Speak, speak now or forever hold your peace in pieces

I miss myself here.

Myself without the figurative writing. That deep, confusing shit. Not this time. Its about time i lay some things about me on this table between us.

Without the facade i put on everyday, i'm short on morale. Its dwindling low despite the sometimes confident outlook i potray. I take the slightest of accomplishments and dwell majestically on it because i can boast of no other. Comes to show it has always been me. I've been stagnant on self-improvement.

I'm tired. Thats what it is. Tired of hoping for a better change. This person i'm talking about is practically an anti-social. I dont talk when i feel that i dont need to.

And i dont want to talk about my education right now.

To the thought of it, I haven't really said much apart from a few postloads of trash recently. Right up till this point is the longest i've written since i dont know.

Firstly, a happy anniversary to me and her.

And secondly, in relation to me and her, there was this shit on a scale so big it got my own family talking about it that i've not said shit yet.

I know its been centuries since but every single comprehensible word on xuerou's one post hasn't really escaped my mind. To be truthful, i still think about it every now and then. I remember myself breaking down, pleading for it to be removed. I'm amazed how much psychological effect such a post can bring, how much of an impression it imprints into you. A year on, and its still like a fresh wound, inflicted by a mere misunderstanding.

To classify it as an all-out personal attack would be harsh, because i'll be fair to say that it was written under the defense of another person which i have already resolved my differences with before it was being written. So this few sentences of me has no swipe or direction to anyone whatsoever, nor am i defending anyone or myself. I'm just coming out with how i still feel even though this has long slipped everyone's minds already.

Its hard. Living out life after someone has casted such an impression on me, her and us. Its not easy going about without knowing whether anyone has read whatever's been said about me, or us. Okay, lets just put this on me okay. Me alone. How i feel.

I'm disturbed. At times i'm paranoid. To the brink of being delirious thinking about why would someone do something like that to me. I pleaded, pleaded with all my heart to no avail. It has brought me the troubles and woes that the particular post was designed to bring. I dont know if anyone would ever feel the sense of achievement by this.

The achievement to maim and injure a person. Let alone a friend.

This one's for you, to make things clear, I'm under no obligation to not help you out when you need me, transport or whatsoever, but thats to the extent that i'll go. I dont mind at all but must you know i'm not someone whom you can count on anymore. And as someone who mattered, let me just say. Please dont do the same thing to the people who you have now, because as much as they take your whinings and demands, they've always cared for you. Nonetheless.

I sincerely hope this doesnt start a blog war under misunderstandings. My intentions are peaceful.

Me, without the fancy deep, confusing shit. Laying it all out on the table between all of us.

Here's to one year boo.

Jinny