Jinn-itis, run

Bee arr. I want a bloody sundae. Its the only possible way to spoil me AT THIS MOMENT.

It COULD be the only way.

NO!

Okay. It could be the only way for your case as well.

NO!

-End of Conversation-

Got the sundae in the end. Will redeem further pampering later on. :)

Jinny

My pie, 10% misc, 90% YOU

I'm stuck.

Between the urge of kicking my studying patterns into rhythm for chemistry test tomorrow or insisting to myself that i'll still eke out a little something from my barren and dry brainchambers.

Quite apparently the latter choice prevailed.

Okay, so the mid-terms are in about 2 weeks from this date. The urgency for an examination of this magnitude is due to a substantial amount of pride involved. And of course, the forecast. Something that isn't really stimulating the bloody endorphins in me just yet. Soon lah, soon.

Sister's got a new flashy car. Which reminds me that i already have a little plot to manipulate her for the car until the new-car smell fades off. Fuck, i know she's reading this.

Oh and Happy Birthday Xue Rou. The horrific wrapping of the lillies were bren's fault. So were the abundance of insignificant other flowers(and leaves). Her choice. But dont hold it against her for she spilled tomyum all over herself at steamboat already. Okay. Shut up me.

Back to chemistry. No i mean, back to contemplating on whether i'll forcefully start to study chemistry.

Bee ar, bee, bee..... nothing.

Jinny

Standing on my crucifix

I'm being charged for I collapsed into my feelings.

I moved and am moving on. Regardless of how insensitive i am and may be. Its my world for the taking.

This is fucking stupid. Why do i even bloody bother?

Jinny

For the habsyixixixixixixixixixillionth time, good night baby

Okay. So roxx is slain and gone. There were a fair share of those megre and mean routes being set up. None failed to impreganate my already pregnant finger even more.

And now that roxx is slain and gone. There's no more better reasons for me to procrastinate on studies. Just almost a fortnight left before i push myself into overdrive with last-minute redemption. Sigh. Fucking mid terms.

Anywayyyyy.

Mid table finish. Hey, its about 2400 points from being in the top 5. Brad was having a day from hell. And i got my ass whooped my a 13 year old girl called kim by a mere 150 points. But i'm least bothered. I was only there to climb and have fun right(referring to a certain previous post)? Ish. Bloody kim.

Despite the effort. I managed home with a new white roxx t-shirt, a powerbar, a car sticker, a fucking red bull tissue box the size of my palm, and wowoweewow, a flashy blingy silver medal.

Then again, everyone has a medal. So yea.

I have a few good shots of myself in action. And i know brad's slightly pissed because marsh didn't snap anything about him. Except for one, which would compensate for all because it looks the best of the bunch.

Brad can take consolation for having the better looking ass.

Number 1 fan. Reminds me to tape up. Helps me tally the number of routes i've done. Drills motivational thoughts in my head but to no avail. Hah. Ahead and in front of the crowd when i'm on the bloody wall. And carries my chalkbag whenever i want it to be carried. Just like a caddy. :) Shit, my loss.

Ah. Nice pictures. Good marsh. :)

So, roxx whatever. I wet myself in college today. What a shame.

And now the face has a name. And a little outstretched hand.

Now i really gotta get some work done.

Jinny

This next plane's going to your heart

You got me. Initially you never did. But now you do.

I see the both of them again. How'd he move on so fast? Where's that mental breakdown i expect he'll be suffering from? Infidel. Garnering feelings when everything was still in the boat. It must be. For he would not have stood up in gallantry so quickly, so shunned and oblivious of the not so distant past of his. Typified excuses just to carry on with his whims and fancies. He's a bastard who's losing touch of the world. The world around him as he's being twirled around the sinkhole of attraction. He's pushing luck, he's pulling out his tricks from his bag again. He tries to make her his, or somewhat so. But the question remains, is she his' now?

Third person views. How i love to interpret those disgusted wondering, rolling eyes.

Basking in my little assumptions.

Jinny

Spilled her coffee, broke a shoelace, smear the lipstick on your face

That dispute. The conflict that's been bearing down on us and so many others is finally done and dusted. Thanks to a certain quick-action plan due to desperation. So many harsh words in so many unforgiving tones. I dont deny what i've been potrayed in that madness. It is only known that the real stuff only seeps out during times of turmoil.

