere thank you to the both of us would've been more than could be asked for.

But knowing you and the rest. Enough is said.

Jinny

You, me, and my medication, our love is like a chemical reaction

"Baby, excuse me while i melt."

It could be the definite amounts of radiation of the electronics i'm revolving myself around. But this excruciating pain that's seemingly poking into my eyeballs will eventually disperse. So i hope.

The college days dont seem to match up to the weekends now. Its about a habit to immerse myself in one particular plan for the weekend and make it an appointment to most look forward to. To most anticipate. I wake up on the only side of my bed to a day closer to whatever's been laid out on the planning board.
And thats how time ceases monotonously throughout the week. Longing for the weekend with its mast seemingly rising in sight simultaneously as i scrape through a taylors day after another.

I honestly have yet to let the handbrake down fully on my studies. Still, prospectively, yet to take flight. The consistent rhythm.

The final rant would be on the quantum-science purified water that's condemning me into some stomach-clutching frenzy. Bloody energized water supposedly to remove toxins/negative chi and conveniently christen its drinker to eternal stomach discomfort. And when you're busy shoving pillows into your own abdomen, you are required to drink some more to "get used to it". And then your kidney generates heat and your bladder pops like a sweet golden popcorn.

Its a more subtle way to have the impression you're drinking from the klang river.

Everything here feels so metaphorical today.

And now my stomach's working up a storm again. Fuck.

Jinny

Choice is always with us

Apparently, brad has a clearer description and documentation of the climbing trip with top notch video editings.

Click brad's link on my links list please.

Jinny

Baby, those crushing forearms are all yours

"Here we are, this is bouldering haven."

Finally, finally, climbed outdoors. In ipoh, lost world of tambun to be exact. The land with abundance of limestone caverns and towering walls of solid sharp jagged rock.

Drove down early saturday before dawn as to maximise climbing time. The foursome. Me, brad, chikhan and jordan. Joined by noel, and the 2 austrians marianne and johannes. Them in their bangvan, we in suzy.

Proceeded to be slightly high on (suspectedly)magic mushrooms somewhere between slim river and kampar. Because chikhan apparently stuck his ass out of the rear window everytime he had the urge to fart. Attempted to fart outside with the travelling wind but instead the stench will somehow leech back into the car.

There's a place in ipoh called simee, which reminds me of the portugese football player simao.

Okay random. The dimsum there's pricey as well.

So then we had many pictures taken. Plenty of topless ones.

Testing the aerodynamics of jordan's new la sportiva katanas.

Educating marianne and johannes about siewmais, cheecheongfuns and hakaus.


Raring to climb.

The lost world of tambun. Magnificent landscape.*Ran out of captions*

The Climbing Foursome

Us in bouldering action.

Okay so i jammed the stupid picture loader. I seemed to have hit the picture-uploading brickwall again.

I'll have more pictures up when i feel like it.

After all the climbing, jordan, chikhan and i were to slide about the water park like bloody pre-adolescent kids while the rest retired back to their shabby, sleazy deluxe hotel room.

They proceeded to lead-climb the next day which left us battered hope of learning how to lead. The 3 of us set for home sweet home on the day we arrived instead and after chikhan managed to tear up his pants on the water slide. I think they both got their balls hard-boiled in the hot springs as well.

So much for another climbing post.

Jinny

Baby, you like random and i'm good at random

"I feel like i'll pop someone in the head."

My last post failed to garner a constructive critism from that anonymous friend of mine. It was a reminder instead. A harsh one. To open my eyes and observe my own flaws and impurities before taking the further step.

Then again, there'll be some others who just love to hate. I dont know. I'm incapable of being the verdict as to whether the comment was more of a subtle personal attack or genuine word of advice. Choice of words can reflect many opinions.

But then again, I don't realise where i've gone wrong if nothing's being said.

Oh wells.

This is usually the part where i start pondering about the future, my future. How insecure and uncharted it seems. How i might be squandering chances into universities and having a hellish life at the end of the day. With a future next to none, i'd die depressed, delirious, possibly before i hit my mid-life crisis.

I'm slowly rectifying my problems, fixing myself and going back to organizing my own life, having things planned out for myself although i'm somewhat an illiterate in laying out plans. Not at my desired pace, and definately not at a pace to grant myself a peaceful, successful future. But i try, am trying.

Sometimes i'd like to think of myself as a late-bloomer.

Right now i'm stalled at my physics notes. Time to flick on the hazard lights and roam back on track. Only after i get my sleep.

Gosh, I hate myself for procrastinating.

Jinny