I'm with you dear, i'm with you

I really miss your hair in my face, and the way your innocence taste. I think you should know this, you deserve much better than me.

I know how much i'm letting go this time. I'm making a decision based on my self-importance on the expense of letting someone who loves me so damn much go. I'm telling myself i'm not letting you go just yet, no, i'm not ready to leave behind all that we've done, all that we've experienced as a one, all that you've done for me and everything i've done for you, all our sleepless nights and our meagre quarrels. I just dont see us working out at this point.

Arguments, to us, become chores. I know all i did was to blame every argument on your stubborness and mood swings, but its just me and my fucking ego. I never take the blame, and even if i know i have to, i'll be reluctant. This is just unfair. Its unfair for you.

You will not take this in, you will not trust me, you will not listen nor believe what you read. After what took place last night. It was selfish of me, to make such a decision based on my own importance. But it just cant go on at this while. Because i dont feel for you anymore as much as you feel for me. But i will try my dear, i promise you i would, try to search for that feeling again, try to make things right again, make it like before.

I know i'd never find someone like you anywhere out there in the goddamn world. Someone like you who've loved, love, and will love me as long as i'm alive. I can see it in you, i can see that love and care. And i know i'm not treating you right, which is hurting me twice as much as i'm hurting you. I'm not treating the girl who loves me so much right. How would i treat any other person in my life right? When i cant fucking treat my loved one right?!

I'm holding back tears now. I cant cry, daddy's in my room. You know how much i want my own privacy in my room but that would make dad shift his work station out. I'll save my tears for tonight, when i'm on my bed, just staring into the night lamp, just let the tears roll. Soon i'll be dehydrated after all the crying last night, this afternoon, tonight. It just hurts so much just to hear you on the phone crying, telling me how much pain you feel, and how much you want all these pain to go away. I want to make it go away for you dear. I want to but i have the tendency to make situations worse.

I blame myself for making that decision, even though i know my feelings are beyond my control and they have faded somehow throughout the course of our constant arguments. I took a time out to regain that feeling. I did. Honestly i did, but after it all, it was back to square one. I hope you understand, i really want that feeling again, i really want to feel that same love i had for you for the past one memorable year, but its just beyond my control, only time can tell dear. But its only acceptable to me that i blame myself for all these even though its something i have no control over.

How much you want to run away from me now, i understand. But just believe me when i say i'll always always be there for you. Please my dear. Please believe me on that. I WANT to be there when you cry, i want you to lean on my shoulders while i put my arms around you and whisper "its okay, i'm here". I want you to look me in the eye and yell at me and curse at me as i take your beatings. I want to feel all your pain on top of my pain, i want you to give me all that pain you're feeling. I want so bad. I've said before that even though i say all these and yet you still cry alone and hurt so much, if i get every chance to be right beside you and hold your hand i will. You can curse me, you can stab me, you can push me away, but i'll hold your hand. More than anything else i'll hold those beautiful soft hands of yours.

I cant stop crying now dear. Daddy's here i know, but i just cant stop. I just want you to believe me. Thats all i need from you. Just believe me when i say i'll be taking this time to search for those lost feelings. Believe me when i say i love you because i really do. I really really fucking do. Dont shoot back at me dear. I dont need any explanations or reminders of what i've done to hurt you. I know i fucked up. I apologize but its of no use, whats the point of apologizing without making an effort to do anything right? But if sorry's can cure your pain, i'd say sorry so many times.

People will come to me and say now i've lost a great girlfriend, a really caring person, a beautiful young woman. As much as i would say i've not lost you yet, i'd have to agree that somehow, in a way, i have lost you. And i hate myself for it.

Emelia. This is as much as i'll say for now. So you know about what's going on in my mind. And that you're not the only one hurting. If i'd get to be there in your room right now, with your curtains closed and the lights out, just lie with you on your small single bed, just place my hands on your cheeks, look you in the eye and tell you all that i wanna say. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I'm sorry you have to be alone throughout this whole time.

I love you Emelia. You know that deep down inside of you even when you doubt it. And i've never had a doubt that you love me as much and more. In every way possible, you'll always always have me.

It feels like i'm losing my grandmother all over again.

Jinny