Too miserable for my own good

In trying times, commit and jump.

Why am I so miserable? Do I not love this life?

I just cant seem to find my footing around these shores. Surely, somewhere, you're undoubtedly watching me falter. There's nothing more heartwrenching-ly amusing than watching someone like me sink far below the surface of normality. Day by day I turn more and more into dust. And you're all here to witness this feat of mine.

There's no feeling like being home. Yes, it feels secure and warmly familiar. The way the bed caves into your weight, the folds on the quilt. But I find myself seemingly afraid to say that this is exactly what I needed. I may have wrongly judged. Maybe?

There is a question which begs an answer. How do I collect myself here for the benefit of returning back to unfamiliarity? Split, swayed by the prospect of a responsibility to fulfill and the idea of loneliness.

I'm sorry, I have not done my part of the bargain. I have not yet come home to clear the air in my head. My mind's clouded, the water's murkier. The departure is inevitable. Part of me yearns for the avoidance to once again dissappoint, whole of me wants clarity.


Why is it hard? This hard for this head of mine to turn this feeling on its rear and send it packing? What have I done wrongly in the process? People have been where I've been, come and go, they've all done exceptionally mediocre, if not well. But still pulled along and emerged unscathed.

Pretty hard for you to read this till this point. Its relatively easier to dissappoint than to please with raw thoughts. Its hard to not get envious of others and pull back and say they're different. No, I'm different. If there's any relevance to it, I should be indifferent to this. But unfortunately I'm not.

I am home. In this comfort. But it feels far from home.

Asking too much?

Jinn

You cant see me

Few months have passed since I embarked on this journey to self-improvement. I may have achieved a considerable amount of it but I'm nowhere near the finished product. Almost synonymous to the force-field analysis in management, my absurd amount of driving forces for change is quite certainly to be met by increasing restraining forces stacked up against me.

My biggest vice is that I discreetly hate to be that particular forlorn figure standing on the sidelines watching everyone else adapt so well. While simultaneously wanting so fervently to be able to take the long hour ride home. But I have come to question myself time and time again, will being home make a change? The prospect of home sounds endlessly appealing.

Undoubtedly I'm going home to figure myself out. Figure this out. This whole rut that I've put myself through. I will need to be refreshed to shake off this envy. The green envy. But what will two weeks improve? Will it serve its course of refreshment or will it bog down my efforts?

I think I'm a dark character. Twisted by sensitivity. Yearning for attention. Which has probably been the contributing force as to why my adolescent years were plagued with depressive spells. Right up to this day, those traits might never have gone too far from me. I'm like a shadow, never stepping out into the light but there's a certainty that I'm there, following behind nonetheless.

I am the king of mediocrity. Achieving at the middle-most degree. Never excelling in anything undertaken. I've always wanted to be the best at some things I do, but I cant even acknowledge something I do good. While other peers have gone on to become someone better, I'm still that someone teetering on the borderline of failure and acceptence. I'm so exceptionally good at nothing that I take winning the sperm race really seriously as an achievement. No, that was stupid.

As a mere reader, albeit all the words, there are so many things that you just cant comprehend about me.

I wish you could. Really really.

Jinn

Outlook update

This is me now.

Passive aggressive

Its safe to assume that my best days are way behind me. And that the best is still yet to come.

Merely done with half a year here and I find myself cultivating some sort of angst, an unconditional despise for the locals. Partly contributed by the fact that there has been too much racism and discrimination bestowed upon the superior race, practiced with the guidance of devilish forms such as binge drinking. Or maybe just routine ignorance to be brought up with. I'm may not be someone to talk however, being just a visitor to this stolen land. Even in my beautiful land of home I'm aptly labelled an "immigrant" for that matter.

Though I'm not here to be an advocate against racism am I? However disgustingly appealing it may seem, its set to stay for a long time more.

Despite having to be wary finding my way around, I've been doing better than the last time I checked in here with something substantial. Been going around alot, getting my calendar filled. The state library remains my favourite haunt. The free internet is besides the point. I'm more than happy to burrow myself in a corner and do my shit. Yes, I'm a corner person. Took awhile to get accustomed to getting around the library as big as a museum. Well, it partly is a museum.

