My heart's only big enough for two of us

Many times I've always thought of myself to be a rather strong one. Tough cookie with a hollow center. Capable and competent to withstand and contain pressure like a cooker. Able to dust aside the world, the harsh, harsh world. To fall into damnation time and time again and to stand up and to sweep the dirt off my shoulders. Feeble, but otherwise optimistic, charismatic still.

All until i found myself broken down, shut out from any personal consciousness, just lay my head there, on your shoulders, flooding my jumper you were donning, with the tears forced out by overwhelming pressure and emotion. My ego was non-existant, my hands were numb.

"I'm here, baby, it's going to be okay, I promise."

And i found myself sobbing, almost bawling. Eyes swollen from the sudden threshold, nose runny and watering. I was something you'd call a dried prune.

"It's really not that bad."

Which aptly assures me that i will not be disowned soon.

Still, the sub-reasons for breakdown still poses questions in my head. It was more of a thousand different fucked-ups mashed up in a jumble of panties. Leaving me dazed, ostracized intially.

I dont understand why some of us would never be happy for someone else's newfound glory, our own friend's. Its somewhat incomprehensible. And by feeling happy, it does not mean to leave and let be. I've not been connected much with the world that once revolved around me, i admit to that. But i have never felt the same comfort and significance previously as i do now, with my life, to begin with.

Which explains to why i'm slowly disassociating. I'm just another grain of sand to many of you, and you give me ultimate pleasure to clarify that on my own realisation. I dont ultimately believe in the friend crap, i believe in companions. People who are ready(or rather willing) to accept your drastic changes, and still be there to support your ass one way or another.

So i hear bullshit about some not taking any changes positively, or defaming one another just because someone's not subjected anymore to his/her stereotypical self. This sort of behavious is absolute immature and incompetently foolish. Just because you're eternally condemned to being depressed and pissed, and lived out your adolescent days that way does not mean everyone around you(or was around you) is subjected to being in equilibrium to whatever you're feeling. Some people change for the benefit of a healthier lifestyle and much personal satisaction, rather than popping pills and playing the old suicide games anymore. So why cant you be a tad bit more contented for your (supposed) friend? I may be merely just saying my mind without knowing you well at all, but judging from what i see from you, its utter nonsense.

Correct me if i may have just assumed how you are to be.

Many a times now i feel left out, even if dont make the attendance for an event, it never fails to feel heart-warming upon recieving an invitation or to be let in to stuff. But i'm not complaining, i'm just saying. Its a petty price to pay for veering away from the usual group.

So put the blame/scrutiny on me only because i have a someone.

I dont know what inspired me to say what i just did. Must be the frustration.

Its late, go to sleep. Fucksss.

Jinny