Cry on my shoulders

I hate being emotional. Not like is something foreign in my life, but i find myself a little more proned to tears welling up now. You know the sensation everytime you see people say goodbye reluctantly and they cry on tv, and you just feel like you wanna cry also.

Your nose gets this sudden surge of air rushing in and your eyes simutaneously becomes moist. I tell myself i cannot cry. Because i have my ego, because i have an image i have to keep so that i will not break down emotionally when everyone's around, i think i have to be a man and a man doesnt cry, crying is only for girls. But when it comes down to certain situations, we're all only human, and the humane thing to do is to cry.

I remember back in form 2 i was living with a suicidal mind. Everyday i wake, i think about wanting to hurt myself, i write songs about wanting to kill myself, i sing stuff about self suicides, i even carved out "life" on my forearms with a blade. There were so many things running through my mind then, until now, the reason i was that way, i dont even know, no one knows. What was the root to my misery, what was keeping me from leading a wonderful life like everyone else around. I just thought of darkness, death, what if i die now, who would actually take notice. Honestly i wouldn't say it hasn't followed me till this day, i still have those scars of the troubled life. A troubled life you say? At a raw age of just 13? When you think everything turns their backs to you with addition to the bottled up confusion. You literally are a volcanic eruption just waiting to happen.

There was this one day, a usual day, and usual day to me that time was me, just wanting to be alone, not paying attention to the bickering filling the air, just in school, being the usual quiet, conservative me. We had PJK, but at the same time it was raining so everyone had to cluster at one edge of the canteen and copy PJK notes into exercise books. While everyone else were talking about football, girls, sex, all that jazz we guys talk about, i remember a dissappointed me just staring at the text book. Though i cant remember what i was dissappointed about but i do recall me not aknowledging whatever other people said to me, i just stared, my mind racing with thoughts, paranoia and all that. I felt like that was it, the pinnacle of my frustrations and problems, the lava knocking on crater's door. Then my coach, was on his way back to the quartermaster room and passed our class, i looked at him and turned away. Suddenly i felt his hand grasp my shoulders and he said "what's wrong?", then, eruption point, that instant i just couldn't care about anything else anymore, whether my class was witnessing my fall as a man, what they'll say, how shocked they were, i just cried, i cried myself dry that evening in front of every gazing eye.

I've been there, i've been on the brink of suicide, and it isn't pleasant, it isn't a place where you go to in your mind and hope for pity. Because your sanity will kill you. I still talk about death nowadays, but i bear in mind that i also know a little bit more about life day after day ever since. I think of my life being miserable now, then i contemplate my absence in this world, then it kicks in, the reminders of life, i tell myself i cant leave my family behind, i just cant do it, i cant leave my girlfriend behind, i cant leave my friends behind, i cant leave this world and its splendours behind because there are so many new things to experience.

Yes, like any macho-man would tell you, boys dont cry. I admit i feel embarressed to cry, i feel like a pussy, i feel ugly, i get conscious of what others think if they found out that i am in touch with my feminine side of crying, very in touch in fact, but ironically at the same time, i feel good after a round of crying. You know, sometimes we guys would rather bottle up than burst, some of us dont even care about the things that makes us emotional, because sometimes life is a little too easy to be taken for granted. But i think once in awhile, we should all just let our guards down and flood this damn place up. We're only human, and the humane thing to do is to cry.

I admit, sometimes i cry like a little girl. Emelia knows that. :)

Jinny