Yes, i've been rough. I've been rude. And i've blatantly swiped at anyone and everyone who has had me ticked off. What patience i have. As much as i've pointed out other's mistakes, i was oblivious to my own. Mum was right at the start, after much tinkering with divine powers, she's been able to warn me about my year that lies ahead. Well 5 months into it now, and so far still so subtle. But i'm keeping myself open for possibilities that i (out of a moment of furious frenzy), could potentially hurt one or many people beyond limits. It is already apparent how sharp and penetrating my words can be.

One thing i've come to hate myself for, is the fact that i'm always allowing myself to remain mediocre. It may be a slice of humble pie too hard to swallow. Me complaining about being insignificant is probably the brainchild of this mediocrity shit. Maybe its my way of life, i sit back and watch others soar. Leaving no room and no chance for myself to excel. I always thought being humble and keeping low would get me something somewhere in the patient future. But truth be told, the humble ones are those who die first.

Well, seems like it though.

Recently, i've found my solace. Somehow, in the pandemonium of things, i found that little solace. After half a year so far of a waning and gone relationship, study worries piling up, friends more prone to hurting and being hurt by friends, its the teenage crisis. I'm still thankful to have found that faraway someone or something or someplace to help me drown it all. And for now, its probably the only thing that i'll wake up in the morning and pray i'll have later in the day. That is, until me and my tendency to fuck things up fucks it up.

And next week sunday, will be roxx. Climbing competition at the Summit. Where apparently the best climbers around play and win cash and prizes. Leaving people like me with battered hope and red faced. But thats just an assumption. I've no intention whatsoever to be closely contending for any glory. My conscience is programmed to something a little more simple, climb and enjoy. When you know you're not that good its all you can think of actually.

So be there if you can! Bouldering competition starts at 1.30. And after it all there'll be a DYNO competition. Oh you'll know when you see. Thats where the fun starts. Haha.

Oh, if you see a black toyota vios with registration number WKD 1616, its Joe Jer. :)

Okay. Enough. Even dumbfucks like me gotta stop writing somewhere.

Jinny

Sobriety on a plate

Firstly, its kinda harsh dont you think? Considering i'm the one who's offering you my services, well as a humble little friend, and you take the liberty to demand on what you want to be done in your favour all the time, i reject, you ask again, i reject even more, well i cant give in all the time as per my own independence and personal choice(but to you it seems as though i've never given in to you). Its okay, most girls have the best reasons in the world to victimise another. You get pissed because i'm denying your wants with wants of my own, and you go on to set me on hellfire with irrelevant comments that i'm always "taking it out on you". My dear, you're being MOTHERFUCKING paranoid like you always are. :)

If you didn't catch my apology in the rift, well i'm reminding you that i (from the bottom of my fuckrotten heart) did apologise for my usage of language. While you were tearing and yelling and hyperventilating while i was well, having chicken.

And then when things couldn't stoop any lower, you go on to say you defended me when fuckholes around me were jutting knives into my sorry ass. You never doubted me. And make it sound like i'm forever indebted to you. Okay maybe i am. But hey, things now maybe rainbows and butterflies for you now, and you think back and ask yourself how many times have i done the same when you're in the shithole with vicious remarks aimed at you?

Heck, i even got stick from my ex-girlfriend because i *apparently* defend you all the time. From whatever remarks that'll stifle your image.

And you have the gusto to tell me "you always take it out on me"?

And yes, i'm an eyesore. Not only in your case. I see those around me, people who'd glare at me from the corners of their eyes, observing and scrutinising every twitch of my muscle. I'm also an eyesore to many. Some, most, beyond my control. I didn't bring myself up to be this way, but if others have a problem with almost whatever the fuck i do, how am i to oblige to their preferences? By quarantine?

See, the thin line seperating us now, is that you're refusing to accept that side of you which all of us(who dares to) can only warn and tell you about. I've never asked for an apology, neither have i asked for anything drastic from you. I just hoped and hope you'd come to terms about your flaws and maybe try to fix that small way of yours. It may reap all the benefits for you initially, but when you keep hounding and hounding on your wants towards others, there is only a certain amount we can take. Or in this case, I can take.

I see you hop in my car, playing pretend like i'm just another employed driver. Drivers where their only motive to you is to drive and shut up. Now dont talk about what you pay me, i'm not sending anyone to and fro for the money. I've never had that bubble of thought ever. You ask me, i'll see my capabilities, and i'll welcome you into my car with open arms. Just dont fucking associate yourself with me merely JUST for transport reasons.

And oh, i apologise again for my language usage. I'm a foulmouth and it isn't something i admire about myself. Besides, i'm pathetic and restless. Even more so.

And my dear friend, i'm not in this for the victory. There isn't a battle to be won just so you know.