I finally got my first semester of assignments tucked away nicely in the lecturers' dropbox as well. Hoping to prove myself right that I'm more inclined to being hands-on because I never do my best in full-scale exams. In the course of time, management has established itself as my forte, my front-running subject, and as much as my attempts to contribute this to the fact that I have indulged in 8 days, 2 hours, 51 minutes worth of football manager is abit far-fetched. I think this is my stepping stone to becoming a great football manager. A career option I would never dismiss, although not valid in terms of Malaysian football.

So far most of my assignments have fetched better than average. Although to think I'm only treading water in my first year would extinguish some shine into that notion. However may I stress that it is not easy. Its like how SPM was when you were in form 5. And to come out to college and say it was nothing.

On fashion level, I find myself more inclined to dressing up more korean-like. Pardon my stereotyping. My hair certainly plays the part, my body shape has dramatically altered to make a size 32 pair of skinny jeans seem like a size 36. I never leave home without my essentials, like any metrosexual, I have essentials now, that certain items can only be paired with complementary accessories. A scarf, my converses or onitsuka tigers, my d60 (I'm still yet to do justice to its hefty price), ear studs, and a country road bag that slings around your arms like a conventional handbag. There are still some Gucci shades and Ferragamo belts that I've yet to conquer. I'm just kidding. Or am I?

I think the correct term for the look I'm trying to achieve is bohemian.

Prioritising by importance, I'll be returning home on the 7th of July to restock on basic topman tees (the tight bright ones), a leather jacket, new lenses, mock thick-framed glasses, more skinny jeans, a fedora and a beanie (preferably with nice ear-flaps and a little cotton ball hanging from the top). Before family and meeting old acquaintances. And suzy, oh how much I've missed her.

Jinn

Monstrosity

Blog readers, meet Muffin.
Muffin, meet blog readers.

Requiem

Beautiful sunny autumn day in Melbourne city.

Testing

I'm testing out blogging from my iPhone. Seems like it works pretty well.

Honest

I love how millions of people flood their blogs with their genuine, raw thoughts.

I recently slipped into my prior state once again. Apparently it seems I'll be languishing in it for a longer time to come. Why do I end up so miserable here? In addition to my cousin, as a housemate who wouldn't even wash my one dirty plate along with the kitchen crockery that he uses, he just washes his stuff and leaves that one plate alone, just because I used that fucking plate and not him. Since when did things become so segregated? My fucking plate is your fucking plate.

I'm doing beer bottles one after the other, with my head spinning, I thought I was supposed to feel nothing. Even if I do, I wasn't supposed to give a fuck. But why do I still care, if not more than ever why I feel so insignificant?

Why am I subjected to being this way? Dont I deserve to feel like everybody else? Not crawling around this shithole I'm in, waiting for a fucking change that doesn't seem to be coming.

Stop neglecting my existence. I deserve a place in your life as much as everyone else. Unless I'm that one entity that you loathe, then tell me you loathe me and lets be done with it. This goes out to everyone.

Haha, is it me or do I sound pathetic? So uninspired. So low. I'm not here for your sympathy though. So you can keep that. I'm trying to be fucking honest behind that facade.

Oh change, where the fuck are you???

Oh god, I've had one too much to drink.

Jinn

SomebodyNobodyAnybody?

"You may not have won anything, but at least you're a someone from a no one."

That up there, quoted by my former athletics coach, respectfully referred to as sir Zol. Who then, has clearly no idea about the real definition of my being a someone now.

I miss being that someone then. The belonging to a fraternity, a posse in which your significance is undefined. Not precisely limited.

Now, I'm just a somebody, living as a nobody in a land of everybody.

Sitting down here in the glow of my reading lamp, while (almost)the whole Melbourne sleeps. My heightened sensations in brief periods of silence never fails to amaze me. I listen to the whizz of the passing car's tyres as they brush against the foundations of the street below, the subtle clicks of footsteps (the same sound you get when you crush hard candy with your molars) on pavements and the occassional incomprehensible yabber of the beloved street's late-night pedestrians. Possibly drunk. High from crack and cocaine. Little things I love to assume, it intrigues me.

Out of a realisation I suspect, I conjure a flattering idea under my breath.

"What a great time to be alive."

When humanity is at its peak. Where progression is stagnant. The people around us, basking in the glory of modernisation. Is this really where the beginning of the end starts?

