You've brought me square propellers

The previous post has been expunged by request.

Many things, nasty or nice has been blabbered over the last couple of days. Mainly due to the fog of ignorance. Leading to many assumptions being made.

I have, made a couple of lousy remarks indirectly to alot of people courtesy of my posts. However, it would be a little too 'covenient' to retract what's been said. But now that the air's been more or less cleared, i'm undoubtly contented by the clear picture everyone else has painted.

I now know i'm not of your liking. I respect that, and I dont hold anything against you for that. I can at least take credit for the fact that i made you laugh.

And for some who've made hurtful false statements/personal attacks. Its best you stick to your side of the bed now.

Because words, harsh words, seep into the bones.

Jinny

Sleep well, i'm not dead

This could be considered as a blogging comeback at the most miniscule level. I guess its about time when my conscience jabs me in the ass to provide an update for my already diminishing number of readers.

So during the hiatus. The trials have come and go. What was sown has yet to be reaped, the prospects of it isn't exactly bleak, but certainly hardly aglimmer. If such a word has ever been established.

I choose not to be in despair over what's coming. But apparently my lack of self-confidence and drive isn't hitting the right notes with thegirlfriend. Claims it as my worst intolerable habit to date. Wonderfully surpassing my knack to belch and fart.

I'm on a two week study break now. But the study in this break so far seems very non-apparent. In conjuction with visit "shithole of a place on earth"malaysia 2007, i've been spending time in the national science center playing mindball and crooning over the size of garoupas in aquaria klcc in the past week(or month) that i was supposedly MIA.

One of the more satisfying maraudings was the trip to the hometown of m'cca with thegirlfriend. I like m'cca. Its not just because i grew up playing power rangers or conveniently had most of my bodily scars printed on me there. I like it because i can eat my seehams at an affordable 50 cents a stick as per compared to 80-100 cents here. I like it that my first cousin is an ahlong who has 3 wives and WAS on the run, and i could laugh and joke about him because he doesn't understand english. Where else could be politically correct for someone like him to reside other than in glorious hometown of mine.

And i particularly love my aunty's antique shop near stadhuys. Because its a corner lot, near the bridge, and i know i'll get freebies everytime i'm there. Just ask thegirlfriend.

And i shall abruptly stop writing here. Because i ran out of things.

Thank god i still have brad as my only indicator that i'm still alive at least to someone out in the wilderness.

Jinny

My heart's only big enough for two of us

Many times I've always thought of myself to be a rather strong one. Tough cookie with a hollow center. Capable and competent to withstand and contain pressure like a cooker. Able to dust aside the world, the harsh, harsh world. To fall into damnation time and time again and to stand up and to sweep the dirt off my shoulders. Feeble, but otherwise optimistic, charismatic still.

All until i found myself broken down, shut out from any personal consciousness, just lay my head there, on your shoulders, flooding my jumper you were donning, with the tears forced out by overwhelming pressure and emotion. My ego was non-existant, my hands were numb.

"I'm here, baby, it's going to be okay, I promise."

And i found myself sobbing, almost bawling. Eyes swollen from the sudden threshold, nose runny and watering. I was something you'd call a dried prune.

"It's really not that bad."

Which aptly assures me that i will not be disowned soon.

Still, the sub-reasons for breakdown still poses questions in my head. It was more of a thousand different fucked-ups mashed up in a jumble of panties. Leaving me dazed, ostracized intially.

I dont understand why some of us would never be happy for someone else's newfound glory, our own friend's. Its somewhat incomprehensible. And by feeling happy, it does not mean to leave and let be. I've not been connected much with the world that once revolved around me, i admit to that. But i have never felt the same comfort and significance previously as i do now, with my life, to begin with.

Which explains to why i'm slowly disassociating. I'm just another grain of sand to many of you, and you give me ultimate pleasure to clarify that on my own realisation. I dont ultimately believe in the friend crap, i believe in companions. People who are ready(or rather willing) to accept your drastic changes, and still be there to support your ass one way or another.

So i hear bullshit about some not taking any changes positively, or defaming one another just because someone's not subjected anymore to his/her stereotypical self. This sort of behavious is absolute immature and incompetently foolish. Just because you're eternally condemned to being depressed and pissed, and lived out your adolescent days that way does not mean everyone around you(or was around you) is subjected to being in equilibrium to whatever you're feeling. Some people change for the benefit of a healthier lifestyle and much personal satisaction, rather than popping pills and playing the old suicide games anymore. So why cant you be a tad bit more contented for your (supposed) friend? I may be merely just saying my mind without knowing you well at all, but judging from what i see from you, its utter nonsense.

Correct me if i may have just assumed how you are to be.

Many a times now i feel left out, even if dont make the attendance for an event, it never fails to feel heart-warming upon recieving an invitation or to be let in to stuff. But i'm not complaining, i'm just saying. Its a petty price to pay for veering away from the usual group.

So put the blame/scrutiny on me only because i have a someone.

I dont know what inspired me to say what i just did. Must be the frustration.

Its late, go to sleep. Fucksss.

Jinny