And to the other one. To you. The fact that you're being someone who's doing the "dirty job" for others, is not because you dont have a choice, you're unwilling to make another.

I see you have changed around me these days. Like i'm the poison in your soup. You see me and you shun away. It could be because i've changed? Not to your liking, not to everyone's likings? You think i've traded your closeness with another? Well, sorry if i got it wrong, but seems like it.

Well, to clear pictures up, you and her are always there, will always still be there, other people, new people come in and go out of our lives, but who are we to stop one another's likes and dislikes? Someone said she doesnt like new faces incorporated into our group of 3, but really, is it any one of our rights to stamp the notion that we cant have anyone else but 3? What i'm trying to say is that i have my own choices in life, and not all may go yours or my way, but i could AT LEAST make do with a little support in the things i do? And vice versa. From you? And her?

Please?

Sigh.

For some reason, i pissed my maid off today. She came up to me and said i'm more or less an idiot. And stood depressed at the edge of the sink. I stood up, walked over to the cabinet, pulled out a kitchen knife. "Okay. Use this."

Jinny

Hrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........

This is the part where i question why the fuck cant you or any others get off my back.

Let me live my life and do whatever i'm contented of doing. Leave me to my achievements and maybe dont challenge me on that. Go make your own.

Is it compulsory that i get scrutinised for whatever the fuck i do? You think you know me well, but you hardly understand me!

And you, dont fucking think for one moment that everything's okay. When one person says something, you have your basic rights to question, when 2 says the same thing about you, then you're dysfunctional somewhere inside.

Bold statement, but dont you feel that i'm just being nice after that fucking outburst of yours?

Jinny

You dont love me, you love the face.

You take one pinch of fatal attraction. And you get a night to remember.

Okay, maybe i dont know the world about marvel comics and superheroes. But i know this much that i love venom. Crimson black, with that superwide razor grin. No tongue action in the movie though. Sigh.

Yay, the weekend's (almost) here.

And maybe, just maybe i'll get my yoga mat out, shrinkwrap any bare skin, get a hoodie on and lie on the grass again. Pinch the blimey moon with my stubby fingers, hear the occasional rumblings of a mixture of planes and thunder, with streetlamps as the only light source. I doubt there'll be moonrings this time around. Fuck it. :)

And maybe, just maybe, let the breeze blow us off again.

Jinny

My room smells like nasi lemak?

It is i, i'm here nor there.

Busted my ass on mathematics throughout the weeks on math probation because i didnt score above a certain bloody grade. I've been tossing and turning over a new leaf ever since, and it still isn't kicking into my system much. The urgency. Maybe i lack motivation, maybe i lack the certain amount of love and compassion, well maybe. But one thing's for sure, i'm fucking deprived of discipline and internal support.

Okay, college is a drag. What a drag it is, this state i'm in. So days without having to attend lectures in sub-zero conditions, is doing the world to me. These days when i can take my creaky grey lotus for a spin, bring it to camp 5, bring it to shah alam for bouldering. Bring it to places where (literally) the sun dont shine. I need it, this freedom, this leash-less life. Do whatever the fuck i want whenever the fuck i want. Although i'm still subjected to some domestic violence back home if i happen to cross any unspoken rules.

Well this is what i need. I've gotten it, but i need it even more now. I need to be in that open field by the lake. I need to lie next to someone, and i need to pinch the moon with my stubby fingers again. Let the breeze play my hair around. Present the bloody mosquitoes to a feast before dining in hell. Have grass particles brush all over my bare skin and aggrevate another bout of senseless scratching. And the stars, oh the stars. The stars and alleged satellites, occasional rumbling of planes up in the sky. Flashes of lightning in the horizon. And moonrings. As i laid, feeling the heat of another someone, it was euphoria. I repeat, it was euphoria. Feels so bloody good.

I got back quite late/early last night. And now i'll probably have to write out a report of places i have been and people i was with to dad.

Yehaa, on a brighter, more painful note. Shah alam bouldering. Following that green hippy van of noel, the bangvan(as referred to by chi khan), travelled along the highways in search of climbing paradise. It wasn't really searching, we had in mind where we were to go, at least noel did. And then we ended up next to the football stadium, much to our amazement, we found paradise. Well until i tried topping over the bloody boulder, lost my balance and fell. Stupid boulder had to rake off bits and pieces of my shin. After that it was more of climbing then wiping blood off then climb again then wipe then fall again and again. The stupid handholds on the climbing walls were so loose they were spinning, so fell there again.

But i'll go back there someday. And probably when i go back, i'll find every excuse to climb topless because its cool. :)

Or at least paul thinks so. How cute.

Jinny