And then like the fleeting life of the poor mayfly.

"It is also a great time to cease."

Jinn

Piglet flu

B

Happy 2nd Anniversary B!

Way back when, Ciao at Jalan Tun Razak

Remember when this picture was taken way back. You still had that nose piercing I liked so much.

Here's to more!

I Love You. More than my 'once hard', hairless, lumpy hands can count.

Jinn

I fold

And autumn is in full flight. I've been piling on layers and layers trying to counter the icy gusts. The melbourne weather is as unpredictable as you might already know. The typical day starts off with a beautiful sunny glow and birds chirping. It stays to play for abit before the rain clouds roll in and freezes everything below it. Even though it decides not to pour. Maybe the state of victoria's tagline should mention a hint of the weather just to overshadow the pseudo image of victoria being "the place to be".

The final half of the semester is just about done in 3 weeks and it seems alot to cover in half a year. I'm struggling with assignments for the first time in my life, putting utmost emphasis on refraining to plagiarise and doing my referencing right. I've never heard of referencing prior to this, let alone acknowledging someone else's work. Considering this is the standard of workload in my first year, the next ones aren't going to be too smooth.

As I would love to think things are slowly straightening out right. The nagging uncertainty has never been set to leave just yet. Although, I must say, I've been making progress. I'm going out more, recently spending a bulk of my time at the state library, and not only because the temperature inside is regulated while everything is cold and gloomy outside. I've been finding my way about, being a tad bit happier than I was. Maybe this is as far as it goes.

Finally trying to get out and about.

Something I love doing is browsing through my inbox of my old samsung before I sleep at night. Reading over and over messages from last year and back when it was still a long way to leaving. The 2 months spent living in a foreign yet familiar land. Abu Dhabi was comfortable, more comfortable comparitively to anywhere that I might have ever been. Being with thegirlfriend and her family was an incentive. Spending my days just walking around the malls, Al-Wahda, Marina, Abu Dhabi mall, although I undoubtedly spent a little too much. Trying my hand with a left-hand drive vehicle on rare occasions. Representing the consulate of Singapore in dragon boating along the stretch of clear blue water next to the exhibition centre. Going to Istanbul, my first foray to the european region, although I suffered rather badly with the culture shock.

Abu Dhabi, where the world is flat.

The only possible time I really felt in a team.

Didn't enjoy Istanbul, but thankful for the experience.

Browsing through, I stumbled upon a few of kelvin's messages. Though as simple as "where are you?", it flooded me with thoughts of him, knowing I'll never see him again.

And then there were those messages sent in the process of planning something with the rest. Our late-night outs, beer and drinking sessions, dinners, getaway trips and so forth.

Rockband/poker night. Something to remember.

My mind has never been so congested before I sleep.

Melbourne, a city so overpopulated, so inspired and eccentric, yet so cold and empty.

Jinn

Hurt or heal?

I know I might've been a little too open. Too honest for anyone's liking. Things confined in the very spaces of my mind being thrown about without remorse. I apologize. I never should've thought out loud.

There are those things I potray. And then there are some that others would never comprehend. If I were to lie to you, I'd say I'm more than happy standing here. Filling this cavity of time somewhere along the rolls of my life. Its not easy, but I cant go about assuming I'm the only one man feeling this way.

How many would be delighted to be able to be in my place. Where I'm in now, at this point of time, with that shot of being successful? Thankful for this opportunity. Thankful for being significant one way or another.

But it doesn't tie me down to the fact that I can't feel low because that is somewhat the case.

Just like you and I, I have needs and wants, which not fulfilled, the ever present sense of misery and loneliness is almost certainly here to stay, and it doesn't diminish just because my opportunities are a little more privileged than most.

Albeit the fact, I shouldn't have said what I said. To realise it took more people to be hurt than to understand was discouraging.

Though the seriousness of this should be waning by now.

Jinn

Lets be fucking honest here

I'm on my face's edge with the wall. Things were looking so prospective before I set off from where I grew up. My comfort. My backyard. Let's be darn honest here, mum, dad, time's up, I want to go home.

I fucking want to go home.

Its my silent plea. My quiet protest. A feint sense of regret. I'm really miserable here. Standing on the balcony watching the throngs of people as they walk down the street. Each individual is beckoned by a peer, or many in that matter, another individual with a same purpose, same agenda. And I think to myself, why am I here? Why not down there?

I find myself pathetic. All I gather from others is empathy. Without inspiration, without breakthrough. I'm at a junction where I can't understand this situation and neither can anyone.

I'm lonely. Beyond all things comprehensible. I'm so lonely. Even with the occasional person by my side. Even when I'm surrounded, I'm that one figure in my world. Even with an occasional foray into the public with some people, I strike a lonesome figure. Why? I'm struggling to know why.

I'm alone and I envy. I envy the people here who are making it. Who are always never free, never bored, never lonely. I see their pictures, I watch their days, it makes me feel low. It makes me feel so miserable.

My state of mind has ruled my body. I try, I do. I try to go out and have a great time. Make plans for my own. But most of the time those plans dont come to fruition because I just dont want to step out.

I want to get out, but I'm so confined in my condition, I cant seem to help it. I'm so scared that today is just another mirage of a better day before I slip back into my initial state.

This is harder than I thought it would be. Trying to type these feelings out. Everything is on the surface level. I'm trying to delve deeper but it wouldn't patch up in words.

As much as you'd like to protest, I've got no one here. In the city, the place I thought I'd be most at home, is already so foreign to me. I'm on my own. And everyone has someone or something to look forward to. I'm stagnant.

And when I ventured into a new place last night, Berwick, although surrounded by my compatriots and local peers. Its hard for me to find that welcome because I'm not part of the fraternity or the group. Which was discouraging. Uncomfortable.

Please try to understand mum, dad, you're never going to read this, but I need to go home. I need to be where I'm significant. Where I'm part of someone's life. I'm no-one here, insignificant, alone, miserable, envious, down, pathetic.

I'm sorry it didn't turn out the way you or me wanted it to. Its going to be hard. And I dont know when I'll finally crumble. While I'm almost at the brink now.

You'll read this, but this situation is much bigger and more serious than what words can describe.

Jinn

A new plaything

Still learning the trade.

Jinn

You're an escape

I love it when its a thunderstorm, and you know that gloom to come.

I'm an overnight success story. I'm a size 36 to size 32. Remember how I confessed about wanting skinnies? I bought two pairs and lost more weight since.

I'm a dysfunctional body. Working against the natural process.

I'm on a deserved break, culminating from nights of thinking and working. But yet I'm adamant that my real break lies away from where I sit now. I feel heavy to motion. Hesitant still to make moves.

I'm hoping for rain, so I have a plausible reason to stay in.

I'm disgusted of the jail food I make to stay alive. But I know I'm hungry.

I'm glad to have found people I could share a common interest with at my institution. But doubtful still that anything substantial could me made out from it.

I'm missing home. But silently searching for signs that home misses me.

I'm in a position where cancer sticks are what keeps my blood flowing. But aware enough to know its what buries me.

I'm one to enjoy spontaneity. But when the opportunity becomes scarce, I wish things were planned out beforehand.

I'm enjoying the progression of things. But sceptical about the prospect.

I'm satisfied with wind in my face. But longing for it to blow me away.

I'm assuming its a placebo effect. But its too realistic to dispel that notion.

I love it when its marred by imperfections. But beautiful still.

I'm in a mire. But funny enough, I'm contented in here.

Jinn

Everytime you download music, a kitten dies

Here's a confession, I've always longed for one of those black skinny jeans that hugs you lovingly in the best places. But I cant fit into any. Either that or it bear hugs me.

The Man behind my door.

We're on extreme weather alert now apparently because Victoria Police texted everyone yesterday informing us of another possible bushfire due to escalating temperatures and strong winds today. Well they probably got the strong winds part correct because when I go out, my hair is struggling to hold in one style and I think the boxers I left out to dry last night turned out coated with dust, like a dust cushion somewhere around my scrotal regions now. It rained this morning as well, and the sky does not look like clearing up anytime soon, so chances are you wont be seeing another heartwarming picture of a fireman feeding a scalded koala bear in the papers.

This is the Edward Cullen your mother warned you about.

And with that, I hope this turns out to be the anti-climax to the end of summer.

Melissa Pong in the kitchen, only when the stars are aligned.

In an unrelated but equally interesting note, my university is on strike. Our vice-chancellor came out with a considerate idea to extend facilities by prospectively wanting to construct new campuses. This, in return, has required the university to slash expenses to as much as 30 million dollars. Thus, resulting in the inevitable sacking of 270 staff members and shutting down two other campuses in the outer suburbs. This incredible act of infamy increased student numbers in my campus by about 20 percent, some courses and subjects are in the works of being removed, and we now hold the honorable title of the institution with the 'Worst Teacher-Student Ratio' in Australia. Sigh.

I'm accustomed to sitting alone in uni. Its not easy mingling around.

So to oppose this modern form of hierarchal tyranny, the lecturers and tutors have decided to go on a boycott for about 6 days in 3 weeks. Which undoubtedly means NO NEED TO WAKE UP EARLY NEXT WEEK!

No lah, I'm really serious with my education. I'm dismayed, I really am.

Jinny

Feist-y

I'll Try Anything Once - The Strokes

Hey, if you have an iPhone, get Shazam from the applications store, because if you hear a song somewhere, and it pisses the shit out of you because you dont know what it is or anything, turn Shazam on and record a snippet of it, it will then search its database of 9 million songs (haha!) and provide you with the answers you seek. Its S.H.A.Z.A.M.

Oh wait, its only available in anywhere but Malaysia.

I've shifted in. Yes. I'm finally inhabiting my own space. Space I duly paid for with a hefty price. And because my room is small and claustrophobic, it undoubtedly looks fifty times cosier now that it is clustered. Tomorrow I'm poised to blu-tack my wall with printed pictures so I get to see everyone's pretty faces before I doze off every now and then.

And maybe take a nice little photo for everyone to admire. Heh.

Its quite a feeling finally living alone. Albeit my cousin's soundly asleep in the room beside. The responsiblities of signing contracts and paying bills on my own, retrieving my own mail, having my name printed on official envelopes. No to mention the overwhelming sense of freedom. Its like finally, a new chapter in life, not in a pseudo context anymore, a real new experience. Although I still loathe the idea of housework.

And classes have started. Having successfully scraping through week 1, I have 2 assignments due in week 3 and a huge one about an interview with a real-life manager. I've also added into 'the people I met' tally, three and quarter Australians, one quarter Indian, one quarter German and one Serbian. Going out to play has been rather tough for me but hopefully it works in my favour.

Its the comfort of having people I know that are willing to do shit with me that's waning.

Today I've been shooting a repertoire of rhetorical questions to myself about my apparent weight-loss. 6 of my kilograms have mysteriously vanished. My waist feels bare at the thought of my size 36 pants that no longer hugs it. Even with the diligent help of the belt.

To add salt to injury, my shirts have all shrunk because of some dryer.

I'm torn between shopping for new clothes or extra feeding myself so I can fit into old clothes. Both requiring to stretch my budget a little tighter. I never knew losing weight had such repercussions.

Jinny

On The Other Side Of The World

Integrity is a full basin, shame is the spiral down the sinkhole.

I can't remember the last time I've started an institution without knowing anyone at all. After three days of orientations and 2 days of classes, I've only come to introduce myself to one and a half Malaysian(s), two british lads and five and a half Australian(s).

Victoria University has decided to start a week earlier than every other higher education institution in Australia, which has condemned me to a 6.30am wake up call, and a 45 minute tram-train-tram ride much sooner than anyone else.

But three days of classes, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday and I have the long weekend ahead. Sounds too appealing to make up for it.

I'm very aware of the idealogy of cramming classes into as few days in a week as possible.

Mental block because Gossip Girl is on tv. The bitchful sounds are very very distracting.

Jinny

Lets go see Raoul, lets make a stand

I have finally stumbled upon one greatest flaw of the magnificent iphone. I cant bloody upload the photos I took into my computer. And then another just popped into my head, you cant take videos with it.

Then I found this application that allows you to post pictures onto facebook from the iphone. I just have to go to facebook and save image. So inconvenient.

Anyway, a photo of Seasons, the apartment I'll be shifting into maybe by next week.


This is Pelham Street, where the apartment is. Beautiful evening today.

And I was scrolling through Chi Khan's blog today and I came across this other photo. Sometimes being a boy and being dumb does put smiles on people's faces.

Classic us.

Jinny